Navigating Special Occasion Days When Estranged from Your Adult Child

Today is Father's Day. Special occasions days are a big challenge during our estrangement from our adult child. Each one that approaches has a bit of dread attached to it. My birthday and Mother's Day has already passed. They were extremely difficult. I cried. Going to church was really an anxiety inducing situation, because so many people said, "Happy Mother's Day." None of them knows what is going on with our daughter. They did not know how hard it was for me to hear those words, knowing that it was not a happy day for me. That day was very sad. I have three adult children, and only two of them are speaking to us. I felt like more of a failure than I can possibly describe. Father's Day is no different. Nelson handles things emotionally very different than I do. He wanted to enjoy the day, and the things I had planned for him and the children's daddy, Bob.

Nelson and I went to church this morning with our son, Jacob, as we do every Sunday. I made reservations two months ago for a Father's Day Brunch. We had a wonderful time. Jacob and I had gifts prepared for both of them. It was very nice. Rosemary called and wished Nelson Happy Father's Day. No word from Rachel. Nothing...just silence. It is very hard to understand how an adult child can just choose to be so detached. I asked Nelson how he felt about it. He said that it was sad for him, however, he had chosen to have a wonderful day anyway, and be grateful for what he did have in his life. He was disappointed as well. He has been a father to the children since they were very small. It is hard to fathom. Bob didn't mention it, I'm sure he received a call.

We are putting much into prayer, thought redirection, and the practice of gratitude. We have to focus on what we do have, and what we have been blessed with, and keep our focus on that. We have been blessed. We have one another, we have a wonderful son and a wonderful daughter. They are kind and supportive. We are blessed that we can sit at a table on Father's Day with my husband, and the children's father and have a peaceful, wonderful time together. Not every family is able to do that part. We work hard to give love and support to my ex-husband, the father of my children. We have found a way to remain friends, no matter what the situation. That is definitely a blessing. We are grateful for Rachel as well. Though very disappointed and sad in the fact that she did not reach out to Nelson today, we are still grateful for her presence in our lives. If it weren't for this estrangement, Nelson and I would probably not be working as hard to become healthier mentally and emotionally as individuals and as a couple. We have her to thank for putting us in the position to take a look at ourselves in the mirror. God always has a plan, and even though it is painful, we are waiting hopefully for the result of the work He is doing in us.

I could say that I am angry at Rachel, at times I am. I have had all the average feelings that accompanies estrangement. Anger, rage, grief, mourning, sorrow, sadness, anguish, feelings of rejection, disrespect, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, frustration, feeling lost, powerless, out-of-control, anxious, discouraged, have all dominated large portions of our lives. On special days like today, I want to scream, "HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR A MAN THAT HAS ALWAYS LOVED YOU?" The fact is, we know from researching and listening to experts, saying anything like that will only cause a larger rift to grow. We pray and wait, and wait and pray. We forgive and let it go, over and over and over. We remind ourselves of how much we love Rachel and that loving her unconditionally and releasing all feelings of resentment and being offended, is the right thing to do. She needs our respect. Rachel has made a decision to be on her own without us in her life for now. As an adult, she has every right to make that decision for herself. We don't have to like her decision, we do have to respect it. Distance can give you clearer perspective. That is the gift it is giving us.

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I have to say all of these things are decisions we have to take a pause to make. They do not come naturally. My gut reaction is to say, "Fine! Don't call me! I won't answer if you do!" In this situation, I cannot allow my gut reactions to lead. If I do, I have no hope of having a relationship with my daughter. Plus, it shows extreme immaturity on my part. It is my experience that age does not give you maturity and wisdom. I am no longer in Kindergarten and the idea of, "I'm gonna take my ball and bat and go home," does not come close to being appropriate in this situation. Nelson and I choose to pause, and give her the space and respect she needs right now. Believe me, I had much rather go straight to where she is and knock on the door and tell her I'm not leaving until she speaks to me! I have to check myself and remember this isn't all about me. Part of my job as a parent is to allow my adult children to have the space to make their own errors and pick themselves up and learn about adulthood.

Don't you wish that "they" had given us a manual on adulthood? No one tells you after 18 and college, (if you choose to attend), that no one really knows what they are doing, and that we are all just making it up as we go? Surprise! You graduated, fly be free, please clean up all the blood, gore, and entrails that you leave in the area where you SPLAT on the ground as you plummet from the sky! Have Fun!!! Learn and grow!!! WHAT THE HECK!?!

What have we learned through going through 7 special occasion days since this estrangement started? Plan ahead, think it through. There is no right or wrong. The plan is to make the occasions as peaceful and healthy mentally and emotionally as you can. They will never be the and understand that there still good times to be created and memories to make that you CAN cherish, with or without your estranged adult child. This is what we do. There is no other choice. Anything else is simply promoting our own suffering. I am in enough pain as it is, there is no need to add to it.

#happyfathersday #estrangement #estrangementandholidays