More Than Survive

For so long, Nelson and I lived in survival mode. We did not nurture ourselves at all. We were just trying to keep our heads above water. We have survived many things. Do not misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with being a survivor. I am a survivor of childhood abuse, molestation, adulthood abuse, the death of a child, the estrangement of an adult child, severe financial hardships, and the list goes on. I am very proud of myself for being a survivor. Being a survivor, comes with a large cost on my mental and emotional wellbeing. That is why I am realizing that nurturing myself is not only healing, it is necessary. Nelson and I do not just want to survive. We want to thrive!!!!!!

Last week, was NOT fun at all! Cutting off someone I dearly love is very difficult. She has her boundary that she did not cross. I have mine. Unfortunately, our boundaries clashed. Sometimes that happens. It is hard when it does. Very hard. I pray that God helps me get better at drawing that line for myself. I pray that Nelson gets better at drawing that line for himself. It is imperative for our relationship and our individual health that we become people who will guard our hearts, as it says in the scripture. People are flawed. I am coming to see that more and more as I get older. In fact, as I write this, I can hear the Holy Spirit teaching me lessons in the words that I am writing. I do not think any of this is actually coming from me at all. I am learning, as I write this, that my personal boundaries do not just extend to what I will and will not tolerate with others. It is also covering what I will and will not tolerate from myself. Behaviors that I will not tolerate. Decisions that I will not tolerate. Desires that I will not tolerate. All of these things are very personal. Wow! Just Wow! Drawing a line with myself is necessary! Honestly, I have never thought about it in that manner. I am sure some of you, that are reading this, have thought about it. I am sure that you are surprised that I have not! That is what happens with people that have had a lifetime of abuse. We are conditioned to think in a very different way.

Growing up, I was taught that I must take care of everyone around me. I must always show up when they call. Living with crisis was normal. There was always a crisis. There was always a fire that needed to be put out. I had to show up and deal with it. If not, I was on the receiving end of a lot of backlash. If I said anything, I was told that I was in the wrong, don't share my thoughts, my thoughts are stupid, and unwanted. I was never allowed to share my emotions. Especially hurt and anger. I could be angry, I just couldn't let anyone know. That is what I was told. I was conditioned and ultimately brainwashed. It has taken me a long time to figure out who I am, and what I want, and who I want to become in this world. I still struggle with that part. That is why, not realizing that I need boundaries for myself, as well as, boundaries I will not cross for others. Now that I am thinking more about it, boundaries for myself comes in the form of self-control and discipline. Hmmmm. There is a thought on which I need to meditate. Again, I am sure that you, the reader, think, "Crystal, aren't all these things obvious?" NOPE! Not for someone with Complex PTSD, and a lifetime abuse survivor.

Once I was 18, and off to college, I was basically on my own to figure life out. My parents would not really advise me on anything. Eighteen is awfully young to be on your own to figure it out. I put myself through college. I worked full time and went to school full time. I paid for everything. Having good, healthy relationships was foreign to me. It never crossed my mind. My parents were married very young. My brother was married very young. I was criticized because I had dated a lot of different guys. It was considered poor behavior. I had been expected to meet my spouse in High School, the way my family had done, and get married. That was not my path. I felt mixed up and lost. I felt lonely. I kept looking for someone to guide and help me. I did not have a life mentor. I needed a strong, christian woman in my life to advise and help me. I just floundered. I tried to keep up a good facade. I don't think it worked.

I am sure that some of this junk contributed to our estrangement with our adult daughter. If I am hard on myself, I probably would have wanted to get away from me too. I am very blessed that Nelson has faithfully stuck by my side for almost 25 years of marriage. I am learning to stop being hard on myself. I am learning to be good and kind to me. I am learning to be forgiving to me. I like me. I am a kind, talented, intelligent person. I am giving myself permission to be flawed and love myself. While I would love for this estrangement to have never happened, it did. I am getting past the pain of it, and facing the flaws in myself, and learning to not just survive it. I am gaining ground, an inch at a time, and beginning to thrive. Nelson is growing in that direction too. I can see him growing as a person, and not keeping stuck on the Merry-Go-Round of doing things the same 'ol way. He is growing his own health insurance business, and even though it is taking time, each week it is growing. He is committed to its growth and success. If our estranged adult daughter ever decides to return, I believe she is going to find very different parents than she had when she left. That is probably going to be awkward for her, to find that we are miles away from when she decided to cut us off. That will be interesting, if it ever happens.

Well, this is a very deep start for the week. Who knew? God did! God is always working for our good. Growth is always painful, thus the name, "growing pains." I am going to make sure that this week, I more than survive!

Remind yourself that you are loved and enough. Comment below, we want to hear your story!

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