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I never imagined I would find myself here—mourning the living. Estrangement is a grief unlike any other, a silent ache that the world often refuses to acknowledge. There are no sympathy cards for this kind of loss, no well-meaning casseroles dropped at your doorstep, no collective moments of mourning. Instead, there is a quiet, gnawing pain that seeps into the spaces where love and connection once thrived. For those of us who have experienced estrangement—whether from a parent, a child, a sibling, or a dear friend—the grief is complicated. It is the grief of birthdays uncelebrated, phone calls unreturned, and memories that feel like they belong to someone else. It is the grief of walking through life knowing that someone who once held a vital place in your heart is out there, but unreachable. Unrecognized Grief: Also Disenfranchised Grief Unrecognized Grief, offically known as Disenfranchised grief, the kind of sorrow that isn’t widely recognized or validated by society, is particularly brutal. People don’t always understand it. They ask, “Can’t you just fix things?” or “Why don’t you just reach out?” as if the fracture is a simple misunderstanding, easily remedied with a heartfelt conversation. But estrangement is rarely that simple. It is often the result of deep wounds, betrayal, unresolved trauma, or differences so vast that they cannot be bridged without significant change from both parties. What makes this grief even harder is the isolation that comes with it. Without societal recognition, we are left to navigate our emotions alone. We second-guess ourselves. We wonder if we are overreacting. We replay conversations, searching for moments where things could have been different. And sometimes, we hold onto hope that things will change, only to be met with silence. So how do we cope? How do we move forward when our hearts feel so tethered to someone who is absent? For me, it has been a journey of learning to validate my own pain. I have had to remind myself that my grief is real, that my feelings are valid, even if they don’t fit into the traditional mold of loss. I have also found solace in community—connecting with others who understand this kind of heartache. There is healing in shared experiences, in knowing that I am not alone in this. And while the pain doesn’t disappear, it becomes more manageable when I allow myself to grieve, rather than suppress it. Healing from estrangement doesn’t mean giving up hope. It means finding a way to live fully even with the absence. It means allowing ourselves the grace to move forward without guilt. It means creating space for joy, for love, for new connections that remind us we are still worthy of deep and meaningful relationships. Steps to Help with Disenfranchised Grief and Healing Acknowledge Your Pain  – I remind myself daily that my grief is real and valid. I don’t need external validation to know that what I feel is significant. Allow Yourself to Grieve  – I give myself permission to mourn the loss, just as I would with any other significant loss. Suppressing it only prolongs the pain. Set Boundaries  – If reconciliation is not an option or is unhealthy, I set firm boundaries to protect my well-being. I remind myself that it’s okay to prioritize my mental and emotional health. Seek Support  – I find comfort in sharing my experiences with others who understand. Support groups, therapy, and trusted friends help me process my emotions. Create New Rituals  – Instead of focusing on the absence, I cultivate new traditions that bring me joy and meaning, whether that’s spending holidays differently or celebrating milestones in new ways. Practice Self-Compassion  – I try to be gentle with myself, knowing that healing is not linear. There will be good days and hard days, and that’s okay. Focus on the Present  – I work to shift my focus from what I’ve lost to what I still have. Gratitude for the relationships and experiences in my life helps me find peace. Be Open to Healing  – While I don’t force reconciliation, I stay open to the possibility of healing—whether that’s within myself or in my relationships over time. If you are navigating the unspoken heartache of estrangement, know that I see you. I honor your grief. And most importantly, I believe in your ability to heal, even in the midst of the loss. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let Nelson and I hear from you. We want to hear your story. #Estrangement #FamilyEstrangement #HealingFromEstrangement #DisenfranchisedGrief #GrievingTheLiving #EmotionalHealing #SelfCompassion #YouAreNotAlone #HealingJourney #MovingForward #SettingBoundaries #MentalHealthAwareness #CopingWithGrief #UnspokenGrief #HealingAfterLoss #TraumaRecovery #BreakingTheCycle #LettingGo #GriefSupport #HopeAndHealing

Experiencing estrangement from my adult child has been one of the most painful and confusing journeys of my life. I’ve often found myself wondering, Why did this happen?  and What did I do wrong?  Through research and self-reflection, I’ve come to realize that my child’s perspective holds valuable insight into our estrangement. By stepping into their shoes, I’ve begun to understand their reasons and how I can navigate this situation with empathy and hope. I’ve learned that estrangement isn’t usually caused by a single event but rather a buildup of unresolved issues. Some common reasons that adult children cite for distancing themselves include: Unresolved Childhood Trauma  – My child may have experienced emotional pain or neglect that I wasn’t fully aware of at the time. Even if I didn’t mean to cause harm, their perspective matters. Differing Values and Beliefs  – As they’ve grown into adulthood, our views on politics, religion, parenting, or lifestyle choices may have created tension. Toxic or Dysfunctional Patterns  – They may feel that our relationship involves unhealthy dynamics, such as a lack of respect for boundaries, criticism, or favoritism. Influence of a Spouse or Partner  – Sometimes, a child’s partner can impact their relationship with their parents, especially if conflicts have arisen between us. Mental Health and Personal Growth  – My child may need space to heal, prioritize their well-being, or establish independence from family dynamics they perceive as harmful. It’s incredibly difficult to accept my child’s perspective when it feels so different from my own. But research has shown me that adult children who choose estrangement often do so for emotional safety, not to punish their parents. They may fear confrontation, feel unheard, or believe reconciliation is impossible without change.  As I process this situation, I’m striving to approach it with understanding and self-reflection. Here are some steps I’m taking: Listening Without Defensiveness  – When my child is willing to talk, I will make an effort to listen rather than defend myself. Their feelings are valid, even if I don’t fully agree. Respecting Boundaries  – If they need space, I honor that instead of pushing for contact. Forcing the issue may make things worse. Engaging in Self-Reflection  – I’ve started seeking therapy and reading about parent-child estrangement to better understand my role in our relationship. Apologizing and Validating  – If I’ve hurt my child in ways I didn’t recognize before, I’m working on offering sincere apologies without justification. Being Patient and Hopeful  – Healing takes time. Even if reconciliation never happens, I want to grow as a person and find peace within myself. Estrangement is complex and deeply painful, but understanding my child’s perspective has given me a new outlook. By approaching this with empathy, growth, and patience, I hope to either rebuild our relationship or, at the very least, find peace in my own journey. No matter the outcome, my goal is to continue learning, healing, and showing love in whatever way I can. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Make sure to comment below. Nelson and I want to hear from you. #Estrangement #AdultChildEstrangement #ParentalEstrangement #AdultEstrangement #ParentChildRelationships #FamilyHealing #UnderstandingEstrangement #HealingThroughEmpathy #ParentingChallenges #EmotionalBoundaries #ReconciliationJourney #SelfReflection #FamilyDynamics #MentalHealthAwareness #ForgivenessAndHealing #PersonalGrowth #EstrangedButHopeful #NavigatingEstrangement #EstrangementRecovery #HealingFromEstrangement

Over the weekend, I received some good news from a very close friend. He and his wife were also going through an estrangement with their college age daughter. He was in a text exchange with his daughter, and she asked if she could come by and visit with their cat, Luna, and see them while she was there. They promptly replied with a resounding, "YES!" They are now traveling tomorrow to go see her, and take her to lunch. What wonderful news for them. I was so happy! It gave me a bit of hope. He was concerned about telling me, because of the estrangement with our adult daughter. He thought it might upset me. It didn't at all. I love them very much, and want to see them reconciled to each other. It is so good to know that one of us is getting things resolved. I pray God blesses their visit tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about it. This is wonderful news to get, while we are still waiting. Good news is always in front of us, when we take the time to look for it. I am guilty of not taking the time I need to look around and find all the good that are in my life. I have three friends that are family to me. I am so very grateful. I have a son and a daughter who are very loving and kind. I have a husband who loves me. I have great students. I am almost ready for the Mrs. Tennessee America Pageant. I am thankful for all the support I have been getting. I have my dogs, and they are such a joy in my life. They make Nelson and I smile and laugh daily. Yes, there is good everywhere. I am choosing daily to find something to say, "Thank you, Lord!" Keeping my mind occupied with taking care of myself, and focus on what I need to accomplish for the upcoming Mrs. Tennessee America Pageant, is what I need to be doing. It is a good distraction from all the junk that has gone on for so long. My studio, my students, practicing my music, working with my new Service Dog, filming more episodes of, "My Chattanooga," has to take the front seat. Highlighting Mental and Emotional Health is very important. It doesn't just affect me, it has an affect on every person on the planet. "My Chattanooga," speaks to this issue, and centers around the wonderful work that people in Chattanooga do to aid and lift up others to help with the Mental Health of this community. Mental and Emotional health has affected me from the moment I was born. We all are flawed humans. It is time for all of us to take a deep look within ourselves, and stop the generational, habitual actions that influence us, our children, and then our grandchildren. It is my opinion, after much prayer and reflection, that this is one of the reasons that Nelson and I are estranged from our adult daughter. Complex PTSD is very difficult to navigate. Especially when you are trained, brainwashed, and gaslighted during your early years. All households have something. All households are dysfunctional in some way. I grew up with a daddy that did not realize his own mental and emotional damage, and the havoc he was wreaking on the rest of us. I had a wonderful daddy on one hand, very heroic and amazing. Then there was the dark side of him. The one that would yell and scream, call my mother names, and beat my brother and me. He taught us to be afraid. There are many households like mine. Parents that pass on the negative things that they were taught. I would like to see a world that begins to change this narrative. The fear and anger that goes on around us comes from some of these issues. I know that these choices can be made. It takes a lot of work. I had to be willing to look inside of myself. I had to be, and continue to be willing to listen to my husband, my son, and my daughter when they need to share their pain, or their hurt with something I have done. I have cried an ocean of tears to make the change. Realizing that my own faults and failings have hurt my family, is devastating at times. It is necessary to be open to hearing hard things from others in order to change. This is probably the only path that Nelson and I have to walk, if we ever hope to have reconciliation with our estranged daughter. It doesn't mean we were terrible parents, or that we are terrible people. It just means that we are human, and carry with us things from our childhoods, and from our past, that have become a hindrance to our mental and emotional health. These things need to be recognized, and healed. Healing takes time. It takes more time than any of us would like. We are not patient people, are we? I don't like to wait, I want it all resolved now. Don't you? Unfortunately, that is not going to occur. Nelson and I have to wait. Until the time comes, we will be happy for our friends. We are happy that their reconciliation has started. That is very good news. Please remember you are loved and enough. Please comment below. Nelson and I would like to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #parentalestrangement #adultestrangement #reconciliation #goodnews #goodfriends #mentalandemotionalhealth #mrschattanoogaamerica #mychattanooga #mrstennesseeamerica

30 years ago, today, I gave birth to my twin daughters. All of my pregnancies were very difficult. My first child, my son, died. He was stillborn. It was horrific. I watched his last heartbeat on sonogram. My oldest son, after 2 months of going in and out of ICU, and 7 different medications, was born prematurely. He is now 31 years old, happily married, and doing well. My twin girls, after 3 months of going in and out of ICU and 13 different medications, were born prematurely, and as of today, are celebrating year 30. It was a long, difficult road to get my children here alive. I am grateful and blessed every single day. Today is a very special day for me, as I know it is for my daughters. 31 years, I have been a mother. You would think I would know more than I do. My adult children have been learning and growing as human beings during that time as well. I have only been a mother, as long as they have been alive. When I think about it that way, the experience they have had living, is the same learning time period as I have had being a mother. We have been learning and growing together. Yet, it feels as though I am expected to know more, and have more ability to understand everyone's needs. As long as they were babies, is as long as I was a mother too with babies, then toddlers, then preschoolers, then elementary schoolers, then middle schoolers, then high schoolers, then college kids, and now adults. Every stage in their lives, was a stage for me as well. I was learning to be a mother during that time period, under those particular circumstances, and so was my husband. No one can really teach you those skills, you have to do your research, know your children, and do your very best to guide them, and be their for them, and learn from your mistakes. When my children were born, everything I thought I had worked out in theory, I had to test in real life. Some of my theories worked out, some did not. No child is born into a household with parents who already have all the wisdom and knowledge they need to be a parent. We grow as they grow. Today, as I ponder all of these things, I think about this particular birthday for my twin adult daughters. Life has changed so much since this estrangement began. I used to get a cake, and we would call both of the girls, and sing, "Happy Birthday," one at a time. We would light two different sets of candles, so they could both have their own candles, and their own song. Now, I do it only for one of them. I only purchase one gift, and I sing, "Happy Birthday," one time. What would have been a bigger birthday celebration, is not. Year 30 is a big birthday year. It is coming a going, fairly quietly. I am simply spending some time, reminiscing. I know I will never get this time back. I will never get back the ability to celebrate the 30th birthday of my estranged adult daughter. Just like leaves on water, I am watching it flow right on by me. I have to radically accept that fact. I pray that she is happy and good with it as well. Special days, for me, have been demoted to just another, common day. The sun is out, the sky is blue, it is a beautiful day. I pray she is blessed with the same weather. I pray she celebrates in a way that makes her feel special and happy. I pray that she is doing well. I pray for her to prosper. I am her mother. I only want the best that life can offer her, even though, I feel as though I am not part of being one of the best things in life for her. Accepting that part is hard, and painful. So...Happy Birthday my beautiful, estranged daughter. I am holding back tears, from the pain of wanting to be able to say that to you over the phone, via text, email, FaceTime, whatever mode of communication you would choose. I am hurting because I cannot. No matter what, I am still happy you are my daughter, the pain I feel let's me know I still love you, no matter what the situation. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to know your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #birthdayswithanestangedchild #thespecialnotsospecialday #mrschattanoogaamerica #mrstennesseeamerica #godisgood #growingpains

For so long, Nelson and I lived in survival mode. We did not nurture ourselves at all. We were just trying to keep our heads above water. We have survived many things. Do not misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with being a survivor. I am a survivor of childhood abuse, molestation, adulthood abuse, the death of a child, the estrangement of an adult child, severe financial hardships, and the list goes on. I am very proud of myself for being a survivor. Being a survivor, comes with a large cost on my mental and emotional wellbeing. That is why I am realizing that nurturing myself is not only healing, it is necessary. Nelson and I do not just want to survive. We want to thrive!!!!!! Last week, was NOT fun at all! Cutting off someone I dearly love is very difficult. She has her boundary that she did not cross. I have mine. Unfortunately, our boundaries clashed. Sometimes that happens. It is hard when it does. Very hard. I pray that God helps me get better at drawing that line for myself. I pray that Nelson gets better at drawing that line for himself. It is imperative for our relationship and our individual health that we become people who will guard our hearts, as it says in the scripture. People are flawed. I am coming to see that more and more as I get older. In fact, as I write this, I can hear the Holy Spirit teaching me lessons in the words that I am writing. I do not think any of this is actually coming from me at all. I am learning, as I write this, that my personal boundaries do not just extend to what I will and will not tolerate with others. It is also covering what I will and will not tolerate from myself. Behaviors that I will not tolerate. Decisions that I will not tolerate. Desires that I will not tolerate. All of these things are very personal. Wow! Just Wow! Drawing a line with myself is necessary! Honestly, I have never thought about it in that manner. I am sure some of you, that are reading this, have thought about it. I am sure that you are surprised that I have not! That is what happens with people that have had a lifetime of abuse. We are conditioned to think in a very different way. Growing up, I was taught that I must take care of everyone around me. I must always show up when they call. Living with crisis was normal. There was always a crisis. There was always a fire that needed to be put out. I had to show up and deal with it. If not, I was on the receiving end of a lot of backlash. If I said anything, I was told that I was in the wrong, don't share my thoughts, my thoughts are stupid, and unwanted. I was never allowed to share my emotions. Especially hurt and anger. I could be angry, I just couldn't let anyone know. That is what I was told. I was conditioned and ultimately brainwashed. It has taken me a long time to figure out who I am, and what I want, and who I want to become in this world. I still struggle with that part. That is why, not realizing that I need boundaries for myself, as well as, boundaries I will not cross for others. Now that I am thinking more about it, boundaries for myself comes in the form of self-control and discipline. Hmmmm. There is a thought on which I need to meditate. Again, I am sure that you, the reader, think, "Crystal, aren't all these things obvious?" NOPE! Not for someone with Complex PTSD, and a lifetime abuse survivor. Once I was 18, and off to college, I was basically on my own to figure life out. My parents would not really advise me on anything. Eighteen is awfully young to be on your own to figure it out. I put myself through college. I worked full time and went to school full time. I paid for everything. Having good, healthy relationships was foreign to me. It never crossed my mind. My parents were married very young. My brother was married very young. I was criticized because I had dated a lot of different guys. It was considered poor behavior. I had been expected to meet my spouse in High School, the way my family had done, and get married. That was not my path. I felt mixed up and lost. I felt lonely. I kept looking for someone to guide and help me. I did not have a life mentor. I needed a strong, christian woman in my life to advise and help me. I just floundered. I tried to keep up a good facade. I don't think it worked. I am sure that some of this junk contributed to our estrangement with our adult daughter. If I am hard on myself, I probably would have wanted to get away from me too. I am very blessed that Nelson has faithfully stuck by my side for almost 25 years of marriage. I am learning to stop being hard on myself. I am learning to be good and kind to me. I am learning to be forgiving to me. I like me. I am a kind, talented, intelligent person. I am giving myself permission to be flawed and love myself. While I would love for this estrangement to have never happened, it did. I am getting past the pain of it, and facing the flaws in myself, and learning to not just survive it. I am gaining ground, an inch at a time, and beginning to thrive. Nelson is growing in that direction too. I can see him growing as a person, and not keeping stuck on the Merry-Go-Round of doing things the same 'ol way. He is growing his own health insurance business, and even though it is taking time, each week it is growing. He is committed to its growth and success. If our estranged adult daughter ever decides to return, I believe she is going to find very different parents than she had when she left. That is probably going to be awkward for her, to find that we are miles away from when she decided to cut us off. That will be interesting, if it ever happens. Well, this is a very deep start for the week. Who knew? God did! God is always working for our good. Growth is always painful, thus the name, "growing pains." I am going to make sure that this week, I more than survive! Remind yourself that you are loved and enough. Comment below, we want to hear your story! #morethansurvive #thrive #surthrival #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #godisgood #mentalhealth #mrschattanoogaamerica #mrstennesseeamerica #thankfulformyhusband #keepgrowing

This week Is rough. There were several things that have happened that were overwhelming. I have several panic attacks, and a seizure. That happens when I have panic attacks. It hasn't been fun AT ALL. I finally had to draw a line. Healthy boundaries are necessary. I decided there was a line that I was not going to cross. In the past, I have done everything I can to keep the peace and make others comfortable. As a result, I have been stepped on and stepped on. I finally decided enough is enough. Nelson and I have an adult daughter who is estranged from us, which is emotionally draining in and of itself. Nelson is also building a new Health Insurance business. Anyone who has ever built a business knows that the first few years make finances very tight, because you have to invest in your own business over and over. I am also working on competing for Mrs. Tennessee America, and I run my own business. It is a lot to juggle. Someone calling and dumping their issues in my direction was a step too far. I hung up the phone and walked away. I still am reeling from the week. I will be doing a lot of DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), over the next few days. It is hard to get your mind changed, so that your body can stop reacting. I have been programmed to be concerned about others, and to throw away anything I feel or think. I grew up in a household where I was enforced over and over, that my opinion and thoughts were not valid. I was told I was too emotional, and to not let anyone, most especially my daddy, how I feel about anything. I just need to keep it to myself, and make sure that I did everything that was ever asked of me with no question. Standing up for myself has not really been an option. I have had enough of being blamed for the thoughts and feelings of others. This includes my estranged adult daughter. I honestly feel like I have been blamed, belittled, misunderstood, put down, unimportant, degraded, abandoned and betrayed. Everytime situations like these occur, it takes a toll on my mentally, emotionally and physically. The seizures that I have are called, "Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures." They are terrible. I start shaking, and it becomes larger and larger, until my whole body is convulsing and I cannot control it. It can take a while to stop. Panic and Anxiety causes me to have balance issues, it killed my left inner ear. I have trouble just walking through a grocery store/Walmart/Target. I get dizzy and nauseated while walking down the aisle. I get overstimulated, and all the light and reflection from the floor triggers the dizziness. Rainy days trigger the dizzy and nausea. Anxiety is destructive. I am doing all that I can to prevent it. That is the reason I have had to draw a line, and say, "I will walk off from situations and people who cause me to feel high anxiety and panic, and trigger seizures. It is these situations that have contributed to my need for a service dog. I fall frequently, due to this condition. I have broken my leg falling, due to this condition. A person triggering that type of reaction is not worth my mental, emotional, and physical health. Just writing about this is bringing up anxiety. Although, it is cathartic. I am writing it out...I am saying it out loud. At this point in my life, I do not have room for people who want to place their rules, regulations, and discriminatory behavior in my direction. Live that out on your side of the line. If you have a problem with me, or something I have done, be kind, and approach the subject desiring to have a two way, adult conversation, and be willing to come to an agreement that works for both parties. Do not talk to me as though I am a child. When our adult daughter decided to choose estrangement, it was heartbreaking. I have said that before. I cannot emphasize it enough. Heartbreak can kill a person. It is true, you can actually die from heartbreak. I am still heartbroken. Nelson is heartbroken. Our life has changed forever, and we know it will never change back. At this point, it has broken our family. What was five, is now four. There is a hole. I cannot allow anyone else to push me into another hole. I chose myself for once. I am good with that choice, and I am proud of myself for standing up for my own beliefs, rather than being pushed to compromising for the comfort of someone else. It has been a hard week. I have made hard choices. I still feel tons of anxiety. I am working on that part daily. I know I will be ok. I look forward to the days ahead, because I know I will become stronger as a result. Please remember you are love and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #standupforyourself #healthyboundaries #mentalhealth #servicedog #stopdiscrimination #complexptsd #panic/anxietydisorder

This past weekend, I took students to the NATS Mid-Atlantic Region Student Auditions. It was a great event. I had one student to win both of her categories, and she qualified for the National Student Auditions. I am so proud of my students. I cannot tell you how much it helps me mentally and emotionally to work with them, and to have them in my life. Since this estrangement with our adult daughter started, having my students to work with has been a constant sustaining force in my life. They have been a source of joy, and have help to sustain me during one of the worst situations of my life. I am so proud of all of my students. I am also grateful for the friendships that I have gained through being a member of the NATS organization. Going there, and being around my students and the other members, has lifted me up, and made me feel accepted, no matter what has happened. Watching and listening to my students this past weekend was thrilling. Their success is my success. I love seeing them soar. It reminds me that something wonderful can happen in the midst of hardship. I can still be successful, regardless of the circumstances. For a while, I felt as though I was a failure at everything. This past weekend, I realized that is not true. I am loved by my students, and I am loved by my friends. I have great success at what I do, and how I sing and teach. I can hear and see that in the voices of my students, and in the comments they receive from the judges. I know that no matter what occurs, I can keep going, and still make a difference to others, regardless of whether my estranged adult daughter speaks to me or not. Wonderful things can still happen, in the middle of great grief, sorrow, and loss. That realization is such a blessing from God. Plus, I still have one more student yet to compete. We make her audition video at the end of this week, and then submit it for judging. She could move forward to the national level as well, we will see. Wouldn't that be great! I could use more good news!! I am gaining more and more confidence everyday. Inch by inch, I am gaining ground, and so does Nelson. I am working hard getting ready for the Mrs. Tennessee America Pageant. My gown will be ready soon, I am waiting to find out if one of my outfits is going to make it in time. It was supposed to be delivered today. I got a message saying that they couldn't find my address. Ugh!! I had to contact the people I purchased it from. They supposedly are looking into it. I really hope they are going to get down to the bottom of it. I NEED THAT OUTFIT! Lol! My swimsuit is on its way. I have a few more things that need to get paid for the event. I am getting close to being finished. I have been working with a pageant coach on my interview. I am working on my walk. I am going to be doing an interview about having a service dog. I have my interview outfit. I just about have everything finished. It is about to get exciting! I have lost the weight I needed to lose, and now I wear a size 0!! That is just crazy! I am keeping my eyes on what is important at the moment. I think that is good for me to do right now. Especially under the circumstances. The past year and a half has been extremely hard. I have wavered up and down emotionally and mentally. I have been in pain. However, over the past few days, I have seen sunshine. I am very grateful. In the last communication we had from our estranged adult daughter, she said that her, "Space," from us may take months or even years. She said that she didn't know, because it would take however it long it takes for her to heal. We are now into the, "Years," part of the estrangement. What does that mean for me? I can survive, and begin to thrive. I love my daughters, and my son. They have to do their own thing, just like I have to do mine. I am getting better. I am beginning to have hope for my own life. This is a VERY good thing! Please know you are loved and enough. Comment on this blog, and let us hear from you! We would love to know your story! #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #goodthingscanhappen #voiceteacher #greatstudents #mcdanielmusicstudios #mentalhealth #moveforward #mrschattanoogaamerica #mrstennesseeamerica

Nelson and I have healed a lot since this whole estrangement began with our adult daughter. We have begun to laugh again, and have normal conversations that don't have anything to do with her. Nelson encourages me in my journey towards becoming Mrs. Tennessee America, and I encourage him in his work at his Health Insurance Office. We are working on ourselves and our relationship. No matter what, there is always a point every single day, when she enters my mind. She is always there, even if she isn't in the front of my thoughts at the time. She is my daughter, and I love her. I do not like what she is doing right now, however, it does not stop me from loving her. The memories are the hardest. She was the daughter that always wanted to sit with me. She traveled with me, she loved my purse. She told me that Mommy's purses are magical. She said that mommy purses always had everything you ever need in them. She said that she knew that I would always fight for her and come for her. When she cut us off, and asked that we don't communicate with her in any way, it made everything feel false. Did she ever mean anything she said? I heard today, on a podcast, that we can have two different emotions at the same time. I know that is true. The podcaster said that sometimes, your child feels all the love for you, however, there is a part of them that is not expressing the other emotion that they also have going on underneath. It causes me pain to know that she is holding on to something that is bothering her, and that she will not express it, and let us know. Did she feel that we were too immeshed? Maybe so. Did she feel she couldn't be herself? That is probably part of it too. I do not know. I only know that I have these memories of a family, that I no longer have. Her decision has changed our family. I know that God will work this out for our good. I can tell that is what He is doing. It doesn't stop it from being overwhelmingly painful, and traumatizing. The doubt that this estrangement has brought into my life is almost tangible. I doubt every memory that I have in my mind. At times, I don't believe any of it was real. I know what we did, and what we said. I can still hear her saying, "I love you." I just doubt that she is telling the truth. I heard on the podcast that an estranged child can love their parents, but just need time on their own to grow and learn, without feeling obligated to speak, or be involved, or be around their parents at all. I know that I will never be able to understand her choosing this path. I have to continue to tell myself that it is ok that I never understand. I don't have to understand, I just need to love her. I admit, after being hurt so much by her, I doubt myself on that level as well. This estrangement has scrambled my brain and my heart. Even though I am doing better, it is not easy to get better. The hardest part of it all? I cannot fight for her. I have learned, "Be Still and Know that I am God." I know God will fight for me. I absolutely am powerless. I pray, because prayer has power. I don't. I have faith in God. Even harder, is knowing that it is all in God's timing and God's plan. His ways are better and higher than mine. As much as I want this estrangement to end in my lifetime, I don't know that it will. There is no assurance. Left with nothing more I can do, I leave it to God. I have to leave my heart to God. I place my life in His hands, and I give my estranged adult daughter over to Him as well. If feel the tears well up in my eyes right now, knowing that I may never hear her voice, or see her again, and that has to be ok, because I trust God. Do I doubt God in this situation? Yes! I am human, and I want it my way. i have completely learned that there is no, "my way," in an estrangement. I only have one choice, and that it to place all of my trust in God, no matter what. It is extremely painful. I am changed, Nelson is changed, our other two adult children are changed, our family is changed. In a blink of any eye. Nelson and I are finding our footing. It is difficult. We are doing better, as I said earlier. We are not on solid ground yet. We will be, one day. I just pray that, "one day," is going to come sooner than later. I am working on not looking back at the memories. What was is no more. Nelson and I are working on making new ones. I pray God's blessing on us, so that the new memories are trustworthy, and do not leave me in doubt. That is my prayer. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #memoriescanbepainful #helpmeovercomemydoubt #godisgood #mentalhealth

I am glad that everything we go through in life is temporal. Nothing lasts, except for our faith in God and His word. No matter what I am going through, it isn't going to last. Even when I don't know how long situations will go on, I know that they will not last. The past two weeks have been weird. I found 3 lumps in the left side of my chest...I went to the doctor. The doctor sent me for a Mammogram and an Ultrasound. It was normal. That is very good news. The lumps in the left side of my chest are still there, and there is some swelling with it. Today, I go to the rheumatologist. I am praying he will have some answers. While we are in this world, isn't there always something that goes on at the most unexpected moments? I think so!! Nelson and I continue to move forward. The estrangement with our adult daughter has taught us to live our lives, despite the grief and pain. I admit, it has taken me longer to do so, than Nelson. Nelson is so great at compartmentalizing. I am not. I tend to rinse and repeat the pain that I feel. I am attempting to change the circumstance. That is a part of grief. Bargaining. It takes me a while to settle with the fact that what happens has happened and I have no power to change the outcome. Our estranged daughter is still estranged. I continue to pray, and take solace in the fact that this will pass, eventually. What tends to dissatisfy me, is when other friends and family members show no compassion, and make statements that are disconnected. It is annoying. They are uncomfortable with the situation, so, they just sweep it under-the-rug, and want me to do the same in that moment. I truly believe they think they are being helpful. They are not. It is the exact opposite. They are leaving me lonely, rejected, and feeling abandoned. It also lets me know that they are not capable of dealing with the pain of another. I don't believe these people are even able to deal with their own pain. That is living in denial. I have given up talking with them about it. It isn't worth the disappointment in them that I ending up feeling. I have decided to not mention the estrangement to these people. I am grateful, for my closest friends. They are always there to listen and care. It is good to surround yourself with your closest friends, those that do not judge, and want to walk beside you, through the good and bad. So...we continue forward. I am full blast into the preparation for the Mrs. Tennessee America. I have lost all the weight I need to lose. I am now just maintaining. I am down to a size 2-4. I have ordered my opening number clothes, or at least the top. I still need to get the pants. I have to order another pair of shoes. I have my interview outfit, and my evening gown is in its last phase of alterations. I had another fitting earlier this week, and she is taking the dress in a little more, and the hem up slightly. It is a beautiful dress. I can't wait to wear it. I am working on a video series called, "My Chattanooga," that highlights the heart of Chattanooga, not the beautiful scenery, the heart. It shows people who are working to help others, and the work that they do truly helps support the Mental and Emotional Health of those around them. Mental Health Awareness is the campaign I am working to promote, and support others in their journey. I will post the information where you can find, "My Chattanooga," below. I am studying. I am studying how to improve myself everyday. So is Nelson. Living with an estranged adult child demands you improve if you want change. It demands you learned to become consistent in who you are right now and as you move forward. I have learned that one of the issues in estrangement is unpredictability. No matter how old we get, our children need stability from us, even when they are adults. That inspires me to work on myself every single day. It also requires that we do the work for our own benefit, not their benefit. Will it benefit them? Absolutely. That is the great thing about, "The Ripple Effect," it carries over to everyone around you. My improvement stems from God and God alone. I pray for my estranged adult daughter. I pray that she is working on her own healing and her own improvement. I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I prepare for the Mrs. Tennessee America. I need prayers for balance. What I mean by balance is exactly what it sounds like! I am having to walk in 6 inch heels with a 2 inch platform. Since I have balance and dizziness issues, it is proving quite a challenge! LOL. Please cheer me on! Remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let Nelson and I hear from you. We would love to know your story. You can follow my journey to Mrs. Tennessee America on YouTube @crystalmcdaniel-k5r Instagram @mrschattanooga TikTok @mrs..chattanooga #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mrstennesseeamerica #balanceinhighheels #mrschattanoogaamerica #mentalhealth #movingforward

It has been quite a week. Last weekend, I had a student involved with the NC National Association of Teachers of Singing Student Auditions. It was her first classical audition, and she was the the Lower High School Category. She made the regional level. That is quite an accomplishment for a student doing their first classical audition. I am very proud of her. That started off the week. As the week progressed, I had doctor's appointments and a very important meeting mid-week. Both of which were extremely stressful. I ended up having two therapy appointments, as a result. I wanted this week to go differently. I always do. It rarely does. I would think that by now, things would be calmer. They aren't. Life just continues to rub me like steel wool on rusty metal. I have hope that one day, I will have all the corrosion scrubbed off, and I will be shiny, and in good shape. At this moment, it is not time for me to write about everything that went on this week. Some of it is confidential. Both of these situations are causing much stress and anxiety. I know that one day, they both will pass. On top of all of it is also the ongoing estrangement with my adult daughter. If I were free to give all the details of everything that is going on, it would be a lot easier. Having to keep it all contained is very difficult. I really want to scream and cry. Both issues are unpleasant and frustrating. Not to mention, expensive. I wonder, at times, how Nelson and I are going to make it. Our life right now it filled with a lot of unknowns. We are walking, day by day, blindfolded. I am grateful that God is in control. I need to feel more of His presence right now. The blessing in all of this, is that the problems we are facing at the moment, are much more pressing and important than whether our estranged adult daughter will speak to us or not. As much as I would like that situation to resolve, I am coming to realize that there are much more important things to deal with in life. The enemy is attacking us from all sides. We are being attacked financially, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Moving forward feels like walking through very thick molasses. At least I know resistance brings strength. I have to admit, I am scared. It feels as though, everything I have ever done and worked for was useless. I feels as though, none of it mattered. There are just times that I get weary. I get tired of fighting. I get tired of feeling behind, and like I will never reach my goals. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer. Sometimes, you just have to speak what is circling round and round in your mind. This is a very trying time for us. I have had some victories. I have 3 students advancing to the regional level. God provided a new service dog for me. His name is Big. I have lost 48 pounds on the journey to become Mrs. Tennessee America. These are all good things. I thank God for these blessings. Believe me, I am putting my energy into keep my eyes on Jesus right now. There is no other choice. Jesus is the only way we are staying above water. Times for us are very difficult at the moment. I hope I will be able to reveal more soon. I will when I am able. Until then, please keep us in your prayers. We really need it at the moment. At this moment, I just feel like crying. I look forward to the day when there will be no more tears. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us from you, we want to know your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #fallenonhardtimes #needyourprayers #supportoneanother

The World's Tallest Rollercoaster. Watch the full video! I posted a video with this blog. This is a video of people riding the tallest roller coaster in the world. The man in front is enjoying every single moment. At the end, he calls it, "AMAZING!" My husband, Nelson, would call it that as well. He loves to ride rollercoasters. Going down the largest hills, he lifts his feet up, and his arms, just to experience a moment of zero gravity. I stay on the ground. I am terrified of heights. I can ride the roller coasters that loop. I absolutely will not ride the tall ones. Now that my left inner ear is dead, I cannot ride any of them. I causes too much vertigo. This is also the way I feel estrangement from my adult child has affected me. Life is a roller coaster. It goes up and down, and up and down. At times, it is terrifying. I am reading a book by the author, Lysa Terkheurst, called, "I Want to Trust You, But I Don't." In it there is an amazing quote that she writes, "We fear what we cannot control." I cannot control the things in life that send me plummeting to the ground. I feel the butterflies in my stomach, I cannot breathe, I know that it is all man made, and therefore not perfect, and could break or fail at any moment. I forget that God is involved, and I struggle to trust and He is going to catch me. I struggle to know that He is not going to let me stumble. The panic and fear and anxiety take over; it feels as though I am not going to survive. That part of my life is not fun. It is exhausting. So much is out of my control. It seems as though the surprises never end. I don't mean, "good," surprises either. Trust is so hard. I am learning to trust myself again. I am learning to trust others as well. Most of all, God is proving himself trustworthy. In the past week, I learned that I was born with a progressive vascular disease. I thank God that we found it. I was at the Rheumatologist and he ordered some x-rays, and that is how they found it. I went for a CT Scan. The finding were good and concerning. My heart has not been affected. That is good. The blood vessels around the heart have been affected. The damage is on the border of mild to moderate. Thankfully we did the CT Scan and caught it before it was too late. The damage cannot be reversed, but the progression can be slowed with medication. That is the route we are taking. During this process, I thought it necessary to inform my adult children, who are speaking to me. I also felt it appropriate to speak to their dad. He was of the opinion that my estranged adult daughter needed to be told. I gave him my permission to do so. He called her. He told me she was, "Sad and Concerned." I really don't know what that means. I'm not going to either. From my perspective, if I had learned about a health condition about my mother, I would have called to check on her. However, that is my perspective, not hers. I do not know what she thinks, feels, or what her perspective is. That is the whole thing, each person has their own view point. What I may see from where I am standing, is not what you may see, even if you are standing right beside me. How many times have we had to switch places with someone, in order for them to see what you are seeing? It is the same thing with her. This is all a part of the rollercoaster of life. When I heard how she had reacted, I was disappointed. I completely realize that in the end, my disappointment is valid, however, not relevant to the situation. I guess you can tell from what I am writing, there was no phone call from my estranged adult daughter. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. (At least, I remind myself of that over and over and over). It means she is not ready. What will it take for her to be ready? I have no clue. So...I continue to ride the rollercoaster. Nelson and I will move forward, as all married couples do when their adult children leave the house to build their own lives. Just like they have dreams that they want to accomplish, so do we. Now, I have a renewed purpose. If I have disease that is progressive, I am going to live my life as wide open as I can, for as long as I can. I am going to work on my bucket list, and start marking things off. I am going to be more intentional about caring for others. I am going to enjoy more moments. That is the best I can do. It is the best any of us can do. Do I still feel like there is a hole in my heart and life? Yes. I have two, one for my son, Jackson, and one for my estranged adult daughter. I pray everyday for grace, for mercy, for healing, for her, for Nelson, for my other two adult children, for you, for the world we live in right now. We have no time to waste. Life is just too short. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I would love to hear from you.

Our Son got married this past Saturday morning. He and his fiance' decided very quickly that they were going to go ahead and get married. We had about 10 days to put this event together. They wanted it small. So, surrounded by the people they love the most, we watched them dedicate their lives together before God. It was a beautiful service and a beautiful day for them, and for our friends and family. It was very special. Nothing fancy, very casual, but beautiful. I felt very proud of my son. What a great day to celebrate for him. Since the wedding happened so quickly, his sisters had to FaceTime in for the service. Nelson and I stayed away from the phone on which they FaceTimed. We both wanted the day to focus completely on Jacob, with no negativity. That is exactly what occurred. Our estranged daughter had put herself on mute and just listened. I was grateful that she was respectful enough to not be heard. I feel that it was considerate, and that she didn't want to get upset anyone by hearing her voice. I could be reaching, and that is not the reason at all. She could have been concerned that her dog would bark. LOL. I am going to go with my first idea. As time goes by, I am becoming more and more accepting of this estrangement. Little by little, I am loosening my grip on the pain and focusing my efforts on other things. I am getting a new service dog, we pick him up tomorrow. His name is Mr. Big T2. He is beautiful, and I can't wait to have him home after his training. I have been working hard as Mrs. Chattanooga America. I have lost 42 pounds and I think I am a size 2, (I am wearing size 4 jeans today, and they are baggy). My "Platform," that I am representing, and will be representing for a long time, is Mental Health Awareness. I am involved with 2 organzations, one is called, "Fortunate Sons," deploymenttherapy.com/fortunate-sons , https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61556751516897&mibextid=wwXIfr&rdid=crJHMqFZAwkOFnMY&share_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fshare%2F1524i5zvht%2F%3Fmibextid%3DwwXIfr# . The other is, "Reboot Recovery, Overcoming Trauma Together," https://rebootrecovery.com . I will be participating in the Reboot Recovery 12 week program, then training with them to become a Reboot Recovery group leader. I have started a GoFundMe, to raise funds for the Mrs. Tennessee America competition and for each of these organizations. I am dividing the funds 50/50. You can go to my GoFundMe and donate. I would love the support! I will put the link for my GoFundMe at the bottom of the this blog. I love to help people. I am filming a series of interviews with people here in Chattanooga that are doing things to support and help others, and how that helps the Mental Health of the people they work with. It is entitled, "My Chattanooga." I want to highlight the actual heart of Chattanooga, which is what makes it special. It is a beautiful city. It is not just beautiful on the outside. It is also, beautiful on the inside, because of the people. I was doing it for TikTok, however, since TikTok is up in the air. I will be posting it on other platforms, such as, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. Stay tuned for where you can watch it. I will be doing it as Mrs. Chattanooga America. Helping others is the best way to help yourself focus on something positive. When you are going through something hard, the best way to combat the enemy is to memorize scripture and go out and help someone other than yourself. Hard times can make your focus inward, and cause depression. Get up, get out, and show love to someone else. Get out of your own head. Remember, the battlefield is in the mind. Ephesians 6:12 NIV, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." My battle is not with my estranged daughter. It is against the enemy. Live in the victory that Jesus gave us, not in defeat. Estrangement hurts. God is good. Estrangement separates family, exactly what the enemy wants, God is still good. Extraordinary, good things are coming my way, and are coming your way. Commit to God, give Him all you have, love Him with all your heart, mind, and soul. Don't just believe, KNOW, that when you can't, when you have no control over your circumstance, GOD CAN, and is working for your good. https://gofund.me/d363f40f . My GoFundMe Remember you are loved and enough. Please comment below, Nelson and I would love to hear from you! #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #givetoothers #fortunatesons #rebootrecovery #traumarecovery #liveinvictory #godisgood