Family Events are Awkward When Dealing with Estrangement

Our son, Jacob, is getting married soon. He and his fiance' have not set a date yet. It is rapidly getting to the time where they will. Jacob and his sisters are very close. The girls are twins, and the three of them are 13 months apart. They have always been more like triplets. Since they are a single child and twins, I have always called them twingles. They love each other very much. I know that Jacob will want his sisters to stand with him. I am the Groom's mother. I had a talk with him about the fact that if his sister, Rachel, is not talking to us at that point it is going to make for an awkward situation at his wedding. He replied, "I trust you both. You both love me and want that day to be joy-filled for me. I know that you both will do all in your power to make that happen." He is correct. I will do all in my power to make that a wonderful day for Jacob. It is hard to figure out how to be in the same room with your adult child who doesn't want to speak to you or be around you. I would love to pull her aside and ask, "What is your problem with me? Can't we just talk this out?" I realize that my reacting in that way is just going to cause a drama and steal from Jacob's joy. Admittedly, I haven't quite figured this one out yet.

One idea I have is to remind myself that I need to treat my daughter as though she is a guest that I am thrilled came for Jacob. Someone that Jacob is very close to, (which is all true and I wouldn't be faking), and I am not. I can be cordial and polite and welcoming, as I would for a stranger, and then let Jacob and his sister Rosemary deal with it. I don't want to avoid Rachel, I just don't to make myself miserable.

Another idea I have is to be the perfect hostess and put on a smile and act like nothing's wrong and that everything is still the way it should be. I hate faking things. I am not good with dishonesty. It usually puts me in a very bad mood when I can't be myself. I don't think I will use this particular tactic.

My third idea is to keep myself distracted with wedding plans and making sure that everything is going smoothly. I can busy myself with errands and decorations and food. I can allow myself to stay out of the room due to wedding duties. This is probably my best option, as it helps me to serve Jacob and Sage, and keeps me focused on their happy day.

No matter what I choose, family events are awkward, during estrangement. I know that Nelson and I will have to keep reminding ourselves that it is not about us and that we need to focus on Jacob, his fiance' Sage, and their happy day. It is about them, and not about us. I do not want to cause him one moment of pain. When I choose to focus on someone else, rather than on myself and my own feelings of powerlessness and insecurity, it always works out better for me. I am writing about this right now, because I am working on making decisions ahead of time. I am giving myself a boundary to work within. One of the things that happens frequently is the great misuse of boundaries in our culture today. "According to Brené Brown, setting boundaries means prioritizing your needs and practicing self-care without feeling guilty."

When I decide to set boundaries for myself at Jacob's wedding, the boundaries are for me and my needs and the boundaries need to represent my values and decision-making on what is healthy for me. They are a guideline for me to follow and if I communicate them clearly, they will be respected. I am making decisions for my behavior, not for the behavior of others. I am working on a plan for myself. I have no control over what anyone else will do, or how they will behave. If being in close proximity of my estranged daughter causes me to tear up, I can excuse myself and go to the bathroom to practice my DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), by choosing to breathe, and using a coping thought and action. No one needs to know I am about to cry, or that I am having a moment of anxiety. A feeling is just a feeling and if I give it a moment, it will go away, and I can come back out and smile and enjoy my son's special day. The point of the day is to make a beautiful memory. That is exactly what I want.

I am in charge of my own happiness. I am thrilled for Jacob. He has found someone he loves and who loves him in return. It is a true blessing to see his happiness and the happiness of Sage. Because I love my son, and my daughters, I chose to make the decision to put in whatever effort I need to in order to love them unconditionally. Putting my personal feelings of awkwardness aside is something I must do for myself and for them. I want to live with beautiful memories of a wonderful day in the life of my son. I also love my estranged daughter. Any poor reaction on my part only pushes her further away. By writing about this, I am making the decision to continue to practice my DBT skills and allow my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to change for the better.

None of what I just said stops the situation from being awkward. It does give me a plan that I can execute to make everything manageable for myself. Honestly, this plan makes me feel good. I think I will stick with it!

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