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I have been in Italy a little over a week. This is day 9 to be exact. I apologize for the daily blog, not being so daily, while I have been here. There has been much going on. My daily schedule is fairly hectic. It is filled with rehearsals, lessons, coachings, classes, and performances. Tonight we have dress rehearsal for our 3rd performance. Time has flown by, I have enjoyed my time here and will hate leaving when Sunday the 7th comes. I have loved every moment. Today, I am learning about letting go. I have had a dual going on with tension in my singing the entire time I have been here. Unlike popular belief, just because you can sing, doesn't mean it just pops out of you and you know how, anymore than a fast runner without training will end up at the olympics. It takes training to be great. The body, soul, and mind have to work together to accomplish great singing. Here in Italy, I am in the middle of some of the best singers in the world. We all have something unique to give. Tension is not good for a singer. If there is tension, you must listen to the tension and let it tell you the story and guide you to let go. Today, I was in my coaching and I broke down into tears, real heartbroken tears. The reason? I bet you can guess, in three words, my estranged daughter. I finally admitted the situation out loud to people outside of my home. I have not wanted to admit it. There is too much shame and embarrassment involved. However, I think it is a part of letting go. I am human and I make mistakes. I am sure Rachel felt unlistened to and felt that my grip was too tight. That is something that I never meant to do. I cried and called her my baby girl. It was pointed out to me that she is no longer my baby girl, that she is full grown adult and I need to make sure that my vocabulary and my mind accept those terms. I know that is right. I have to ask myself if it is possible that I thought I was letting go of her and letting her grow up and be the adult that she has become, and I really wasn't in the "doing," of that action? Is it possible that I do not trust myself, and the job I did as a parent? Trust has always been a problem for me. I have been trampled on by so many people. Now, in this moment, I feel that I need to let all of that go, like a balloon that just floats away. By not trusting myself, and giving others a chance, I am just holding on tightly to past trauma experiences. I had rather be in the now. Even if the now has some pain to it. Today, right now, I feel pain. I also feel joy. The people here performing with me, are kind people. They are my kind of people. I would stay here in this atmosphere forever if I could. This is definitely the culture in which I want to live. The kindness and generosity of this group is incredible. It is real and tangible. So it is wonderful to be surrounded by so much support when I am facing such a painful separation from my daughter. I will be singing, "Walking After Midnight," as performed by Patsy Cline, in tomorrow night's concert. I am a concert artist. I am learning to let go, and realize that I am not responsible for everything. The ball is in Rachel's court. The game is not over. The score is Love v/s Love. Love gives space, and love trusts. I am reminding myself of that at every moment. As a concert artist, I can no longer tense up and try to make things happen. Life flows at its own pace and in its own time. Here's to me, letting go and not being tense about anything. Here is to loving and embracing where I am today, now, with all the pain and all the joy. #singinginitaly #estrangment #estrangementandlettinggo

The biggest question I have to ask myself is, "What do I want?" Of coarse, I want my estranged daughter to speak to me again. I also want to have a life that I love and that I feel good about. As a mother, there is a trifecta of identities that I deal with in my life. I am a wife, I am a mother, and I am just me. It is terribly hard to separate those identities. I think that becomes doubly so when you are a woman in the south part of the United States. No matter how progressive we have gotten, we have be taught to be polite, smile, get married, be a good wife and have children. Once you have children you are supposed to have a job and be a good mother. After a while, I forgot who I am, and I question if I ever knew. I did what I was told. Honestly, now that I can see my life more clearly, I believe it was just plain brainwashing. I never really had my own identity, other than singing. That is what I am working on now, in Italy, answering the question, "What do I want?" I am challenging myself over the next two weeks to put some serious time into thinking about it and deciding what I want. I am digging into the question. It is a serious question, a defining moment. I am working on me. This sounds very selfish. Honestly, yes, it is selfish. I have spent a lifetime doing things just to please other people, and it affected my nervous system in a negative way. I have to choose me. I am working on my recovery and listening to God. I started out in my work today, being a bit timid. I think I am going to dive deeper tomorrow. Challenging myself is what I need to do. I need to find the voice within me. When Rachel cut off communication, I felt as though she cut a part of my heart out and took it with her. I am still just trying to breathe through it all. There are days I feel are more solid than others. I think a part of her reasoning was to establish herself and know that she can function on her own. Do I think she could have spoken to me and discussed her feelings? Yes!! I believe this whole thing would have been better served if we had been able to sit down and have an honest conversation. Since that is not how this happened, I can only deal with my side of the problem. Do I believe it will all work out for the best and for the good of our family? Yes, I really do. It is just hard work to figure it all out. It takes strength and stamina. I pray God walks me through this difficult journey every single day. I can't make her talk to me. I can't make her call. I can't snap my fingers and all of this is fixed. What i can do is work on me, improve me, and figure out me. Those are things I can control. That is what I want for now. I want to keep improving me. Anything else just keeps me frozen. I have had enough of frozen. I want to keep moving forward, even if it is only an inch at a time. I keep doing what I am doing, until God tells me to do something else. It is what I want to do and what I must do. The best thing I do for myself is to write this blog. it helps me to make sense of things and get clarity. I am grateful. #whatdoIwantduringestrangement #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

I want to explain the difference between quiet and silence. There is a BIG difference. I do not experience silence as a positive, unless it is for stage and music. Silence is the absence of sound, it is heavy and prevents expression. Silence is empty. I experienced silence when my son, Jackson, died. There was nothing. I am not a fan of silence. Quiet is very different. It is the absence of noise and uproar. Quiet is stillness and tranquility. Quiet is not disturbed by disruption. Quiet associates itself with peace and freedom. Quiet is free from drama and emotional turmoil. These things are the differences between these two words. I do not care for silence. In 1993, my son died, and there was nothing left except silence. Silence came and there was nothing. No joy, just heartache and deep cries of loss. I did not know I could make those sounds. They almost seem inhuman when I think back on it. A part of me died with him. When we buried him, I wanted to crawl under the dirt with him. That is the heart of a mother. The soul wrenching inescapable pain of loss. A part of my body was buried. It was almost impossible for me to tear myself away from his grave. I collapsed walking away, and my father picked me up and put me in the car. It was too much for me to comprehend, leaving him there and going home. To this day it rattles me to the core. What I experience being estranged from my daughter is just like that time in my life. I didn't think I would ever revisit these feelings of loss and pain. Here I am feeling them again. It is not fun. Hearing her voice on the way to the airport was a great blessing to me. It also stirred up the pain in my heart. The longing to talk to her and hear her laugh. Silence is terrible. I am sitting in the lobby of my hotel. I see parents with their children. They are smiling and talking. It is wonderful to see their interaction. It is also very painful. I am thankful of my quiet little table in the corner to myself. The giggling of the teenage girls near me makes me smile. I am praying that I will hear that again one day. The laughter of my twin daughters, Rachel and Rosemary. Until then, I pray for strength from and God and lean on His mercy and kindness. Tomorrow I will leave for my destination in Italy. The next 2 weeks I will be surrounding by sound and music and beauty. I will have quiet and stillness. That is what music brings to me. I will focus and learned and grow in a beautiful atmosphere. I am looking forward to that type of quietness. There will be no silence. Just beauty and people that love music as much as I do. I am praying that I will not give any attention to Rachel's silence. I am praying that for a few days, I will forget I am a mother, and just be me, Crystal, the singer. There is nothing in estrangement. NOTHING. I grow and get stronger and change, my heart becomes more tender. I love more. All of this may be something. It is good for me to get better, I understand that, I just wish someone would tell it to my heart. I had 3 live children. Now, I have 2. At least 2 that want to be involved with me. I just know that I will never be able to get this time back. Today, it seems like wasted months for nothing. Wasted time for nothing. Ok, now back to Italy...and singing. #silenceandestrangement #estrangementfromadultchild #estrangement #estrangementandamothersheart

I am sitting in the airport in Munich, Germany right now, waiting for my flight to Milan. I have prepared and prepared. I brought everything I need with me. It is a bit difficult for my short little frame to navigate the luggage. I'm tough, I can do it! On my way to the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina to catch my flight, we stopped at my mother-in-law's house to pick up one last thing. I had left an important toiletry bag there on a previous trip. Nelson and I didn't have much time, so we packed my bag in the luggage. While we were in that process, Harriett's phone rang. She looked at me with wide eyes, she said, "It's Rachel, do you want me to tell her that you are here?" I said, "No." She answered and began her conversation with my estranged daughter. I could hear my daughter's voice over the phone. I sighed. It was the first time I had heard her voice since this past Christmas. Evidently her car had broken down and she was waiting for AAA to come. She called her grandmother to chat while she waited. While I am glad she checks in with her grandmother, I can't help myself in that moment. I felt sad. I had been so excited and peaceful. At that moment, I felt sad. Harriett hugged me while she talked with Rachel, something I greatly appreciated. Harriett made an excuse to quickly get off the phone and told Rachel she would call her right back. We said our goodbyes and Nelson and I left. On our way to Charlotte, N.C., Nelson seemed a bit down. I asked him, "Honey, are you ok?" He said, "I'm just sad, in the past Rachel would have called me for that kind of thing." I squeezed his hand. In my mind I searched for something to lightened the mood again, and get my brain going in the right direction. On of my favorite Bible verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I thanked God out loud for the fact that I got to hear Rachel's voice, even if it was across the room over someone else's phone. The struggle is real, and it can hit you from any direction at any time. My heart will always pull in the direction of my children. I am so thankful that God knows what I feel like, and is walking me through this difficult situation. I still have my focus on the work I am about to do in Italy. It hasn't distracted me from that path. I think this trip is the best decision I have made in a while. I will be doing something that I love and I am getting away from all the things that remind me of being a mother. Sometimes you just have to take that kind of time for yourself. Before I was a mother, I was an independent individual. I sang, I laughed, I had likes and dislikes. There was no thought of needing to do anything for anyone else. I can tell you that I am sorely overdue for time like that for myself. Reuniting with me is a good thing. In this moment, however, my heart wants to call her number and have her pick up so that I can tell her about his adventure I am one. She and I loved to have adventures together. That has come to a sudden and immediate halt. Tears stream down my face as I am writing this sitting in the Luftansa Lounge in Munich. An ocean divides us literally. I need to close out for now. I have to get ready for my connecting flight to Milan. When next I write, I will be writing from Italy. Please do not wish me luck. Say, "Toi, Toi, Toi!" You can also say, "Break-A-Leg," if you wish. #estrangedineurope #estrangedinmunich #estranged #estrangedfrommyadultchild

I love to travel. I love to explore new places and see new things. I made the decision that is it time to see and do something new. I went through years of feeling devalued and unappreciated. Now, I understand that first I have to value and appreciate myself. I am doing something really great for myself. Today, I spent all day finishing the last bit of preparations for my trip to Italy to sing. I have traveled to a lot of different places to sing, Italy has never been one of those places. Now it will be on my list of places I have performed. I am very excited about going. It is through this experience of estrangement from my adult child that I have moved to a place of doing something good for myself. The thing about estrangement is this: the main problem is me. In writing this blog, I want to be very clear. This is what Nelson and I have learned. "But Crystal, my child just accused me of a bunch of things and then cut-off all communication. It was unreasonable! I am having a hard time understanding that I am the problem! Doesn't my child have to take responsibility too? Does my child just get a free pass, especially after all I have done for him/her?" I hear you and I get it. Believe me, I get it. The fact is I can do absolutely NOTHING, about what my adult child takes responsibility for or doesn't take responsibility for, that is not something I can control. I do not believe that I am giving my adult child a free pass. I just choose to work on myself, and so does my husband. I can only control myself. I choose to be happy. I choose to do things that I love. I choose to pursue peace and joy. I choose generosity and I choose to love and help others. In a relationship, there are two people and both people are responsible for any problems and conflict that exist between the two of them. I have taken a look in the mirror and realized that I have tons of issues that I need to work on to become more of who God created me to be. That has nothing to do with my adult child. However, it does have an affect on our relationship. If I choose healthier behaviors, then anyone around me will benefit. This work has brought me to the realization that life is short and I want to continue to sing as long as I can. So...I am flying to Italy. Everyone has issues. Estrangement happens when family members are too entrenched in each others lives. It can become an encroachment to the adult child's ability to become autonomous. My job as a parent is to encourage and support my children to grow and become functioning adults and feel confident about making adult decisions, and can thrive in the world independent of the parents. Many adult children feel that their parents do not want them to grow up and leave. They feel smothered. They choose to leave and cut-off communication in order to exercise their independence and help themselves build confidence in their life and in their choices. The silence and distance is excruciating to the parents. It has been true anguish for me. For several months I could not think and had trouble functioning. I was very depressed. I have to admit, I was depressed for years before that. I just kept myself busy and did not want to deal with the depression. Now, I look at this whole estrangement situation with my daughter, and I am less concerned about her cutting me off and not communicating with me, and I am more focused on my life, my faith, my work, my singing, my loving, my generosity, and my walking out my faith in God. Does my heart hurt anymore, YES, every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. To know me, is to know how very much I love my children. I am just more and more comfortable with me and with making healthy choices for myself, and this leads me to be more productive and better equipped to accomplish my purpose. Rachel, has to do that for herself. For now, I trust God to watch over her, just as I trust Him to watch over my other two adult children. Since I trust God with them, that frees me up to enjoy the fact that I will be flying to sing in Italy tomorrow! I am starting to feel good again. I am seeing a bright light in front of me and I am following that light. I would encourage anyone that is estranged from their adult child to go on a journey of self-discovery and find a great therapist to help. Blaming your child and victimizing yourself is not going to make the situation better. Improving yourself and becoming healthier in mind, body, and spirit does help you. I still want to scream and cry. Nothing would have made me happier than to have Rachel go on this trip with me. I miss her terribly. Not being able to make memories with her makes me very sad. Not having any idea what she is doing makes me very sad. I pray that this will change one day soon. Until then, I choose not to make myself miserable anymore. I choose to take the healthier path and do good things with or without her. I will have eternity with her in heaven. I cling to that hope, and move forward. What better way to move forward than in Italy! I am finding my groove with no apologies. #italyandestrangement #movingforward #healthymindset #estrangment #estrangmentwithadultchild #findingmygroove

Our son, Jacob, is getting married soon. He and his fiance' have not set a date yet. It is rapidly getting to the time where they will. Jacob and his sisters are very close. The girls are twins, and the three of them are 13 months apart. They have always been more like triplets. Since they are a single child and twins, I have always called them twingles. They love each other very much. I know that Jacob will want his sisters to stand with him. I am the Groom's mother. I had a talk with him about the fact that if his sister, Rachel, is not talking to us at that point it is going to make for an awkward situation at his wedding. He replied, "I trust you both. You both love me and want that day to be joy-filled for me. I know that you both will do all in your power to make that happen." He is correct. I will do all in my power to make that a wonderful day for Jacob. It is hard to figure out how to be in the same room with your adult child who doesn't want to speak to you or be around you. I would love to pull her aside and ask, "What is your problem with me? Can't we just talk this out?" I realize that my reacting in that way is just going to cause a drama and steal from Jacob's joy. Admittedly, I haven't quite figured this one out yet. One idea I have is to remind myself that I need to treat my daughter as though she is a guest that I am thrilled came for Jacob. Someone that Jacob is very close to, (which is all true and I wouldn't be faking), and I am not. I can be cordial and polite and welcoming, as I would for a stranger, and then let Jacob and his sister Rosemary deal with it. I don't want to avoid Rachel, I just don't to make myself miserable. Another idea I have is to be the perfect hostess and put on a smile and act like nothing's wrong and that everything is still the way it should be. I hate faking things. I am not good with dishonesty. It usually puts me in a very bad mood when I can't be myself. I don't think I will use this particular tactic. My third idea is to keep myself distracted with wedding plans and making sure that everything is going smoothly. I can busy myself with errands and decorations and food. I can allow myself to stay out of the room due to wedding duties. This is probably my best option, as it helps me to serve Jacob and Sage, and keeps me focused on their happy day. No matter what I choose, family events are awkward, during estrangement. I know that Nelson and I will have to keep reminding ourselves that it is not about us and that we need to focus on Jacob, his fiance' Sage, and their happy day. It is about them, and not about us. I do not want to cause him one moment of pain. When I choose to focus on someone else, rather than on myself and my own feelings of powerlessness and insecurity, it always works out better for me. I am writing about this right now, because I am working on making decisions ahead of time. I am giving myself a boundary to work within. One of the things that happens frequently is the great misuse of boundaries in our culture today. "According to Brené Brown, setting boundaries means prioritizing your needs and practicing self-care without feeling guilty." When I decide to set boundaries for myself at Jacob's wedding, the boundaries are for me and my needs and the boundaries need to represent my values and decision-making on what is healthy for me. They are a guideline for me to follow and if I communicate them clearly, they will be respected. I am making decisions for my behavior, not for the behavior of others. I am working on a plan for myself. I have no control over what anyone else will do, or how they will behave. If being in close proximity of my estranged daughter causes me to tear up, I can excuse myself and go to the bathroom to practice my DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), by choosing to breathe, and using a coping thought and action. No one needs to know I am about to cry, or that I am having a moment of anxiety. A feeling is just a feeling and if I give it a moment, it will go away, and I can come back out and smile and enjoy my son's special day. The point of the day is to make a beautiful memory. That is exactly what I want. I am in charge of my own happiness. I am thrilled for Jacob. He has found someone he loves and who loves him in return. It is a true blessing to see his happiness and the happiness of Sage. Because I love my son, and my daughters, I chose to make the decision to put in whatever effort I need to in order to love them unconditionally. Putting my personal feelings of awkwardness aside is something I must do for myself and for them. I want to live with beautiful memories of a wonderful day in the life of my son. I also love my estranged daughter. Any poor reaction on my part only pushes her further away. By writing about this, I am making the decision to continue to practice my DBT skills and allow my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to change for the better. None of what I just said stops the situation from being awkward. It does give me a plan that I can execute to make everything manageable for myself. Honestly, this plan makes me feel good. I think I will stick with it! #familyeventsduringestrangement. #awkwardfamilies #boundariesandestrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #estrangement

Right up front, I am going to let you know that I struggle with the subject of maintaining happiness and stability when my adult child has cut off communication. My husband and I are going into our 9th month of estrangement from our daughter. I know there are many out there that have had years of estrangement from their adult child or children. That makes my heart hurt. I feel great empathy for others who are going through this distance that we have with Rachel. I would not wish this on anyone. It is agony. Which is why I struggle with maintaining happiness and stability. Tears are always right at the surface. My nerves are shredded. Yet, I am finding that it is becoming easier to allow myself to be happy regardless. As a mother, like other mothers, I have tied my happiness with the happiness of my children. I want to see them succeed and if they are struggling, my first instinct is to help. I am the first to admit that I want to save my children from the same struggle that I had. Growing up, I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. We did not have much money, and my mother was the main money maker in the family. I started working at age 12 and I haven't stopped since. I did not spoil my children and they didn't always get what they wanted. I did work to make sure they had what they needed. I had to work and work and work. I put myself through college and had to work full-time. Financial distractions kept me from doing all that I wanted and dreamed of doing. I didn't want my children to have that struggle. I have helped when and where I can help. I am pretty sure that is where I failed with Rachel. I helped too much. It backfired. I invested too much of my own identity into my children and their happiness. That is where I lost myself. I believe that happens to a lot of mothers. Somewhere between, working, being a wife, and having children, I forgot that I am a person too. I began to resent it, then eventually, I became resigned to it. One day I woke up and have what I thought what going to be a helpful conversation with my daughter and it turned into an estrangement. Really!?!? Is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Where am I? Who am I, if I am not the mother of 3? How do I even explain this to anyone? Where did "I" go? I asked myself, if I could go back to 21 or 22, knowing what I know now, what changes would I make and what would I do? I decided that whatever the answer to that question was, I would take that path. That is exactly what I am doing. The thing that is different is that I am armed with a lot of information. I am a singer. A really great singer. I want to learn all the languages I can, it will help me as a singer. I am traveling to Italy this Thursday to perform and work on my singing. I haven't allowed myself to invest in myself ever. I have the freedom and the time now. My children are grown. I am here to help them if they need it, however, my parenting years are now over. That is something that no one explained to me. Once they grow up and leave for college, or have a job and can support themselves, I am no longer responsible for them. They are responsible for themselves. I can stop now and just enjoy them as adults and I can enjoy my own life. Whether my estranged adult child EVER communicates with me again, I can move on and be happy. Just like when my son died 31 years ago, a day came that I laughed again. When something really funny happened, I laughed hard. It felt good. I felt life coming back into me: life and hope. Today was very busy. I had to do more last minute preparations for my trip out of the country. I had students to teach, make-up lessons to schedule, and practicing to do. All of these things bring stability back into my life. I feel like I am beginning to breathe again. I want to do good things for myself again. I am ready to have fun, meet new people, and see new things that I have dreamed of seeing and doing. It is good. God is good. It is another day that I am moving forward. I checked in with my daughter, Rosemary. We didn't get to speak. Our paths did not cross today. She is very busy working with her touring company on their summer productions. It is ok. It used to hurt my feelings if I didn't get to talk with her, and she didn't take time for me. I realize that is unhealthy behavior and thinking. I used to think, "I am her mother, if I call she needs to answer!" Now, I think, "She is busy and I am so proud of her." I moved on and kept working. My identity is found in God and myself, not in my children. They have to find their own path. My happiness is up to me. My stability is up to me. I am responsible for those things. The closer I get to God, the more I find myself able to see my life and who I am as an independent person that is capable and able. I am no longer lost, I am found. How did I find happiness and stability? By letting go of what was not mine to begin with. It all belongs to God. In the Fall, Nelson and I are planning to take Ballroom Dance lessons. We have always enjoyed dancing together. We are working on our relationship and our communication. We never really had the chance to date. I had children already. The time has come. I think the best things I have done through all of this situation is to take deep dives into myself and work on my relationship with God and my husband. In my prayer time everyday, I ask God to guide me, grant me wisdom, and heal me. Heal my mind, heal my heart, heal my spirit. I pray to God he rescues me from all darkness and leads me into the light. I can feel the deep depression I have been living in, leaving. Don't be deceived, it isn't just suddenly gone. I have to make a decision every single day to walk in the light. I have to plan how I am going to walk in the light. Then...I make the decision to walk in the light. Lastly, I take action and walk in the light. Evaluation, Set-An-Intention, Take Action. I talked about this a few days ago. This is what I do. As a result, I can see the depression fog clearing. The thing is, I have realized that I have to do this every single day, just like a drug addict or alcoholic makes a decision everyday to not take drugs and drink. I have to make the decision to live this way every single day. I have to work my program every single day. That is what is making the difference. I am proud of myself for making the decision to go work in Italy. It is only me. I am going alone, well, not exactly alone, God is going too. I am doing the work. I am investing in me. God will help me. He is showing me the way. I am getting out of my comfort zone and seeing if I can walk on water with Jesus. My eyes are firming set on Him. No matter what, everyday I think of my adult children, Jacob, Rachel and Rosemary. My three amazing gifts from God. I am just learning that they have to put their eyes on Jesus too. My staring at them is just a distraction from my eyes being on where my eyes need to be, on Jesus. My best idea for myself is to not let any distraction to keep me from my purpose. That is my plan, and I am happier and more stable for it. #estrangement #happinessduringestrangement #stabilityduringestrangement

Today is Father's Day. Special occasions days are a big challenge during our estrangement from our adult child. Each one that approaches has a bit of dread attached to it. My birthday and Mother's Day has already passed. They were extremely difficult. I cried. Going to church was really an anxiety inducing situation, because so many people said, "Happy Mother's Day." None of them knows what is going on with our daughter. They did not know how hard it was for me to hear those words, knowing that it was not a happy day for me. That day was very sad. I have three adult children, and only two of them are speaking to us. I felt like more of a failure than I can possibly describe. Father's Day is no different. Nelson handles things emotionally very different than I do. He wanted to enjoy the day, and the things I had planned for him and the children's daddy, Bob. Nelson and I went to church this morning with our son, Jacob, as we do every Sunday. I made reservations two months ago for a Father's Day Brunch. We had a wonderful time. Jacob and I had gifts prepared for both of them. It was very nice. Rosemary called and wished Nelson Happy Father's Day. No word from Rachel. Nothing...just silence. It is very hard to understand how an adult child can just choose to be so detached. I asked Nelson how he felt about it. He said that it was sad for him, however, he had chosen to have a wonderful day anyway, and be grateful for what he did have in his life. He was disappointed as well. He has been a father to the children since they were very small. It is hard to fathom. Bob didn't mention it, I'm sure he received a call. We are putting much into prayer, thought redirection, and the practice of gratitude. We have to focus on what we do have, and what we have been blessed with, and keep our focus on that. We have been blessed. We have one another, we have a wonderful son and a wonderful daughter. They are kind and supportive. We are blessed that we can sit at a table on Father's Day with my husband, and the children's father and have a peaceful, wonderful time together. Not every family is able to do that part. We work hard to give love and support to my ex-husband, the father of my children. We have found a way to remain friends, no matter what the situation. That is definitely a blessing. We are grateful for Rachel as well. Though very disappointed and sad in the fact that she did not reach out to Nelson today, we are still grateful for her presence in our lives. If it weren't for this estrangement, Nelson and I would probably not be working as hard to become healthier mentally and emotionally as individuals and as a couple. We have her to thank for putting us in the position to take a look at ourselves in the mirror. God always has a plan, and even though it is painful, we are waiting hopefully for the result of the work He is doing in us. I could say that I am angry at Rachel, at times I am. I have had all the average feelings that accompanies estrangement. Anger, rage, grief, mourning, sorrow, sadness, anguish, feelings of rejection, disrespect, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, frustration, feeling lost, powerless, out-of-control, anxious, discouraged, have all dominated large portions of our lives. On special days like today, I want to scream, "HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR A MAN THAT HAS ALWAYS LOVED YOU?" The fact is, we know from researching and listening to experts, saying anything like that will only cause a larger rift to grow. We pray and wait, and wait and pray. We forgive and let it go, over and over and over. We remind ourselves of how much we love Rachel and that loving her unconditionally and releasing all feelings of resentment and being offended, is the right thing to do. She needs our respect. Rachel has made a decision to be on her own without us in her life for now. As an adult, she has every right to make that decision for herself. We don't have to like her decision, we do have to respect it. Distance can give you clearer perspective. That is the gift it is giving us. . I have to say all of these things are decisions we have to take a pause to make. They do not come naturally. My gut reaction is to say, "Fine! Don't call me! I won't answer if you do!" In this situation, I cannot allow my gut reactions to lead. If I do, I have no hope of having a relationship with my daughter. Plus, it shows extreme immaturity on my part. It is my experience that age does not give you maturity and wisdom. I am no longer in Kindergarten and the idea of, "I'm gonna take my ball and bat and go home," does not come close to being appropriate in this situation. Nelson and I choose to pause, and give her the space and respect she needs right now. Believe me, I had much rather go straight to where she is and knock on the door and tell her I'm not leaving until she speaks to me! I have to check myself and remember this isn't all about me. Part of my job as a parent is to allow my adult children to have the space to make their own errors and pick themselves up and learn about adulthood. Don't you wish that "they" had given us a manual on adulthood? No one tells you after 18 and college, (if you choose to attend), that no one really knows what they are doing, and that we are all just making it up as we go? Surprise! You graduated, fly be free, please clean up all the blood, gore, and entrails that you leave in the area where you SPLAT on the ground as you plummet from the sky! Have Fun!!! Learn and grow!!! WHAT THE HECK!?! What have we learned through going through 7 special occasion days since this estrangement started? Plan ahead, think it through. There is no right or wrong. The plan is to make the occasions as peaceful and healthy mentally and emotionally as you can. They will never be the and understand that there still good times to be created and memories to make that you CAN cherish, with or without your estranged adult child. This is what we do. There is no other choice. Anything else is simply promoting our own suffering. I am in enough pain as it is, there is no need to add to it. #happyfathersday #estrangement #estrangementandholidays

I never thought I would find myself an estranged parent. I have said before that it wasn't something that ever entered my heart or mind. I mean, you give birth to your children, you stay up with them when they are sick, you love them so much. It really is like watching your heart walking around outside of your body. You lose sleep with the all night feedings. You take them to the doctor, the ball games, the music lessons, dance lessons, Boy Scouts. I made sure that they always spent time with their dad. We were divorced when they were little and we were completely committed to their weekends with their father. I look at the photo above, and I think to myself, "What went wrong?" Did I suddenly turn into a monster? Estrangement is heartbreaking. The beautiful baby girl I dreamed of and held, no longer wants to contact me, or spend time with me. Whatever is happening, I have to keep moving forward. This is the mindset I take every single day. Keep looking forward, keep growing and learning, be the best person you can be and don't look back. Love God, love your husband, love yourself, forgive yourself, serve others, be generous, and sing. For heaven's sake, Crystal, SING!!! Morning Routine My mornings have always been hard. I have my worst emotional issues in the morning. It has gotten better, however, pretty much all my life, I had severe anxiety in the mornings and I freeze. The worst time that I have in the mornings is when I have to wash my hair. Washing and drying my hair is a time when all I can do is think. I am beginning to flip all of that around. I have started getting up earlier, I have a cup of coffee that Nelson makes for me. I love how he makes my coffee. I do my prayer time and Bible Study and then I go for a walk. During my walk I usually listen to a book to help me improve my knowledge on the subject of estrangement. Then I come back home, feed the dogs, let them out, eat, and practice. My biggest challenge being estranged from my adult daughter is to not allow the separation to push me into self-sabotage. She is always on my mind and in my heart. I have cried oceans of tears and am grieving the loss. I have had to face the fact that I need to be my own person again. I have lost a child, and as life-altering as that was, I had to learn to move on and live. I miss him every single day, and look forward to seeing him again in heaven, I still cry from time to time. I moved forward then and I move forward now. The emotional impact of starting my day, and knowing I will go through another day without any contact with my adult child is distressing at best. I think about all three of my children every single day. I think that most mothers do think about their children daily. The hardest part is seeing the pictures around my house of her and the fun and precious memories I have of us as a family. The smiles and laughter, hugs and tears. Now there is silence. Workday Struggles Going through the workday is certainly a challenge. Being estranged from my adult child took away my confidence and for a while left me feeling rejected and useless. Her sister asked me one day,"Don't you want your daughter to be whole?" Of course, I do. My question is, "Why does it have to be at the expense of my heart?" What I have come to understand is that I am the parent. No matter what, I am the parent. As a parent there are sacrifices that I am required to make, even if that is at the expense of my heart. I have to trust that God has a way of healing my heart and helping her heart at the same time. I had no motivation to work at first. I just wanted the pain to stop. However, since I am self-employed, if I don't work, I don't get paid. Not working is not an option. It has been very helpful to me to work, it puts my mind on something else and has helped to build my confidence again. I love my students and helping them is very cathartic for me. I can help others and watch them succeed through my work, which is fulfilling. In my office, I surround myself with photos of my successful students and fun performances we have had. That helps to cheer my heart and remind me I am not a failure, and that I am loved and appreciated. I no longer share that with Rachel. It is mine and owned completely by me and the work God puts in front of me. Does my heart ache during the workday? Yes, absolutely. Especially when I think of times that Rachel would help me in the studio. I redirect my thinking during those times and remind myself that I am good and that I am not alone. Coping Strategies I use several coping strategies that help me tremendously to deal with being estranged from my adult child. Each one of these I find to be essential to my recovery and finding joy again. Prayer Time and Bible Study. This is the time I can connect with God for peace and healing. I journal my prayers. I find journaling to be a very healing form of expression. I hold nothing back. God can handle anything we have to say. I tell him everything and do not filter anything. 2. I go to weekly therapy Therapy with a qualified therapist is necessary if you want to heal. Also, if you have any hope to reconcile with your adult child, then therapy is an absolute. Most likely you need a Trauma Therapist. According to most information in the research I have done, estrangements are usually connected to trauma the adult child experienced as a result of their parent's unresolved childhood trauma, or trauma of some sort. Be aware that there is a difference between Trauma Therapist and a Trauma Informed Therapist. Make sure that you find a Trauma Therapist. Regardless of whether you have suffered from trauma in your past or not, you have now because it is traumatic to be estranged from your child. 3. Use R.E.S.T This anagram I learned from doing my own therapy. I do a therapy called DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). In practicing this very intense therapy, I have learned to use this technique. The R means relax...Take 15 minutes to stop and just breathe. In through the nose for a count of 5 and out through the mouth for a count of 5. Next is E...evaluate. Evaluate whether you are in danger or not. Danger means, imminent danger. If the answer is NO, then move on to Set An Intention...Choose something that you like and will help to soothe your nerves and negative feelings and thoughts. Then, Take Action. Stop what you are doing that triggered your emotional reaction and take action to do the intention that you set for yourself. I use every single one of the tools mentioned and I have seen a great change in how I handle my life and feelings on a day to day basis. I encourage you to gather tools that help and use them. Evening Reflection I love to journal. Journaling truly helps me, especially at night. I journal so much that it has turned into this blog. I think it is important before you go to bed to journal about your day and the happenings within that day. Be vulnerable as you write. Don't filter. It will help you track your progress, as well as, give you a way to vent and get things off your mind before bed. That is what I have for today. Through the anguish I am feeling, I am finding a way through. I am looking forward to going to Italy and singing again on a stage and being surrounded by other artists, learning and growing. Doing healthy things for myself. I pray for my children every single day. That is the best thing I can do for them. Please know that I do the same for you.

In times of estrangement or emotional turmoil, finding solace and healing through creative expression can be a transformative experience. Whether it's through art, writing, music, or any other form of creative outlet, the act of expressing oneself can lead to catharsis, self-discovery, and ultimately, healing. I want to describe how engaging in creative activities can be a therapeutic process that nurtures the soul and promotes emotional well-being. Embracing Healing Through Artistic Expression When words fail us and emotions run deep, turning to creative expression can provide an outlet for my innermost thoughts and feelings. Art has the power to transcend language barriers and speak directly to the heart, offering a unique way to process complex emotions and experiences. My outlet is singing, writing, and playing my flute. Through these forms of artistic expression, I can express myself in ways that other forms of communication do not allow. Nelson and I believe it is very important to explore the most creative side of ourselves. It is a much healthier way to deal with our emotions instead of exploding or imploding. The Healing Journey of Writing Writing has long been recognized as a therapeutic tool for exploring one's emotions and experiences. Whether through poetry, journaling, or storytelling, putting pen to paper can be a cathartic process that allows me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings. Writing provides a safe space for self-reflection and introspection. It enables me to confront my inner demons and embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery. When I am in my darkest moments, I write poetry. Poetry gives me a pathway to describe in depth the pain, hurt, despair, misery, gratefulness, and joy that I am processing during this time in my life. I can give visuals of what my feelings look like through poetry. No other form of communication gives me the same release. It is important for each of us to find that form of expression that allows us to chronicle what we are feeling in a way that is non-destructive to ourselves or others. Musical Therapy: Healing Through Sound Music has a unique ability to evoke powerful emotions and memories, making it a potent tool for emotional healing. Engaging with music, whether through listening, playing an instrument, or composing, can help us connect with our inner selves and process complex feelings. My husband and I are both musicians, so we have the unique opportunity to use our musical abilities to give our brains a respite from the thoughts that circulate and cause us to doubt ourselves and individuals and parents. My singing reminds me of who I am as a person and what I was created to do. I am about to depart for Italy and am in preparation for singing while I am there. The knowledge that I have a purpose and have been putting my concentration on the music in front of me, gives me great relief and brings joy into my life in a time that I normally would be very distraught. This has helped me to know that I am still a person of worth and ability, regardless of the loss and rejection that I have felt over the past 8 months. My ability to sing gives me great solace. I am wanted for who I am. It puts me on the path of self-improvement and positivity. My husband is an instrumentalist. He plays trombone. Though he has not told me yet, I know that he is very grateful to music for being an unmitigated influence for him at this time. The Transformative Power of Creative Expression Engaging in creative activities not only provides an emotional release but also fosters personal growth and resilience. By channeling our inner creativity, we can discover new aspects of ourselves, build self-confidence, and cultivate a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Creative expression offers a path to self-discovery and empowerment, enabling us to navigate life's challenges with greater strength and resilience. Creativity: A Pathway to a Healthier Emotional and Mental Life The only way to deal with estrangement is to go through the mental and emotional pain that it causes. In the research Nelson and I have done to improve ourselves on this journey, we have discovered it is through our creative expression that we have found a way to healthily communicate. Where we once took our unhealthy feelings out on each other, allowing the spill-over to affect our children, we now use our creative abilities to guide us into a new, thriving to live. We put thought into what to say and how to say it. We find innovative ways to communicate our needs and listen to each other, which in turn enriches our marriage and our relationships outside of our marriage. Part of creative expression is allowing yourself to quiet the mind and tap into the spirit that lives inside us, guiding us to a better and uncommon way to communicate. To move forward, we cannot do life in the same pattern that we had before we were estranged from our adult child. No matter what, Nelson and I want to grow and become more of what God created us to be in this world, regardless of whether our estranged adult child wants to reconnect or not. We absolutely pray that she does, however, when it comes down to the reality of the situation, we needed to take a deep dive to become emotionally and mentally healthy. I am so thankful that creative expression is a big part of our journey. #creativeexpression #healthycreativity #estrangement

Amidst the chaos of feelings and thoughts that estrangement from my adult child stirs, journaling emerges as a beacon of healing, offering a safe space to pour out my thoughts, emotions. Writing my feelings on a piece of paper, or typing them into a google doc has been an extremely useful tool for me. I have always journaled. I journal my daily prayers, I journal my thoughts, and I even journal poetry. This blog was started because I journaled what was going on and I needed a place to put everything I was feeling, good and bad. I needed a place to express myself without judgement from any outside source. Honestly, sometimes I need a place to speak where no one else gives me an opinion. Journaling helps me to have that place. The Healing Words Within Journaling is more than just a collection of written words; it is a powerful tool for processing emotions and gaining clarity amidst life's uncertainties. The act of journaling allows me to externalize my innermost thoughts, fears, and joys, freeing my mind from the weight of unspoken feelings. Through the cathartic process of putting my thoughts into words, I begin to unravel the labyrinth of my mind and unearth the healing words within. It gives me a way to track what is going on so that I can gage my reactions and hopefully see where I am doing well in my life and where I need to improve. Embracing Self-Discovery In the quiet moments of journaling, I can free myself of any chains that I have and I allow everything to just flow. When I saying everything, I mean everything! It gives me documentation that I can share with my therapist when there are issues that I am having due to the specific emotional and mental struggles that estrangement can cause. More times than not, I discover issues that probably contributed to the estrangement. It helps me gain a deeper understanding of myself and my emotional landscape. Journaling serves as a mirror that reflects my innermost self, allowing me to confront my fears, deal with past trauma, celebrate my successes, and chart a path towards personal growth and healing. Tracking Progress: A Journey Unfolded One of the most powerful aspects of journaling for healing is the ability to track my progress and growth over time. By revisiting past entries, I witness the evolution of my thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, offering a tangible reminder of how far I have come on my journey towards healing. The act of tracking progress through journaling not only provides validation of my efforts but also inspires me to continue moving forward with courage and resilience. It is not easy to look back on some of the entries, however, it does help me to see I am doing necessary work to help me become a better person and be more capable of handling stressful situations that come my way in a much more healthy manner. Embracing Vulnerability and Resilience Through journaling, I embrace vulnerability as a source of strength and resilience. Opening up my heart and mind on paper requires courage and vulnerability, but it is through this raw authenticity that I find healing and empowerment. Journaling teaches me to embrace my imperfections, acknowledge my struggles, and celebrate my resilience in the face of life's challenges. It is a space where honesty is necessary. It is the place where I express every disappointment,all my rage, all my anger, all my resentment, all my joy, and all my successes. I can just be me. I believe that everyone needs a place to be able to express themselves in this manner. The Written Word Has Power There is much power in the written word. Words can tear down, or they can build up. Words can create. I am in a situation where I am estranged from my adult child. This has given me feelings of being powerless. I have found that journaling daily has allowed me to gain some of that power back, by giving me an avenue to write out everything, most especially when I am feeling angry and lost. I can scream on paper and not disturb anyone, or damage my vocal cords, (an important thing for a singer). Journaling helps me to process all my anxieties. My best ideas come when I am journaling. I can hear God speaking to me when I am journaling. Journaling has become my very best tool in my emotional and mental health emergency kit. It gives me permission to take time for myself, and helps me to move forward. For me, it is a necessary daily activity. Healing During Estrangement is Necessary So many of the resources I have and use discuss the fact that reconciliation with your adult child can only happen when the parent or parents do the work to heal the wounds that made the adult child feel unsafe. I my case, I have no idea why I am estranged from my adult child. We had a difficult conversation and I wrote an email to apologize. At that point, communication was cut off. She would no longer answer. I have had to take a look at the email and the situation. I realize there was more to it than just that conversation. My deep dive to heal and improve began. A lot of articles I have studied, books I have read, and podcasts I have listened to about estrangement have pointed out that if you want to reconcile with your adult child, YOU, in other words, I have to do the hard work of healing and growing. I use many different tools to help myself. Journaling is my first go to tool. I recommend it! Let me warn you, you have to be consistent and completely honest. You may have to give up something in order to spend time on it. I believe it is worth it. #journalingandestrangement #journalingforhealing #estrangementwithadultchild

Navigating the complex emotions and uncertainties that come with family estrangement is a challenging and isolating experience. Estrangement has left us feeling lost and disconnected from our sense of self. However, amidst this pain and confusion, there lies an opportunity for self-discovery, healing, and growth. Embracing Our Journey Estrangement has often brought up a range of emotions, from anger and sadness to guilt and confusion. We have found it essential to acknowledge and validate these feelings as part of our healing process. In doing this we also have found that vulnerability is a very powerful aid in our communication and healing. By giving ourselves permission to feel, be vulnerable and express our emotions, we have taken the first step towards understanding and accepting our experience with estrangement. While none of this is easy, we are finding that the only way out of estrangement is through. Our daughter has still not made contact. That part is difficult. However, it doesn't take away our responsibility to do the necessary work to heal, move forward and improve. We do not want to be in the same place we were when this whole thing started. Reflecting on Your Identity Being estranged from Rachel has definitely made both of us question our identity and sense of belonging. It has been earth shaking and is testing our resolve to become better individuals. Nelson and I are both taking this as an opportunity to explore who we are outside of familial relationships. What values, beliefs, and interests define me as an individual? What values, beliefs, and interests define Nelson as an individual? We spend a lot of time talking and reflecting on our strengths, passions, and aspirations to rediscover the unique people we are created to be beyond our family dynamics. These deep dives are painful and exhilarating at the same time. There are endless possibilities to where this adventure can take us and we are working hard to meet the challenges of this journey through our faith in God, prayer, therapy and learning to take care of ourselves. Cultivating Self-Compassion Self-compassion is a powerful tool in coping with the aftermath of estrangement. Learning to be kind and gentle with ourselves and each other is an absolutely essential part of our healing process as we navigate feelings of loss and grief. We have chosen to ask ourselves "What is a healthy practice for us as a couple and as individuals." What is healthy for us financially, what is healthy for us, mentally, what is healthy for us emotionally, what is healthy for us spiritually are all questions that we have to ask each and every time we are making decisions in order to support in each other. Practicing self-care activities is nurturing to my emotional well-being, as well as Nelson's. Whether it's journaling, meditation, or engaging in creative outlets that bring us joy, we are working to be patient and remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to prioritize self-care along the way. Nelson and I pray that our daughter is doing the same for herself. Embracing Growth and Transformation Through the process of self-discovery after estrangement, we have the opportunity to redefine and shape our own narrative. We are embracing the growth that comes from facing adversity and challenges head-on. We are using this time to envision a future filled with possibilities and new beginnings, where we are empowered to create a life that aligns with who we are as individuals and as a couple, and the values that we firmly believe in. Estrangement can be Painful and Beautiful Nothing can be born without discomfort and pain. However, the birthing process is also beautiful and full of joy. I have said it over and over again, this is very painful. It will be until the birth of something new comes into the world. We don't have time to dwell on the pain of the loss of our adult child due to estrangement. I don't want anyone mistaking this blog as us dwelling on the pain. We are expressing our pain, and describing the process of moving through the misery of it, and focusing on the beauty that is to come. It will come, it takes a lot of patience, self-care, introspection, humility, willingness to look at the good, bad and ugly in ourselves and make the necessary changes to become better people. Will Rachel ever know we have changed? I don't know. We can't work on ourselves for Rachel. We can do it because we want to see ourselves grow and be better. Everything happens in God's time, and His time isn't our time. We wait expectantly. In the meantime, we want to become the people He created us to be. #estrangementfromadultchild #estrangement #estrangementandselfdiscovery