Quiet is Great, Silence Hurts: Dealing with the Nothing during Estrangement

I want to explain the difference between quiet and silence. There is a BIG difference. I do not experience silence as a positive, unless it is for stage and music. Silence is the absence of sound, it is heavy and prevents expression. Silence is empty. I experienced silence when my son, Jackson, died. There was nothing. I am not a fan of silence. Quiet is very different. It is the absence of noise and uproar. Quiet is stillness and tranquility. Quiet is not disturbed by disruption. Quiet associates itself with peace and freedom. Quiet is free from drama and emotional turmoil. These things are the differences between these two words. I do not care for silence.

In 1993, my son died, and there was nothing left except silence. Silence came and there was nothing. No joy, just heartache and deep cries of loss. I did not know I could make those sounds. They almost seem inhuman when I think back on it. A part of me died with him. When we buried him, I wanted to crawl under the dirt with him. That is the heart of a mother. The soul wrenching inescapable pain of loss. A part of my body was buried. It was almost impossible for me to tear myself away from his grave. I collapsed walking away, and my father picked me up and put me in the car. It was too much for me to comprehend, leaving him there and going home. To this day it rattles me to the core.

What I experience being estranged from my daughter is just like that time in my life. I didn't think I would ever revisit these feelings of loss and pain. Here I am feeling them again. It is not fun. Hearing her voice on the way to the airport was a great blessing to me. It also stirred up the pain in my heart. The longing to talk to her and hear her laugh. Silence is terrible.

I am sitting in the lobby of my hotel. I see parents with their children. They are smiling and talking. It is wonderful to see their interaction. It is also very painful. I am thankful of my quiet little table in the corner to myself. The giggling of the teenage girls near me makes me smile. I am praying that I will hear that again one day. The laughter of my twin daughters, Rachel and Rosemary. Until then, I pray for strength from and God and lean on His mercy and kindness.

Tomorrow I will leave for my destination in Italy. The next 2 weeks I will be surrounding by sound and music and beauty. I will have quiet and stillness. That is what music brings to me. I will focus and learned and grow in a beautiful atmosphere. I am looking forward to that type of quietness. There will be no silence. Just beauty and people that love music as much as I do. I am praying that I will not give any attention to Rachel's silence. I am praying that for a few days, I will forget I am a mother, and just be me, Crystal, the singer.

There is nothing in estrangement. NOTHING. I grow and get stronger and change, my heart becomes more tender. I love more. All of this may be something. It is good for me to get better, I understand that, I just wish someone would tell it to my heart. I had 3 live children. Now, I have 2. At least 2 that want to be involved with me. I just know that I will never be able to get this time back. Today, it seems like wasted months for nothing. Wasted time for nothing.

Ok, now back to Italy...and singing.

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