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Crystal McDaniel, Mrs. Chattanooga America (photo credit: Holte Avery I have written before that I am competing for the title of Mrs. Tennessee America. The above photo is one of my headshots for the pageant. The pageant is now 18 days away! I have been working on this for months, and now it is almost here. I am getting in the last of what I need mode. New white pants, shoes, earrings, I have to pick up my gown, a few makeup supplies, a clothes rack, an air wrap curling iron, etc. It is a little crazy. I have to make sure I have a QR code for Big to wear on his vest. He is very popular, so I created an instagram for him. Yes, Big will be with me, most of the time. It was a hard road to get to this point. Lots of walking, weight training, eating right, giving up sugar altogether, and working on my mental and emotional health. Letting go of the things that hold me back. Letting go of self-sabotage. Not listening to the negative junk that says, "Everyone is better than you. You are too old." No!!! Just NO! I still have something to give! I have learned self-worth. The estrangement knocked me for a loop. Just like Rocky, I may be bloody, and tired. What I know is this, "I CAN TAKE A PUNCH AND GET BACK UP!" You better be fast on your feet, and know how to move, because I will punch back! LOL! Estrangement with my adult daughter is painful. I freely admit it. It is just like a death. It is a death. The death of a relationship that I had, and now, no matter what happens, it will be different. Different doesn't have to be bad. It is just what it says, different. I do not know what that means right now. I will have to wait and see what God is going to do with this piece of different. I do know He has a plan, and my job is to follow Him, and obey Him. That is what I have decided. To know that I can have my life torn apart, and my heart broken, then move forward, regardless... It isn't that I have never had my heart broken. I have had it broken many times. I was devastated when my son died. I was devastated when my mother and I were betrayed by close family, and friends. (I am the outcast within my immediate family). That is a story for another time. The death of my son was not his choice. With my estranged adult daughter, it was her choice. That is what makes it so very painful. Yet, I move forward, step by step. Nelson and I choose to build the life we dream of having, and that God promised us, anyway... I decide every single day to follow Jesus. I choose Jesus over everything, even my husband and children. I choose Jesus when I am happy, I choose Jesus when I am heartbroken. I choose to go to the, "Light of the World." I walk to the light, though at times it is tiny, and way in the distance. I choose Him! I also choose Me! I heard a story about Serena Williams. In this story she talked about how when she made it to her first Wimbeldon Finals, all the press talked about was the other person she was playing. They doubted she would win. In this story she allegedly told, it was said that she decided that if everyone was going to choose the other person, she would choose herself! Then, later on when everyone was saying she was too old, she decided, "I Choose Me!" I think that it is tremendous thought process. I adopted it for myself and the Mrs. Tennessee America Title. I CHOOSE ME! God chose me! God says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Psalms 139:14. In His eyes, I am young, still just a child. I am going with that way of seeing me! Estrangement or not, I say it again, "I CHOOSE ME!" This Saturday, April 12, 2025, the voting for, "The People's Choice," starts. It ends during intermission at the pageant on April 26, 2025. I will be posting a link on here, as well as, on my Facebook page and my Instagram, @mrschattanooga. Each vote is $1.00 and the money goes to support two Charities, Victoria's Voice, and The Severe County Animal Shelter. Please join me in choosing, "ME!" I would love to have your support and come along for the ride! I am planning on winning Mrs. Tennessee America. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to know your story. #IChooseMe #HealingThroughEstrangement #EstrangementAwareness #AdultChildEstrangement #BreakingTheSilence #ReclaimingMyPeace #WalkingInGrace #EstrangedButEmpowered #UnspokenGrief #HealingOneDayAtATime #MrsChattanoogaAmerica #MrsTennesseeAmerica #MrsAmerica #BeautyWithPurpose #CrownedWithCourage #PageantWithAPurpose #MentalHealthMatters #EstrangmenWithAdultChild

Psalm 34:18 (ESV): "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Stop, Drop, and Grow: Holy Ground in the Middle of Heartache I didn’t see it coming—not like this. Life had been hard. Even disappointing. There had been moments of hope, sure—but more often than not, I felt like I was just surviving. I carried so much pain and hurt. The loss of my mama still aches deep in my bones. Watching her slowly slip away from me while battling dementia was one of the hardest things I’ve ever walked through. Years of caregiving took a toll that no one saw but God. Layered on top of that were the financial struggles, the weight of trauma that stretched across my lifetime—things that were never truly resolved. It all collided into one massive tidal wave of overwhelming responsibility. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t find solid ground. And then came one terrible day. A day I wasn’t sure I wanted to live through. I couldn’t see a way out of the pain. It swallowed me whole. I called my therapist. I sent texts to my children, telling them how much I loved them—just in case.I messaged my closest friend, who’s more than a brother to me, and asked him to be there for my adult children… because I was in trouble. And then, I went quiet. I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t respond to the frantic calls or desperate messages. I was drowning.I hurt my family. I was in a deep hole.And that very day, my adult estranged daughter stopped talking to me. A new pain began. Weeks went by, and I didn’t hear from her. But right before Christmas, she called to find out if she could come over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which she did. It was painful and awkward, and I worked hard to put on a good face. When my adult children left, I sobbed. Everything was different. My heart had shifted. There was such a distance between me and my adult estranged daughter. I knew it would never be the same. I spent months having panic attacks and seizures. I would collapse on the floor, sobbing and sobbing, crying out to Jesus for help. I had trouble functioning. Inside of me, something died. I felt empty and lost. Only when my first child died had I felt such grief. Only when my son died had I felt such a heartbrokenness. Then came the anger—anger at being abandoned. During a time when I needed my family around me, when I needed support, I was angry at her seeming indifference. I wanted to scream, to demand answers. But all I had was silence. And that silence stung deeper than I could ever put into words. Even in the midst of this pain, I knew God was with me. I could hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit: He has not given up on me. I asked my family, the two other adult children who are not estranged, and my husband if they would be willing to attend family therapy. They all wanted to. My adult children especially—they had thought we had needed that for a long time. We started going. At first, I hated it. It felt like a session of let's tell mommy all the bad things she has done to us.  It was torturous to hear how my children had been hurt over the years by things I had done—and things Nelson had done—unintentionally, but still hurtful. Again, I had panic attacks. I never, ever wanted to hurt my children. I was blind and deaf to my own shortcomings, to the past traumas that had been a catalyst to their pain—and to my own. Over time, I learned to stop feeling that way and listen. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I knew that change is painful, and growth is hard, and before I could do anything else, I had to stop and listen. A new way of communication began to emerge. Though it is still hard and awkward, it is working. But there was even more that I needed to do. I needed to learn to STOP —to truly stop and give myself space to hear God, to hear my family, and to listen to the deep, quiet calls in my soul. This wasn’t just about stopping to breathe, it was about stopping to listen, to understand, and to embrace change, even when it was difficult. Stop. I had to stop pretending. Stop pushing through. Stop putting on the brave face. I was not okay—and I finally allowed myself to admit it. In stopping, I found stillness. And in the stillness, God met me. Not with judgment. Not with shame. Just presence. Drop. I dropped to my knees in desperation. I dropped every ounce of pressure I had been carrying for far too long. I dropped the grief, the guilt, the rage, the hopelessness. I dropped it all like shattered glass at His feet. And that place—where I felt like I had nothing left? It became holy ground. The kind of sacred space where God does His deepest work. Where healing doesn’t always shout—but it shows up, quietly, faithfully, powerfully. Like Moses standing before the burning bush, God whispered: “This is holy ground.” Not because it was perfect, but because He was present. Grow. I never thought growth could happen in a place that broken. But it is. Little by little, breath by breath, I started to grow—not in spite of the heartache, but because of it. I grew into someone softer and stronger.I grew into someone who could look pain in the face and still speak life.I grew into someone who knows now— I am still here. And that means something. If you're reading this and you’ve ever felt that kind of darkness—you are not alone. If today feels too heavy, too hard, too much—I see you. Stop.  Breathe. Drop.  Let go. Grow.  Even here. Even now. Because the soil of sorrow can still grow something sacred. Even this… is holy ground. Let me know if you need anything else! We are still estranged from our adult daughter. None of what I wrote today has changed that part of our lives. It has changed me. Nothing is perfect, It never will be while I am in this life. Even on Holy Ground , I still struggle. Not me Lord! Not me! That is what I say to Him. What is His reply? "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." — Joshua 1:9 (NIV) Remember you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us know your story. We want to hear from you.

Parenting comes with many unexpected challenges, but nothing quite prepares you for the pain of estrangement from your own child. Estrangement is one of the most painful experiences a parent can face. The silence, the unanswered messages, and the uncertainty of the future can feel unbearable. If you’re in this place too, please know that you are not alone. For a long time, I carried the weight of hurt, confusion, and even anger. I wanted to understand. I wanted to fix things. But over time, I realized that holding onto these emotions wasn’t bringing my child back. It was only weighing me down, keeping me stuck in a cycle of sadness. Beyond that, I found myself angry at my spouse, feeling like they should have done more, said more, or understood my pain better. I also struggled with resentment when other family members continued to have contact with my child while I remained shut out. It felt unfair, like I was the only one paying the price. But that anger and resentment weren’t serving me—they were only adding to my suffering. That’s when I learned the power of letting go and forgiving—not just for my child’s sake, but for mine. Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting Forgiving an estrangement doesn’t mean you condone the hurt or dismiss your feelings. It means you’re choosing peace over pain. I had to remind myself that forgiveness was not about erasing the past but rather releasing its grip on my heart. Letting Go of What You Can’t Control One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that I can’t control my child’s choices, their perspective, or their healing process. I can only control how I respond. And so, I made a conscious choice to let go of the need for immediate reconciliation and instead focus on healing myself. Letting go isn’t giving up—it’s allowing yourself to live fully, even in the waiting. Extending Grace—to Myself and to Them I’ve made mistakes. My child has made mistakes. We are both human, both learning, both feeling. Instead of replaying past conversations or wishing I had done things differently, I’ve chosen to give myself grace. I am still worthy of love, even in the midst of this brokenness. And so is my child. Finding Peace in the Present Instead of dwelling on what I’ve lost, I try to focus on what I still have. I nurture the relationships that bring me joy, embrace the hobbies that fill my heart, and remind myself daily that my life is still meaningful. Practical Steps Toward Forgiveness and Peace Practice Mindfulness:  Daily meditation, journaling, or prayer can help you process emotions and reduce stress. Set Healthy Boundaries:  Protect your emotional well-being by recognizing what is and isn’t yours to carry. Reframe Your Perspective:  Instead of focusing on the pain, shift your thoughts to gratitude for the love and relationships you still have. Write a Letter (Even If You Don’t Send It):  Expressing your feelings in a letter to your child can be a powerful way to release emotions and find clarity. Trust the Journey:  Healing takes time. Allow yourself the grace to move forward at your own pace. Leaving the Door Open Forgiveness also means keeping hope alive—not in a way that prevents you from healing, but in a way that welcomes the possibility of reconciliation when and if the time is right. I choose to leave the door open, with love, without expectation. If you are struggling through estrangement, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Release the burden of resentment and make space for healing. You deserve peace, no matter the outcome. And always remember—you are not alone in this journey. Remember that you are loved and enough. Don't forget to comment below. Nelson and I would love to hear your story #Forgiveness #Healing #Estrangement #Parenting #LettingGo #SelfCare #FindingPeace #FamilyHealing #Hope #EmotionalWellness #FamilyEstrangement #ParentEstrangement

I never imagined I would find myself here—mourning the living. Estrangement is a grief unlike any other, a silent ache that the world often refuses to acknowledge. There are no sympathy cards for this kind of loss, no well-meaning casseroles dropped at your doorstep, no collective moments of mourning. Instead, there is a quiet, gnawing pain that seeps into the spaces where love and connection once thrived. For those of us who have experienced estrangement—whether from a parent, a child, a sibling, or a dear friend—the grief is complicated. It is the grief of birthdays uncelebrated, phone calls unreturned, and memories that feel like they belong to someone else. It is the grief of walking through life knowing that someone who once held a vital place in your heart is out there, but unreachable. Unrecognized Grief: Also Disenfranchised Grief Unrecognized Grief, offically known as Disenfranchised grief, the kind of sorrow that isn’t widely recognized or validated by society, is particularly brutal. People don’t always understand it. They ask, “Can’t you just fix things?” or “Why don’t you just reach out?” as if the fracture is a simple misunderstanding, easily remedied with a heartfelt conversation. But estrangement is rarely that simple. It is often the result of deep wounds, betrayal, unresolved trauma, or differences so vast that they cannot be bridged without significant change from both parties. What makes this grief even harder is the isolation that comes with it. Without societal recognition, we are left to navigate our emotions alone. We second-guess ourselves. We wonder if we are overreacting. We replay conversations, searching for moments where things could have been different. And sometimes, we hold onto hope that things will change, only to be met with silence. So how do we cope? How do we move forward when our hearts feel so tethered to someone who is absent? For me, it has been a journey of learning to validate my own pain. I have had to remind myself that my grief is real, that my feelings are valid, even if they don’t fit into the traditional mold of loss. I have also found solace in community—connecting with others who understand this kind of heartache. There is healing in shared experiences, in knowing that I am not alone in this. And while the pain doesn’t disappear, it becomes more manageable when I allow myself to grieve, rather than suppress it. Healing from estrangement doesn’t mean giving up hope. It means finding a way to live fully even with the absence. It means allowing ourselves the grace to move forward without guilt. It means creating space for joy, for love, for new connections that remind us we are still worthy of deep and meaningful relationships. Steps to Help with Disenfranchised Grief and Healing Acknowledge Your Pain  – I remind myself daily that my grief is real and valid. I don’t need external validation to know that what I feel is significant. Allow Yourself to Grieve  – I give myself permission to mourn the loss, just as I would with any other significant loss. Suppressing it only prolongs the pain. Set Boundaries  – If reconciliation is not an option or is unhealthy, I set firm boundaries to protect my well-being. I remind myself that it’s okay to prioritize my mental and emotional health. Seek Support  – I find comfort in sharing my experiences with others who understand. Support groups, therapy, and trusted friends help me process my emotions. Create New Rituals  – Instead of focusing on the absence, I cultivate new traditions that bring me joy and meaning, whether that’s spending holidays differently or celebrating milestones in new ways. Practice Self-Compassion  – I try to be gentle with myself, knowing that healing is not linear. There will be good days and hard days, and that’s okay. Focus on the Present  – I work to shift my focus from what I’ve lost to what I still have. Gratitude for the relationships and experiences in my life helps me find peace. Be Open to Healing  – While I don’t force reconciliation, I stay open to the possibility of healing—whether that’s within myself or in my relationships over time. If you are navigating the unspoken heartache of estrangement, know that I see you. I honor your grief. And most importantly, I believe in your ability to heal, even in the midst of the loss. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let Nelson and I hear from you. We want to hear your story. #Estrangement #FamilyEstrangement #HealingFromEstrangement #DisenfranchisedGrief #GrievingTheLiving #EmotionalHealing #SelfCompassion #YouAreNotAlone #HealingJourney #MovingForward #SettingBoundaries #MentalHealthAwareness #CopingWithGrief #UnspokenGrief #HealingAfterLoss #TraumaRecovery #BreakingTheCycle #LettingGo #GriefSupport #HopeAndHealing

Experiencing estrangement from my adult child has been one of the most painful and confusing journeys of my life. I’ve often found myself wondering, Why did this happen?  and What did I do wrong?  Through research and self-reflection, I’ve come to realize that my child’s perspective holds valuable insight into our estrangement. By stepping into their shoes, I’ve begun to understand their reasons and how I can navigate this situation with empathy and hope. I’ve learned that estrangement isn’t usually caused by a single event but rather a buildup of unresolved issues. Some common reasons that adult children cite for distancing themselves include: Unresolved Childhood Trauma  – My child may have experienced emotional pain or neglect that I wasn’t fully aware of at the time. Even if I didn’t mean to cause harm, their perspective matters. Differing Values and Beliefs  – As they’ve grown into adulthood, our views on politics, religion, parenting, or lifestyle choices may have created tension. Toxic or Dysfunctional Patterns  – They may feel that our relationship involves unhealthy dynamics, such as a lack of respect for boundaries, criticism, or favoritism. Influence of a Spouse or Partner  – Sometimes, a child’s partner can impact their relationship with their parents, especially if conflicts have arisen between us. Mental Health and Personal Growth  – My child may need space to heal, prioritize their well-being, or establish independence from family dynamics they perceive as harmful. It’s incredibly difficult to accept my child’s perspective when it feels so different from my own. But research has shown me that adult children who choose estrangement often do so for emotional safety, not to punish their parents. They may fear confrontation, feel unheard, or believe reconciliation is impossible without change.  As I process this situation, I’m striving to approach it with understanding and self-reflection. Here are some steps I’m taking: Listening Without Defensiveness  – When my child is willing to talk, I will make an effort to listen rather than defend myself. Their feelings are valid, even if I don’t fully agree. Respecting Boundaries  – If they need space, I honor that instead of pushing for contact. Forcing the issue may make things worse. Engaging in Self-Reflection  – I’ve started seeking therapy and reading about parent-child estrangement to better understand my role in our relationship. Apologizing and Validating  – If I’ve hurt my child in ways I didn’t recognize before, I’m working on offering sincere apologies without justification. Being Patient and Hopeful  – Healing takes time. Even if reconciliation never happens, I want to grow as a person and find peace within myself. Estrangement is complex and deeply painful, but understanding my child’s perspective has given me a new outlook. By approaching this with empathy, growth, and patience, I hope to either rebuild our relationship or, at the very least, find peace in my own journey. No matter the outcome, my goal is to continue learning, healing, and showing love in whatever way I can. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Make sure to comment below. Nelson and I want to hear from you. #Estrangement #AdultChildEstrangement #ParentalEstrangement #AdultEstrangement #ParentChildRelationships #FamilyHealing #UnderstandingEstrangement #HealingThroughEmpathy #ParentingChallenges #EmotionalBoundaries #ReconciliationJourney #SelfReflection #FamilyDynamics #MentalHealthAwareness #ForgivenessAndHealing #PersonalGrowth #EstrangedButHopeful #NavigatingEstrangement #EstrangementRecovery #HealingFromEstrangement

Over the weekend, I received some good news from a very close friend. He and his wife were also going through an estrangement with their college age daughter. He was in a text exchange with his daughter, and she asked if she could come by and visit with their cat, Luna, and see them while she was there. They promptly replied with a resounding, "YES!" They are now traveling tomorrow to go see her, and take her to lunch. What wonderful news for them. I was so happy! It gave me a bit of hope. He was concerned about telling me, because of the estrangement with our adult daughter. He thought it might upset me. It didn't at all. I love them very much, and want to see them reconciled to each other. It is so good to know that one of us is getting things resolved. I pray God blesses their visit tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about it. This is wonderful news to get, while we are still waiting. Good news is always in front of us, when we take the time to look for it. I am guilty of not taking the time I need to look around and find all the good that are in my life. I have three friends that are family to me. I am so very grateful. I have a son and a daughter who are very loving and kind. I have a husband who loves me. I have great students. I am almost ready for the Mrs. Tennessee America Pageant. I am thankful for all the support I have been getting. I have my dogs, and they are such a joy in my life. They make Nelson and I smile and laugh daily. Yes, there is good everywhere. I am choosing daily to find something to say, "Thank you, Lord!" Keeping my mind occupied with taking care of myself, and focus on what I need to accomplish for the upcoming Mrs. Tennessee America Pageant, is what I need to be doing. It is a good distraction from all the junk that has gone on for so long. My studio, my students, practicing my music, working with my new Service Dog, filming more episodes of, "My Chattanooga," has to take the front seat. Highlighting Mental and Emotional Health is very important. It doesn't just affect me, it has an affect on every person on the planet. "My Chattanooga," speaks to this issue, and centers around the wonderful work that people in Chattanooga do to aid and lift up others to help with the Mental Health of this community. Mental and Emotional health has affected me from the moment I was born. We all are flawed humans. It is time for all of us to take a deep look within ourselves, and stop the generational, habitual actions that influence us, our children, and then our grandchildren. It is my opinion, after much prayer and reflection, that this is one of the reasons that Nelson and I are estranged from our adult daughter. Complex PTSD is very difficult to navigate. Especially when you are trained, brainwashed, and gaslighted during your early years. All households have something. All households are dysfunctional in some way. I grew up with a daddy that did not realize his own mental and emotional damage, and the havoc he was wreaking on the rest of us. I had a wonderful daddy on one hand, very heroic and amazing. Then there was the dark side of him. The one that would yell and scream, call my mother names, and beat my brother and me. He taught us to be afraid. There are many households like mine. Parents that pass on the negative things that they were taught. I would like to see a world that begins to change this narrative. The fear and anger that goes on around us comes from some of these issues. I know that these choices can be made. It takes a lot of work. I had to be willing to look inside of myself. I had to be, and continue to be willing to listen to my husband, my son, and my daughter when they need to share their pain, or their hurt with something I have done. I have cried an ocean of tears to make the change. Realizing that my own faults and failings have hurt my family, is devastating at times. It is necessary to be open to hearing hard things from others in order to change. This is probably the only path that Nelson and I have to walk, if we ever hope to have reconciliation with our estranged daughter. It doesn't mean we were terrible parents, or that we are terrible people. It just means that we are human, and carry with us things from our childhoods, and from our past, that have become a hindrance to our mental and emotional health. These things need to be recognized, and healed. Healing takes time. It takes more time than any of us would like. We are not patient people, are we? I don't like to wait, I want it all resolved now. Don't you? Unfortunately, that is not going to occur. Nelson and I have to wait. Until the time comes, we will be happy for our friends. We are happy that their reconciliation has started. That is very good news. Please remember you are loved and enough. Please comment below. Nelson and I would like to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #parentalestrangement #adultestrangement #reconciliation #goodnews #goodfriends #mentalandemotionalhealth #mrschattanoogaamerica #mychattanooga #mrstennesseeamerica

30 years ago, today, I gave birth to my twin daughters. All of my pregnancies were very difficult. My first child, my son, died. He was stillborn. It was horrific. I watched his last heartbeat on sonogram. My oldest son, after 2 months of going in and out of ICU, and 7 different medications, was born prematurely. He is now 31 years old, happily married, and doing well. My twin girls, after 3 months of going in and out of ICU and 13 different medications, were born prematurely, and as of today, are celebrating year 30. It was a long, difficult road to get my children here alive. I am grateful and blessed every single day. Today is a very special day for me, as I know it is for my daughters. 31 years, I have been a mother. You would think I would know more than I do. My adult children have been learning and growing as human beings during that time as well. I have only been a mother, as long as they have been alive. When I think about it that way, the experience they have had living, is the same learning time period as I have had being a mother. We have been learning and growing together. Yet, it feels as though I am expected to know more, and have more ability to understand everyone's needs. As long as they were babies, is as long as I was a mother too with babies, then toddlers, then preschoolers, then elementary schoolers, then middle schoolers, then high schoolers, then college kids, and now adults. Every stage in their lives, was a stage for me as well. I was learning to be a mother during that time period, under those particular circumstances, and so was my husband. No one can really teach you those skills, you have to do your research, know your children, and do your very best to guide them, and be their for them, and learn from your mistakes. When my children were born, everything I thought I had worked out in theory, I had to test in real life. Some of my theories worked out, some did not. No child is born into a household with parents who already have all the wisdom and knowledge they need to be a parent. We grow as they grow. Today, as I ponder all of these things, I think about this particular birthday for my twin adult daughters. Life has changed so much since this estrangement began. I used to get a cake, and we would call both of the girls, and sing, "Happy Birthday," one at a time. We would light two different sets of candles, so they could both have their own candles, and their own song. Now, I do it only for one of them. I only purchase one gift, and I sing, "Happy Birthday," one time. What would have been a bigger birthday celebration, is not. Year 30 is a big birthday year. It is coming a going, fairly quietly. I am simply spending some time, reminiscing. I know I will never get this time back. I will never get back the ability to celebrate the 30th birthday of my estranged adult daughter. Just like leaves on water, I am watching it flow right on by me. I have to radically accept that fact. I pray that she is happy and good with it as well. Special days, for me, have been demoted to just another, common day. The sun is out, the sky is blue, it is a beautiful day. I pray she is blessed with the same weather. I pray she celebrates in a way that makes her feel special and happy. I pray that she is doing well. I pray for her to prosper. I am her mother. I only want the best that life can offer her, even though, I feel as though I am not part of being one of the best things in life for her. Accepting that part is hard, and painful. So...Happy Birthday my beautiful, estranged daughter. I am holding back tears, from the pain of wanting to be able to say that to you over the phone, via text, email, FaceTime, whatever mode of communication you would choose. I am hurting because I cannot. No matter what, I am still happy you are my daughter, the pain I feel let's me know I still love you, no matter what the situation. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to know your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #birthdayswithanestangedchild #thespecialnotsospecialday #mrschattanoogaamerica #mrstennesseeamerica #godisgood #growingpains

For so long, Nelson and I lived in survival mode. We did not nurture ourselves at all. We were just trying to keep our heads above water. We have survived many things. Do not misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with being a survivor. I am a survivor of childhood abuse, molestation, adulthood abuse, the death of a child, the estrangement of an adult child, severe financial hardships, and the list goes on. I am very proud of myself for being a survivor. Being a survivor, comes with a large cost on my mental and emotional wellbeing. That is why I am realizing that nurturing myself is not only healing, it is necessary. Nelson and I do not just want to survive. We want to thrive!!!!!! Last week, was NOT fun at all! Cutting off someone I dearly love is very difficult. She has her boundary that she did not cross. I have mine. Unfortunately, our boundaries clashed. Sometimes that happens. It is hard when it does. Very hard. I pray that God helps me get better at drawing that line for myself. I pray that Nelson gets better at drawing that line for himself. It is imperative for our relationship and our individual health that we become people who will guard our hearts, as it says in the scripture. People are flawed. I am coming to see that more and more as I get older. In fact, as I write this, I can hear the Holy Spirit teaching me lessons in the words that I am writing. I do not think any of this is actually coming from me at all. I am learning, as I write this, that my personal boundaries do not just extend to what I will and will not tolerate with others. It is also covering what I will and will not tolerate from myself. Behaviors that I will not tolerate. Decisions that I will not tolerate. Desires that I will not tolerate. All of these things are very personal. Wow! Just Wow! Drawing a line with myself is necessary! Honestly, I have never thought about it in that manner. I am sure some of you, that are reading this, have thought about it. I am sure that you are surprised that I have not! That is what happens with people that have had a lifetime of abuse. We are conditioned to think in a very different way. Growing up, I was taught that I must take care of everyone around me. I must always show up when they call. Living with crisis was normal. There was always a crisis. There was always a fire that needed to be put out. I had to show up and deal with it. If not, I was on the receiving end of a lot of backlash. If I said anything, I was told that I was in the wrong, don't share my thoughts, my thoughts are stupid, and unwanted. I was never allowed to share my emotions. Especially hurt and anger. I could be angry, I just couldn't let anyone know. That is what I was told. I was conditioned and ultimately brainwashed. It has taken me a long time to figure out who I am, and what I want, and who I want to become in this world. I still struggle with that part. That is why, not realizing that I need boundaries for myself, as well as, boundaries I will not cross for others. Now that I am thinking more about it, boundaries for myself comes in the form of self-control and discipline. Hmmmm. There is a thought on which I need to meditate. Again, I am sure that you, the reader, think, "Crystal, aren't all these things obvious?" NOPE! Not for someone with Complex PTSD, and a lifetime abuse survivor. Once I was 18, and off to college, I was basically on my own to figure life out. My parents would not really advise me on anything. Eighteen is awfully young to be on your own to figure it out. I put myself through college. I worked full time and went to school full time. I paid for everything. Having good, healthy relationships was foreign to me. It never crossed my mind. My parents were married very young. My brother was married very young. I was criticized because I had dated a lot of different guys. It was considered poor behavior. I had been expected to meet my spouse in High School, the way my family had done, and get married. That was not my path. I felt mixed up and lost. I felt lonely. I kept looking for someone to guide and help me. I did not have a life mentor. I needed a strong, christian woman in my life to advise and help me. I just floundered. I tried to keep up a good facade. I don't think it worked. I am sure that some of this junk contributed to our estrangement with our adult daughter. If I am hard on myself, I probably would have wanted to get away from me too. I am very blessed that Nelson has faithfully stuck by my side for almost 25 years of marriage. I am learning to stop being hard on myself. I am learning to be good and kind to me. I am learning to be forgiving to me. I like me. I am a kind, talented, intelligent person. I am giving myself permission to be flawed and love myself. While I would love for this estrangement to have never happened, it did. I am getting past the pain of it, and facing the flaws in myself, and learning to not just survive it. I am gaining ground, an inch at a time, and beginning to thrive. Nelson is growing in that direction too. I can see him growing as a person, and not keeping stuck on the Merry-Go-Round of doing things the same 'ol way. He is growing his own health insurance business, and even though it is taking time, each week it is growing. He is committed to its growth and success. If our estranged adult daughter ever decides to return, I believe she is going to find very different parents than she had when she left. That is probably going to be awkward for her, to find that we are miles away from when she decided to cut us off. That will be interesting, if it ever happens. Well, this is a very deep start for the week. Who knew? God did! God is always working for our good. Growth is always painful, thus the name, "growing pains." I am going to make sure that this week, I more than survive! Remind yourself that you are loved and enough. Comment below, we want to hear your story! #morethansurvive #thrive #surthrival #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #godisgood #mentalhealth #mrschattanoogaamerica #mrstennesseeamerica #thankfulformyhusband #keepgrowing

This week Is rough. There were several things that have happened that were overwhelming. I have several panic attacks, and a seizure. That happens when I have panic attacks. It hasn't been fun AT ALL. I finally had to draw a line. Healthy boundaries are necessary. I decided there was a line that I was not going to cross. In the past, I have done everything I can to keep the peace and make others comfortable. As a result, I have been stepped on and stepped on. I finally decided enough is enough. Nelson and I have an adult daughter who is estranged from us, which is emotionally draining in and of itself. Nelson is also building a new Health Insurance business. Anyone who has ever built a business knows that the first few years make finances very tight, because you have to invest in your own business over and over. I am also working on competing for Mrs. Tennessee America, and I run my own business. It is a lot to juggle. Someone calling and dumping their issues in my direction was a step too far. I hung up the phone and walked away. I still am reeling from the week. I will be doing a lot of DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), over the next few days. It is hard to get your mind changed, so that your body can stop reacting. I have been programmed to be concerned about others, and to throw away anything I feel or think. I grew up in a household where I was enforced over and over, that my opinion and thoughts were not valid. I was told I was too emotional, and to not let anyone, most especially my daddy, how I feel about anything. I just need to keep it to myself, and make sure that I did everything that was ever asked of me with no question. Standing up for myself has not really been an option. I have had enough of being blamed for the thoughts and feelings of others. This includes my estranged adult daughter. I honestly feel like I have been blamed, belittled, misunderstood, put down, unimportant, degraded, abandoned and betrayed. Everytime situations like these occur, it takes a toll on my mentally, emotionally and physically. The seizures that I have are called, "Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures." They are terrible. I start shaking, and it becomes larger and larger, until my whole body is convulsing and I cannot control it. It can take a while to stop. Panic and Anxiety causes me to have balance issues, it killed my left inner ear. I have trouble just walking through a grocery store/Walmart/Target. I get dizzy and nauseated while walking down the aisle. I get overstimulated, and all the light and reflection from the floor triggers the dizziness. Rainy days trigger the dizzy and nausea. Anxiety is destructive. I am doing all that I can to prevent it. That is the reason I have had to draw a line, and say, "I will walk off from situations and people who cause me to feel high anxiety and panic, and trigger seizures. It is these situations that have contributed to my need for a service dog. I fall frequently, due to this condition. I have broken my leg falling, due to this condition. A person triggering that type of reaction is not worth my mental, emotional, and physical health. Just writing about this is bringing up anxiety. Although, it is cathartic. I am writing it out...I am saying it out loud. At this point in my life, I do not have room for people who want to place their rules, regulations, and discriminatory behavior in my direction. Live that out on your side of the line. If you have a problem with me, or something I have done, be kind, and approach the subject desiring to have a two way, adult conversation, and be willing to come to an agreement that works for both parties. Do not talk to me as though I am a child. When our adult daughter decided to choose estrangement, it was heartbreaking. I have said that before. I cannot emphasize it enough. Heartbreak can kill a person. It is true, you can actually die from heartbreak. I am still heartbroken. Nelson is heartbroken. Our life has changed forever, and we know it will never change back. At this point, it has broken our family. What was five, is now four. There is a hole. I cannot allow anyone else to push me into another hole. I chose myself for once. I am good with that choice, and I am proud of myself for standing up for my own beliefs, rather than being pushed to compromising for the comfort of someone else. It has been a hard week. I have made hard choices. I still feel tons of anxiety. I am working on that part daily. I know I will be ok. I look forward to the days ahead, because I know I will become stronger as a result. Please remember you are love and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #standupforyourself #healthyboundaries #mentalhealth #servicedog #stopdiscrimination #complexptsd #panic/anxietydisorder

This past weekend, I took students to the NATS Mid-Atlantic Region Student Auditions. It was a great event. I had one student to win both of her categories, and she qualified for the National Student Auditions. I am so proud of my students. I cannot tell you how much it helps me mentally and emotionally to work with them, and to have them in my life. Since this estrangement with our adult daughter started, having my students to work with has been a constant sustaining force in my life. They have been a source of joy, and have help to sustain me during one of the worst situations of my life. I am so proud of all of my students. I am also grateful for the friendships that I have gained through being a member of the NATS organization. Going there, and being around my students and the other members, has lifted me up, and made me feel accepted, no matter what has happened. Watching and listening to my students this past weekend was thrilling. Their success is my success. I love seeing them soar. It reminds me that something wonderful can happen in the midst of hardship. I can still be successful, regardless of the circumstances. For a while, I felt as though I was a failure at everything. This past weekend, I realized that is not true. I am loved by my students, and I am loved by my friends. I have great success at what I do, and how I sing and teach. I can hear and see that in the voices of my students, and in the comments they receive from the judges. I know that no matter what occurs, I can keep going, and still make a difference to others, regardless of whether my estranged adult daughter speaks to me or not. Wonderful things can still happen, in the middle of great grief, sorrow, and loss. That realization is such a blessing from God. Plus, I still have one more student yet to compete. We make her audition video at the end of this week, and then submit it for judging. She could move forward to the national level as well, we will see. Wouldn't that be great! I could use more good news!! I am gaining more and more confidence everyday. Inch by inch, I am gaining ground, and so does Nelson. I am working hard getting ready for the Mrs. Tennessee America Pageant. My gown will be ready soon, I am waiting to find out if one of my outfits is going to make it in time. It was supposed to be delivered today. I got a message saying that they couldn't find my address. Ugh!! I had to contact the people I purchased it from. They supposedly are looking into it. I really hope they are going to get down to the bottom of it. I NEED THAT OUTFIT! Lol! My swimsuit is on its way. I have a few more things that need to get paid for the event. I am getting close to being finished. I have been working with a pageant coach on my interview. I am working on my walk. I am going to be doing an interview about having a service dog. I have my interview outfit. I just about have everything finished. It is about to get exciting! I have lost the weight I needed to lose, and now I wear a size 0!! That is just crazy! I am keeping my eyes on what is important at the moment. I think that is good for me to do right now. Especially under the circumstances. The past year and a half has been extremely hard. I have wavered up and down emotionally and mentally. I have been in pain. However, over the past few days, I have seen sunshine. I am very grateful. In the last communication we had from our estranged adult daughter, she said that her, "Space," from us may take months or even years. She said that she didn't know, because it would take however it long it takes for her to heal. We are now into the, "Years," part of the estrangement. What does that mean for me? I can survive, and begin to thrive. I love my daughters, and my son. They have to do their own thing, just like I have to do mine. I am getting better. I am beginning to have hope for my own life. This is a VERY good thing! Please know you are loved and enough. Comment on this blog, and let us hear from you! We would love to know your story! #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #goodthingscanhappen #voiceteacher #greatstudents #mcdanielmusicstudios #mentalhealth #moveforward #mrschattanoogaamerica #mrstennesseeamerica

Nelson and I have healed a lot since this whole estrangement began with our adult daughter. We have begun to laugh again, and have normal conversations that don't have anything to do with her. Nelson encourages me in my journey towards becoming Mrs. Tennessee America, and I encourage him in his work at his Health Insurance Office. We are working on ourselves and our relationship. No matter what, there is always a point every single day, when she enters my mind. She is always there, even if she isn't in the front of my thoughts at the time. She is my daughter, and I love her. I do not like what she is doing right now, however, it does not stop me from loving her. The memories are the hardest. She was the daughter that always wanted to sit with me. She traveled with me, she loved my purse. She told me that Mommy's purses are magical. She said that mommy purses always had everything you ever need in them. She said that she knew that I would always fight for her and come for her. When she cut us off, and asked that we don't communicate with her in any way, it made everything feel false. Did she ever mean anything she said? I heard today, on a podcast, that we can have two different emotions at the same time. I know that is true. The podcaster said that sometimes, your child feels all the love for you, however, there is a part of them that is not expressing the other emotion that they also have going on underneath. It causes me pain to know that she is holding on to something that is bothering her, and that she will not express it, and let us know. Did she feel that we were too immeshed? Maybe so. Did she feel she couldn't be herself? That is probably part of it too. I do not know. I only know that I have these memories of a family, that I no longer have. Her decision has changed our family. I know that God will work this out for our good. I can tell that is what He is doing. It doesn't stop it from being overwhelmingly painful, and traumatizing. The doubt that this estrangement has brought into my life is almost tangible. I doubt every memory that I have in my mind. At times, I don't believe any of it was real. I know what we did, and what we said. I can still hear her saying, "I love you." I just doubt that she is telling the truth. I heard on the podcast that an estranged child can love their parents, but just need time on their own to grow and learn, without feeling obligated to speak, or be involved, or be around their parents at all. I know that I will never be able to understand her choosing this path. I have to continue to tell myself that it is ok that I never understand. I don't have to understand, I just need to love her. I admit, after being hurt so much by her, I doubt myself on that level as well. This estrangement has scrambled my brain and my heart. Even though I am doing better, it is not easy to get better. The hardest part of it all? I cannot fight for her. I have learned, "Be Still and Know that I am God." I know God will fight for me. I absolutely am powerless. I pray, because prayer has power. I don't. I have faith in God. Even harder, is knowing that it is all in God's timing and God's plan. His ways are better and higher than mine. As much as I want this estrangement to end in my lifetime, I don't know that it will. There is no assurance. Left with nothing more I can do, I leave it to God. I have to leave my heart to God. I place my life in His hands, and I give my estranged adult daughter over to Him as well. If feel the tears well up in my eyes right now, knowing that I may never hear her voice, or see her again, and that has to be ok, because I trust God. Do I doubt God in this situation? Yes! I am human, and I want it my way. i have completely learned that there is no, "my way," in an estrangement. I only have one choice, and that it to place all of my trust in God, no matter what. It is extremely painful. I am changed, Nelson is changed, our other two adult children are changed, our family is changed. In a blink of any eye. Nelson and I are finding our footing. It is difficult. We are doing better, as I said earlier. We are not on solid ground yet. We will be, one day. I just pray that, "one day," is going to come sooner than later. I am working on not looking back at the memories. What was is no more. Nelson and I are working on making new ones. I pray God's blessing on us, so that the new memories are trustworthy, and do not leave me in doubt. That is my prayer. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #memoriescanbepainful #helpmeovercomemydoubt #godisgood #mentalhealth

I am glad that everything we go through in life is temporal. Nothing lasts, except for our faith in God and His word. No matter what I am going through, it isn't going to last. Even when I don't know how long situations will go on, I know that they will not last. The past two weeks have been weird. I found 3 lumps in the left side of my chest...I went to the doctor. The doctor sent me for a Mammogram and an Ultrasound. It was normal. That is very good news. The lumps in the left side of my chest are still there, and there is some swelling with it. Today, I go to the rheumatologist. I am praying he will have some answers. While we are in this world, isn't there always something that goes on at the most unexpected moments? I think so!! Nelson and I continue to move forward. The estrangement with our adult daughter has taught us to live our lives, despite the grief and pain. I admit, it has taken me longer to do so, than Nelson. Nelson is so great at compartmentalizing. I am not. I tend to rinse and repeat the pain that I feel. I am attempting to change the circumstance. That is a part of grief. Bargaining. It takes me a while to settle with the fact that what happens has happened and I have no power to change the outcome. Our estranged daughter is still estranged. I continue to pray, and take solace in the fact that this will pass, eventually. What tends to dissatisfy me, is when other friends and family members show no compassion, and make statements that are disconnected. It is annoying. They are uncomfortable with the situation, so, they just sweep it under-the-rug, and want me to do the same in that moment. I truly believe they think they are being helpful. They are not. It is the exact opposite. They are leaving me lonely, rejected, and feeling abandoned. It also lets me know that they are not capable of dealing with the pain of another. I don't believe these people are even able to deal with their own pain. That is living in denial. I have given up talking with them about it. It isn't worth the disappointment in them that I ending up feeling. I have decided to not mention the estrangement to these people. I am grateful, for my closest friends. They are always there to listen and care. It is good to surround yourself with your closest friends, those that do not judge, and want to walk beside you, through the good and bad. So...we continue forward. I am full blast into the preparation for the Mrs. Tennessee America. I have lost all the weight I need to lose. I am now just maintaining. I am down to a size 2-4. I have ordered my opening number clothes, or at least the top. I still need to get the pants. I have to order another pair of shoes. I have my interview outfit, and my evening gown is in its last phase of alterations. I had another fitting earlier this week, and she is taking the dress in a little more, and the hem up slightly. It is a beautiful dress. I can't wait to wear it. I am working on a video series called, "My Chattanooga," that highlights the heart of Chattanooga, not the beautiful scenery, the heart. It shows people who are working to help others, and the work that they do truly helps support the Mental and Emotional Health of those around them. Mental Health Awareness is the campaign I am working to promote, and support others in their journey. I will post the information where you can find, "My Chattanooga," below. I am studying. I am studying how to improve myself everyday. So is Nelson. Living with an estranged adult child demands you improve if you want change. It demands you learned to become consistent in who you are right now and as you move forward. I have learned that one of the issues in estrangement is unpredictability. No matter how old we get, our children need stability from us, even when they are adults. That inspires me to work on myself every single day. It also requires that we do the work for our own benefit, not their benefit. Will it benefit them? Absolutely. That is the great thing about, "The Ripple Effect," it carries over to everyone around you. My improvement stems from God and God alone. I pray for my estranged adult daughter. I pray that she is working on her own healing and her own improvement. I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I prepare for the Mrs. Tennessee America. I need prayers for balance. What I mean by balance is exactly what it sounds like! I am having to walk in 6 inch heels with a 2 inch platform. Since I have balance and dizziness issues, it is proving quite a challenge! LOL. Please cheer me on! Remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let Nelson and I hear from you. We would love to know your story. You can follow my journey to Mrs. Tennessee America on YouTube @crystalmcdaniel-k5r Instagram @mrschattanooga TikTok @mrs..chattanooga #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mrstennesseeamerica #balanceinhighheels #mrschattanoogaamerica #mentalhealth #movingforward