This Week Is A Tough Week

This week Is rough. There were several things that have happened that were overwhelming. I have several panic attacks, and a seizure. That happens when I have panic attacks. It hasn't been fun AT ALL. I finally had to draw a line. Healthy boundaries are necessary. I decided there was a line that I was not going to cross. In the past, I have done everything I can to keep the peace and make others comfortable. As a result, I have been stepped on and stepped on. I finally decided enough is enough. Nelson and I have an adult daughter who is estranged from us, which is emotionally draining in and of itself. Nelson is also building a new Health Insurance business. Anyone who has ever built a business knows that the first few years make finances very tight, because you have to invest in your own business over and over. I am also working on competing for Mrs. Tennessee America, and I run my own business. It is a lot to juggle. Someone calling and dumping their issues in my direction was a step too far. I hung up the phone and walked away.

I still am reeling from the week. I will be doing a lot of DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), over the next few days. It is hard to get your mind changed, so that your body can stop reacting. I have been programmed to be concerned about others, and to throw away anything I feel or think. I grew up in a household where I was enforced over and over, that my opinion and thoughts were not valid. I was told I was too emotional, and to not let anyone, most especially my daddy, how I feel about anything. I just need to keep it to myself, and make sure that I did everything that was ever asked of me with no question. Standing up for myself has not really been an option. I have had enough of being blamed for the thoughts and feelings of others. This includes my estranged adult daughter. I honestly feel like I have been blamed, belittled, misunderstood, put down, unimportant, degraded, abandoned and betrayed.

Everytime situations like these occur, it takes a toll on my mentally, emotionally and physically. The seizures that I have are called, "Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures." They are terrible. I start shaking, and it becomes larger and larger, until my whole body is convulsing and I cannot control it. It can take a while to stop. Panic and Anxiety causes me to have balance issues, it killed my left inner ear. I have trouble just walking through a grocery store/Walmart/Target. I get dizzy and nauseated while walking down the aisle. I get overstimulated, and all the light and reflection from the floor triggers the dizziness. Rainy days trigger the dizzy and nausea. Anxiety is destructive. I am doing all that I can to prevent it. That is the reason I have had to draw a line, and say, "I will walk off from situations and people who cause me to feel high anxiety and panic, and trigger seizures. It is these situations that have contributed to my need for a service dog. I fall frequently, due to this condition. I have broken my leg falling, due to this condition. A person triggering that type of reaction is not worth my mental, emotional, and physical health. Just writing about this is bringing up anxiety. Although, it is cathartic. I am writing it out...I am saying it out loud.

At this point in my life, I do not have room for people who want to place their rules, regulations, and discriminatory behavior in my direction. Live that out on your side of the line. If you have a problem with me, or something I have done, be kind, and approach the subject desiring to have a two way, adult conversation, and be willing to come to an agreement that works for both parties. Do not talk to me as though I am a child.

When our adult daughter decided to choose estrangement, it was heartbreaking. I have said that before. I cannot emphasize it enough. Heartbreak can kill a person. It is true, you can actually die from heartbreak. I am still heartbroken. Nelson is heartbroken. Our life has changed forever, and we know it will never change back. At this point, it has broken our family. What was five, is now four. There is a hole. I cannot allow anyone else to push me into another hole. I chose myself for once. I am good with that choice, and I am proud of myself for standing up for my own beliefs, rather than being pushed to compromising for the comfort of someone else.

It has been a hard week. I have made hard choices. I still feel tons of anxiety. I am working on that part daily. I know I will be ok. I look forward to the days ahead, because I know I will become stronger as a result.

Please remember you are love and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to hear your story.

#estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #standupforyourself #healthyboundaries #mentalhealth #servicedog #stopdiscrimination #complexptsd #panic/anxietydisorder