How to Rediscover Yourself and Find Your Groove During Adult Child Estrangement

I love to travel. I love to explore new places and see new things. I made the decision that is it time to see and do something new. I went through years of feeling devalued and unappreciated. Now, I understand that first I have to value and appreciate myself. I am doing something really great for myself. Today, I spent all day finishing the last bit of preparations for my trip to Italy to sing. I have traveled to a lot of different places to sing, Italy has never been one of those places. Now it will be on my list of places I have performed. I am very excited about going. It is through this experience of estrangement from my adult child that I have moved to a place of doing something good for myself.

The thing about estrangement is this: the main problem is me. In writing this blog, I want to be very clear. This is what Nelson and I have learned. "But Crystal, my child just accused me of a bunch of things and then cut-off all communication. It was unreasonable! I am having a hard time understanding that I am the problem! Doesn't my child have to take responsibility too? Does my child just get a free pass, especially after all I have done for him/her?" I hear you and I get it. Believe me, I get it. The fact is I can do absolutely NOTHING, about what my adult child takes responsibility for or doesn't take responsibility for, that is not something I can control. I do not believe that I am giving my adult child a free pass. I just choose to work on myself, and so does my husband. I can only control myself. I choose to be happy. I choose to do things that I love. I choose to pursue peace and joy. I choose generosity and I choose to love and help others. In a relationship, there are two people and both people are responsible for any problems and conflict that exist between the two of them. I have taken a look in the mirror and realized that I have tons of issues that I need to work on to become more of who God created me to be. That has nothing to do with my adult child. However, it does have an affect on our relationship. If I choose healthier behaviors, then anyone around me will benefit. This work has brought me to the realization that life is short and I want to continue to sing as long as I can. So...I am flying to Italy.

Everyone has issues. Estrangement happens when family members are too entrenched in each others lives. It can become an encroachment to the adult child's ability to become autonomous. My job as a parent is to encourage and support my children to grow and become functioning adults and feel confident about making adult decisions, and can thrive in the world independent of the parents. Many adult children feel that their parents do not want them to grow up and leave. They feel smothered. They choose to leave and cut-off communication in order to exercise their independence and help themselves build confidence in their life and in their choices. The silence and distance is excruciating to the parents. It has been true anguish for me. For several months I could not think and had trouble functioning. I was very depressed. I have to admit, I was depressed for years before that. I just kept myself busy and did not want to deal with the depression. Now, I look at this whole estrangement situation with my daughter, and I am less concerned about her cutting me off and not communicating with me, and I am more focused on my life, my faith, my work, my singing, my loving, my generosity, and my walking out my faith in God. Does my heart hurt anymore, YES, every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. To know me, is to know how very much I love my children. I am just more and more comfortable with me and with making healthy choices for myself, and this leads me to be more productive and better equipped to accomplish my purpose. Rachel, has to do that for herself.

For now, I trust God to watch over her, just as I trust Him to watch over my other two adult children. Since I trust God with them, that frees me up to enjoy the fact that I will be flying to sing in Italy tomorrow! I am starting to feel good again. I am seeing a bright light in front of me and I am following that light. I would encourage anyone that is estranged from their adult child to go on a journey of self-discovery and find a great therapist to help. Blaming your child and victimizing yourself is not going to make the situation better. Improving yourself and becoming healthier in mind, body, and spirit does help you. I still want to scream and cry. Nothing would have made me happier than to have Rachel go on this trip with me. I miss her terribly. Not being able to make memories with her makes me very sad. Not having any idea what she is doing makes me very sad. I pray that this will change one day soon. Until then, I choose not to make myself miserable anymore. I choose to take the healthier path and do good things with or without her. I will have eternity with her in heaven. I cling to that hope, and move forward. What better way to move forward than in Italy! I am finding my groove with no apologies.

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