Today Is A Special Day
- Crystal McDaniel
- Mar 26
- 3 min read
30 years ago, today, I gave birth to my twin daughters. All of my pregnancies were very difficult. My first child, my son, died. He was stillborn. It was horrific. I watched his last heartbeat on sonogram. My oldest son, after 2 months of going in and out of ICU, and 7 different medications, was born prematurely. He is now 31 years old, happily married, and doing well. My twin girls, after 3 months of going in and out of ICU and 13 different medications, were born prematurely, and as of today, are celebrating year 30. It was a long, difficult road to get my children here alive. I am grateful and blessed every single day. Today is a very special day for me, as I know it is for my daughters.
31 years, I have been a mother. You would think I would know more than I do. My adult children have been learning and growing as human beings during that time as well. I have only been a mother, as long as they have been alive. When I think about it that way, the experience they have had living, is the same learning time period as I have had being a mother. We have been learning and growing together. Yet, it feels as though I am expected to know more, and have more ability to understand everyone's needs. As long as they were babies, is as long as I was a mother too with babies, then toddlers, then preschoolers, then elementary schoolers, then middle schoolers, then high schoolers, then college kids, and now adults. Every stage in their lives, was a stage for me as well. I was learning to be a mother during that time period, under those particular circumstances, and so was my husband. No one can really teach you those skills, you have to do your research, know your children, and do your very best to guide them, and be their for them, and learn from your mistakes. When my children were born, everything I thought I had worked out in theory, I had to test in real life. Some of my theories worked out, some did not. No child is born into a household with parents who already have all the wisdom and knowledge they need to be a parent. We grow as they grow.
Today, as I ponder all of these things, I think about this particular birthday for my twin adult daughters. Life has changed so much since this estrangement began. I used to get a cake, and we would call both of the girls, and sing, "Happy Birthday," one at a time. We would light two different sets of candles, so they could both have their own candles, and their own song. Now, I do it only for one of them. I only purchase one gift, and I sing, "Happy Birthday," one time. What would have been a bigger birthday celebration, is not. Year 30 is a big birthday year. It is coming a going, fairly quietly. I am simply spending some time, reminiscing. I know I will never get this time back. I will never get back the ability to celebrate the 30th birthday of my estranged adult daughter. Just like leaves on water, I am watching it flow right on by me. I have to radically accept that fact. I pray that she is happy and good with it as well. Special days, for me, have been demoted to just another, common day.
The sun is out, the sky is blue, it is a beautiful day. I pray she is blessed with the same weather. I pray she celebrates in a way that makes her feel special and happy. I pray that she is doing well. I pray for her to prosper. I am her mother. I only want the best that life can offer her, even though, I feel as though I am not part of being one of the best things in life for her. Accepting that part is hard, and painful.
So...Happy Birthday my beautiful, estranged daughter. I am holding back tears, from the pain of wanting to be able to say that to you over the phone, via text, email, FaceTime, whatever mode of communication you would choose. I am hurting because I cannot. No matter what, I am still happy you are my daughter, the pain I feel let's me know I still love you, no matter what the situation.
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