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What is the first thing we tend to do when something hurts us deeply? We tend to call our family and friends and reach out for support and aid. After a while, we need to take a look at what real healing is, and how we can do it and need to do it alone. It isn't that we don't need the love and support of others, it is that fact that when we are hurting and need to heal, we are the only ones that can do it. Involving others doesn't help. If I had surgery and need to learn to walk or talk again, I would need the support of my loved ones, however the work to accomplish the healing is mine and mine alone. It is the same with a broken heart and deep emotional and mental wounds. The work that is needed for my own healing is between me and God alone. I believe my daughter chose the list above. I believe when things got overwhelming for her, she chose the things on the list above. It is a very wise choice. I have to say, I am choosing it for myself. I also know that there are a few things I can do that will help me to heal in a better way. I have realized over the past few months that no one is going to be able to help me heal except God and that my complaining and crying and talking about it with others isn't helping and can be overwhelming to the people to whom I am talking. I even realize that I need to change the course of what I am writing in this blog. I started out pouring out my pain over the estrangement with our adult child. It was what I needed at the time. Now, I find that I need to do something that is more helpful to me and to whomever reads this blog. There is only so much whining a person needs to do in one lifetime. Heal or not, it is up to me. We are starting family therapy tomorrow. God is with me no matter what happens in this first meeting. It is the first step to learning new family habits and breaking the chains of the generational problems that Nelson and I brought into our family and to follow God and allow the broken parts to be mended. I am in my own therapy and so is Nelson. I can't speak for what he does in his therapy, however, I know in mine, I am working on developing better ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. I am learning to choose to keep focused on doing the work towards my goals, even if I have something to upset me or fill me with anxiety. Today, after I worked with my students, I told myself, "You did a great job! I am proud of you!" That is a good habit to start. I am adding getting back to the gym and eating a 1400 calorie a day, high protein diet to my regimen. I am spending my quiet time in the morning with Bible Study and prayer time. I am working on clearing my mind and breathing. I am committing to saying, "Yes," ONLY to things that bring me joy and that move me towards my goals and purpose. If it interrupts my work towards those things, I have to say, "No." There are dreams and goals that I have had all of my life. I have to deal with those things for myself. No one else can do that for me. Training myself to work on my music and delve into the deep world of continually shaping myself into a true artist is the goal that I have always kept in front of me. I have had many things distract me from this path. I am making the firm decision to not be distracted. I gave up so much raising my children and taking care of others. In many ways, it was necessary and I do not regret it. However, when I take a good look at the estrangement I have with my adult child, I realize that by not taking care of myself, I allowed my issues to become a problem for others. Making the right decisions, setting boundaries and doing the healing alone, facing the problems and dealing with them alone, is the best thing I can do. My issues do not belong to anyone but me. When I say that I need to heal on my own and alone, I mean that I do not need to involve anyone else in filling the void, so that it distracts me from actually listening to the grief and pain and then doing what it tells me I need to do in order to heal. That could mean exercise, mediation, affirmations, prayer, walking, journaling, whatever it takes to heal, that is what I have to do alone. It means not filling every single moment with busyness, so that I can avoid feeling the grief. It is hard. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is absolutely necessary. It is only then, when I know that I am healed from the trauma, the pain, the sorrow, the regret, and I have learned to love myself and others, that I will be ready for the best that God has for me. Make no mistake, I know God is with me through all of this. I just don't need another human being to distract me from the work that I must do. I want to know the blessing and abundance that God has in store for me on this earth. I alone am responsible to do that work. I hope this helps someone who is going through something similar. I am looking forward to hearing how you are doing. I am excited for the journey I am on. #estrangementjourney #healing #healalone #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

It is easy to become distracted when you are estranged from your adult child, and we are with our daughter. You want to search for answers and solutions. I have found that we want to get the problem solved as quickly as possible. The truth is that the problem isn't going to solve quickly. It takes time. We are praying that this season will be short. As good as that sounds, it is too long. Any amount of time is too long. What I am learning is this is a distraction. I can research and work on becoming better for myself and my family. I can go to therapy. In fact, we start family therapy this coming Wednesday. That is a good thing. It will give everyone a chance to improve. Our estranged daughter will not be there. She is not a factor in our family therapy. Maybe one day she will be, for now it is the 4 of us. I have realized how much this estrangement has sucked up time in my life. It has been a major distraction for months now. It is time for that to end. I started to write about how long it has been. I changed my mind. The time that has passed doesn't matter anymore. What does matter is that I do things that make me happy. What matters is that Nelson does things that make him happy. What matters is that we serve God and love other people. That is the best that I can do. I have been given the opportunity to do 3 shows in the next few months. I want to focus on getting ready for those things. I want to grow my studio more and care for my students and the new students that I will meet in the future. I want to take care of myself and my husband and my home. I also have have a Scentsy business that I would love to see grow. I have enough on my plate. I have enough to keep me occupied and I have enough to focus my energy in a positive way. No need to put my mind on the negative. Abundance is the answer. Loving in abundance, living in abundance, giving in abundance. I have learned that coming from a place of lack only makes you needy. Needy for the approval of others, needy for pleasing people. When this estrangement started I wanted the approval of my children and I wanted to please them. Now...it doesn't matter. I love my children with all my heart. That is the best I can do. Now I am focusing on my singing, getting stronger, and building my businesses to the best of my ability. That is where my focus needs to be. My estranged daughter has her own issues going on, and I pray she is healed every single day. I can do nothing about it at this point. Nelson can do nothing about it at this point. She wants no communication. To be honest, that is a relief. Oddly enough, I am more excited about writing and letting the subjects be more about how I am working each day to focus on what I can do on a daily basis, rather than what I can't. Yea! I get to write about awesome students, great Scentsy products, good friends, and working on singing and shows. And maybe a little about family therapy. It is nice to think about changing the story by writing the newest chapter. I am ready for a change. #estrangement #newchapterinestrangement #estrangemenwithadultchild #focusonwhatyoucando

I spent time on the phone today with my BFF, Angie. Ang for me. I have three very close friends. I am to blessed to have them. Angie, Preston, and Eugene. I could not go on without them. Angie is my best friend from High School. She has known me to longest of the three. We spent the night together so many times. We shared so many laughs. In the days when, "cruising," was popular, we would ride around town together. As teenagers, we dreamed together, cried together, planned together, schemed together, made late night cheeseburgers together, went to movies together, you get the gist. Our favorite cartoon character was Garfield. We laughed at his sarcasm. I think it helped us both. We never have had a bad word to say to each other. With what I have been going through lately, and what she has been going through, we have needed that firm foundation of a long time friendship. We talked for a long while today. I was very happy to hear her voice. She was so very supportive of me and encouraging me in the situation of estrangement I am in with my adult daughter. She reminded me of who I am. She reminded me that I must be who I was born to be, no matter what. Angie, Preston, and Eugene all are my towers of strength and help me through this difficult situation. Sometimes you have to have your friends. I have mine. When you surround yourself with your friends you are reminded of the core of your heart. In situations like I am in with my estranged daughter that is much needed. They each remind me that I am loved and that I can endure. They remind me that I have much to give, and that there is so much good within me. They don't let me fall into the trap of feeling like a failure at being a mother. Today, Angie lifted me up and gave me the strength to know that I have to let my adult children fall and pick themselves up. She had a situation with her own daughter that caused them not to speak for a while. She told me that sometimes our adult children have to hit rock bottom before they realize they had it pretty darn good with us as parents. Not everyone has that situation, however, our children did. Her daughter came around and is doing great. Mine will do the same. Nelson and I start family therapy with our other daughter and our son this coming week. I am praying we can work together, learn to communicate well, and gain coping skills that help us become a stronger family. I have to honestly admit, being the parents of adult children is hard. No one ever warns you about that, so I am warning you. I am praying for God to use our family therapy to help me learn to enjoy being the parent of adult children. So far, it has not been too much fun. I turn back to Garfield and Odie. They make me smile. Seeing them brings back so many great memories. They make me laugh. If you do not know them, you need to get to know them. At this time in my life, I need all the humor and laughs I can get. Angie, I love you. You always know how to remind me that I was loved before and I am loved now. Preston, I love you. You, like Angie, bring me laughter and let me know that I am awesome regardless. Eugene, what can I say to tell you how much I appreciate you. You are more than a friend, and more than a brother, I am going to have to make up a word one day for what you are to me, because there just isn't a word to describe what we are, siblings doesn't quite make it. Thank you for being there always. How blessed I am to have three friends that are my heart and soul. God did something good for me, when He brought you three into my life. Garfield and Odie, thanks for showing that friendship is worth it, no matter what. My friends let me know that I have a life worth living outside of the part of me that is a mother. I have value beyond motherhood. Before I had children, I had friends. That is good to know. Praise God for that knowledge! #yougottahavefriends #garfieldandodie #bestfriendsareawesome #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

Since my estranged adult daughter sent her email, Nelson and I have had a lot of discussion. Through the wisdom of one of my sweet friends from my trip to Italy, we are taking the step to seek out a family therapist. I contacted my other daughter and my son, and they both agreed to attend family therapy with us. I am searching for a family therapist that can work virtually and in the two states that my family lives in. My daughter who is speaking to me, lives in Virginia, while Nelson and I, and my son live in Tennessee. It is a bit complicated because the therapist will have to be licensed in both states. We will figure it out. It is an important step for our family. The four of us need to work on our relationship skills together so that we can be a healthier unit. I am glad that my other two children agreed to work with us. That is a positive step in the right direction. Will it change our relationship with our estranged adult daughter? I have no idea. However, it will give us the skills the love one another and support one another in a better way, so if she ever decides to speak to us again, we will be better prepared. It is so strange thinking about all of this conflict. We were never the family that screamed and yelled and fought constantly. There was no violence, drugs, or alcohol. Our children were a dream to work with, and I never had a complaint about them. They were loving and obedient. Not perfect, but not hard. As teenagers, they didn't stay out late, break curfew, party, all the things you expect a teenager to do. They didn't yell at each other, or call one another names. Now having a daughter who is estranged from us is really weird. Yes, we had stress and drama. My mother had dementia and lived with us for 10 years and we took care of her until she died. I was very close to my mother, and my husband and children helped me a lot. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard work and hard to watch her deteriorate. My estranged daughter was my main helper, and she stayed to give me support and help. During that time, I had another close family member to get in a lot of legal trouble and that caused a ton of stress as well. And we had a lot of financial stress that my husband and I were not on the same page about, so there were many stressful conversations. There was stress on top of stress on top of stress. It just about put me under. I'm sure at this point that all of that contributed to my daughter wanting to leave, and cut off all communication. We are very sorry we didn't hear her and see how much of a struggle she was having. I admit, I was too focused on my own junk. Realizing this now, we are going to family therapy. We said, "No More," we need to turn this around. We will do what it takes. It is not easy to change. It is not easy to admit you screwed up, and maybe you weren't as good at parenting as we thought we were. Nelson and I are looking deep in the mirror at ourselves every single day. This is our next step and it takes courage. Today, Nelson and I had to spend a good bit of time untangling the knot of not being on the same page all the time. We started with what we have in common. We only focused on what we have in common and how we want to work on those things to benefit our relationship. In the end, we want the same thing, to have a joy-filled, healthy, thriving relationship, where we are able to reach our common goals and dreams. That was a good conversation. A great step in the right direction. Our main tool is listening. Really listening to each other. We will be taking that into family therapy with us. We are looking to take another positive step tomorrow. We have our plan for the week. Let's do this.

The email from my estranged adult child, with explanation, finally came. It was the kick in the gut we were expecting. The pain and anger she is feeling is overwhelming to her. The pain, hurt, regret, feelings of powerlessness, loss, failure and grief are overwhelming to me. Facing the fact that you failed as a parent, and it caused your child pain, is horrific. There is nothing more I can do or say. She asked us to not contact her at all. No emails, no texts, no letters or cards. Not that I was doing that much. I randomly sent her an email every 6 to 8 weeks, maybe even less. I did not text her unless I sent an email to let her know I had sent an email. I had no idea if she received them or not. For all I know, she could have been deleting them. The most recent email I sent was a specifically crafted email that I had done to apologize to her for anything I could have done to cause this estrangement. I followed the instructions from experts in the field of estrangement. The only good thing about it was that she responded and explained her position. I appreciate that much at least. She said in her email that she forgives us. She just is dealing with too much hurt and anger to be in a relationship with us at this time. I suppose that is fair. We accept the things that she said. Her feelings are valid, because they are her feelings. As her parents, it doesn't really matter what we feel. That is part of the job as a parent. I have to put how I feel aside and deal with that in my own therapy. I have to find my own outlets to release my feelings. At this time I could spew out all kinds of things about how I feel. Hurt, anger, frustration. The Bible says in James 1: 19-20 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." The Bible goes on to say in James 3:6, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." To be like Jesus is the goal. To accept responsibility for myself and myself alone is probably the hardest job I will ever do in my life. Accepting full responsibility, period. Apologizing and giving no excuses for my behavior. For my adult estranged daughter, any justification behind any of my actions on non-actions make no difference. She is in pain, and that is all that matters. She is an adult, and as an adult she has to take responsibility and work out her own pain, in her own way. I cannot help her with that part of her life. As hard as it is for me, she has a harder job. She has the hardest part. Do I think this is a waste of time? Yes. Life is so short. I have already lost one child years ago. I do not want to lose another. Yet, I do feel as though I have lost her. My grief is deep. I have cried and cried. She is gone. Forever? I do not know. Will she come back? I do not know. The only thing I do know is that this has changed me. My heart is completely broken. As I write this, I can hear the Holy Spirit whispering to me, "I will put it back together in a better way." I understand that it will take time. I can say, that Nelson and I are committed to doing what we have to do to heal and strengthen our relationship. That is the best that we can do for our family. I look at photos of my family, and our smiles. The many photos of us laughing and having a good time. The closeness that we all shared. Now, that dynamic has drastically changed. All it took was one wrong turn that started out seemingly insignificant. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I will never be the same, Nelson will never be same, and our family will never be the same. My sincere prayer is that in never being the same, it will turn into something better. Right now I do not know the future. I only have now. So...today I have been cleaning house. I am sweeping out the dirt and dust from the past. I am changing out and updating photos. I am getting rid of past things that I have held onto that have no real value or significance now. Things have shifted and I want my surroundings to reflect our life now, not our life then. What has happened between us and our estranged adult daughter is now a thing of the past. When I feel like crying, I allow myself to cry. I do not allow myself to deny my feelings. I have always faced the storm. I have never run from a storm, nor have I hidden from one. I will use the words, my daughter used when she ended her email to us. Until then...I am looking at my memories that were happy and good, and thinking of the words of Humphrey Bogart, "We will always have Paris." I love you Rachel. My door is always open, and the kettle is always on. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #griefinestrangement #lookingtobetterdays

I got up this morning and got ready for my day. I had a doctors appointment with my new Primary Care Physician. I really like her. I like the people in the office too. They were very open and friendly. They listened and were interested. That is rare in our medical system today. It was interesting. My new doctor likes to sing. She said that she was interested in calling me and taking some lessons. I told her I would be happy to help. There was also a really great idea tossed around about another singing opportunity. A possible one woman show. This was something suggested to me a few years ago. I am going to take it seriously and work it up. It is going to take a good bit of work. I think I am up to it. My friend, Preston, told me to be brave and do it. I am grateful for the encouragement. Now I am looking for a music arranger. I have some other things that I have to do as well to make this new idea work. I am saving those details for later. While all of this was going on, I was still dealing with the fallout of yesterday. It is going to take a while for me to shake that off. This new opportunity will help. I am glad for it. While I was thinking about all of this, I also thought for a while about sending another email to my estranged daughter. There is so much I want to say to her, I don't know where to start. I thought about all the things I could say, I could tell her how hurt Nelson and I are, and how it doesn't help to not talk it out. I could tell her how much we love her and that whatever the problem is, we are open and willing to listen to her. I could tell her how much pain and anger this causes. I keep coming back to one thing...when I read books about estrangement and listen to podcasts about estrangement, the message that stands out is that the ball is in her court and there is really nothing I can do. That is the hardest part. There is a narrow road to walk when you are estranged from you adult child. I am not sure of what to do. I am not sure of what choice to make. Over the years, the biggest piece of wisdom I have learned about make decisions when you are not sure what is right, is to wait, pray, and be still. In the stillness, God will speak to me, and the answer will come. I know if I use my own wisdom, I will mess everything up. I will move to fast. I will push her away. Waiting patiently, and being still and listening for God's voice in this matter is the best choice I can make. As I am writing this, I am encouraging myself in the area. There are other opinions that I am taking into consideration as well. However, for now, I am waiting and staying still. Does that mean I am doing nothing? No. It takes self-control, and a lot of it. I have to constantly redirect my thoughts and feelings about this estrangement. I am working on putting this one woman show together. I am writing this blog, that is another thing I am doing. I am working with my students, whom I love. I am concerned about all the time that passes. Time is the commodity that we cannot get back. Once it is gone, it is gone. I honestly believe that this estrangement is an unnecessary waste of time. Yet, I am in it, and I cannot change that part. While I am waiting, I am working. I am working on me, I am working on my dreams, I am working on my relationship with God. God is always good, and always provides a way. So, no matter happened yesterday, today was better. Another way God provided support for me. I am thankful. #estrangementtakespatience #gratitudeisgood #bestill #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

This was a tough day. Nine months have gone by since my daughter had any communication with me, and then another major issue cropped up. It made me wish I was back in Italy. Truth is, it made me wish I was anywhere, just not here. It isn't the location, it is the circumstance. It would be great if I could only deal with one issue at a time. Now I have two. It really stinks when the people closest to you let you down. It hurts. Pain on top of pain. It really seems endless. Just a merry-go-round. I reached out to my children's dad, just for a little support. I received no response. I cannot tell you how tired I am of the silence. It makes me so disappointed. I am also disappointed in that fact that I trusted a person close to me and they betrayed that trust. Yet, as I write this, I know that tomorrow is a different day, and I pray and have faith that God will keep lifting me up and help me walk stronger tomorrow. Bad days are inevitable, and people are going to mess up and fail me. My biggest struggle is seeing them make the same mistakes, over and over and over and over, and not having any control over it. At times I feel like I am just helpless and powerless. I have the impression that no matter what I do, the fallout from the mistakes of others is just going to continue to spew all over me. I am exhausted and am at the point that I have to make a decision for myself to not be there for the fallout. I have had enough. I can no longer allow someone else's issue to affect me. I believe I am going to have to make a larger change for myself. I have to ask myself, "Why do I continue to allow this behavior around me?" The answer is, I have believed I don't deserve more. Now I know that I do. I am tired of not being thought of, I am tired of not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I believe that I deserve more. I can no longer tolerate the selfish, self-involved behavior that I have lived with for years. I just can longer give energy to it. I have given and given and given. I am at the end of what I can give. I have survived another Bad day. Knowing that I have a 100% record of getting through bad days is not enough anymore. I don't want to just live my life surviving bad days!! Yes, I am ranting. I am at a breaking point. I do so much work!! I truly do! I would just like to see the people around me do the same. I cannot express how angry and disappointed I am right now. I have been abandoned and kicked in the teeth by those who are supposed to love me. I am thankful to God for pouring out His compassion and love for me in this moment. This day was difficult at best. I am so thankful for my friend Preston who took me to dinner and asked me to help him celebrate something good he had happen. That made the day more tolerable. Thank you Preston for always loving me. You were God's gift to me today, and I am appreciative. As for the rest. I am glad it is over. Time for bed. #survivedtheday #stopabandonment #estrangement #giveemotionalsupport #estrangementwithadultchild

Today was just like any other work day. I got up, had my coffee, did my Bible study and prayer time. I had to take our dog Lilly Rose to the vet for her shots. She charmed the office. She is a very happy dog, she smiles all the time, and is very friendly and loving. When we got home, she was so happy! She went straight for the door and was greeted by Pippin, Duchess, and Jace. They were very happy she returned home. It was so great to see. They were sad when she left and happy when she came home. That is the way it needs to be for all of us. I got a quick lunch and then headed upstairs to the studio to work with my students for the day. It was fun to have new ideas that I picked up in Italy, and show them an easier way to work on their technique. I was happy to see the students be successful at applying what they are learning. I love that part of my job! Later in the day I was contacted privately by another friend, letting me know that she is going through an estrangement with her daughter, as well as, her sister. It is helpful to have friends reach out to me. I am glad that we can help one another. That is the best thing that can happen. Estrangement makes you feel so abandoned. It is as though there is a big sign over your head that flashes, "I'M A FAILURE AS A PARENT!" When someone reaches out and says, "Hey! I'm here! This is happening to me too!" It is much appreciated by me. We just want to stop feeling sad. We just want to feel loved and supported just like everyone does. None of us are hearing from our children. We all cry over little things, and experience feelings of helplessness and loss. Since I do not hear from my estranged daughter at all, I am looking at it through the lens of, "No New is Good News." She must be doing well, and she must be healthy. I know she has a roof over her head and food and clothes. Her basic needs are being met. I know my estranged adult daughter is in contact with her sister, her brother, her grandparents, and her dad. I am grateful that she is still in touch with people in the family. As painful as it is to not have any contact with her, I am glad that they are speaking with her. It gives me some comfort. Every single day, I make an effort to look for something to be thankful for that is in front of me now. Today, I am grateful for another friend reaching out to me, telling me that she read my blog and that she is here, going through the same thing and I am not alone. Thank you for reaching out Sally. I am here for you as well! #nonewsisgoodnews #estrangement #supportforestrangedparents #estrangementwithadultchild

I spoke with a good friend today. We had a conversation about being in the same boat when it comes to estrangement. Both of us have adult daughters that refuse to speak to us. We are in similar and different situations at the same time. Their daughter is still in college. Mine is not. Their daughter has communicated her intense resentment and anger towards them. My daughter has not. While it is a great relief to me to have someone to talk to that definitely understands my pain, I do not want them to feel one moment of this heartache. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. This prompted me to ask the question, "What the Heck? Why is this an option for our children?" I understand if the parents were physically abusive, or neglected their children. There are many children that grow up with parents who have drug addictions and alcohol addictions. There are also those who grow up in homes where they are sexually abused. In these cases, I completely understand if they decide to separate themselves from their parents, especially if the parents refuse to change in any way. However, many parents are completely puzzled by the sudden silence of estrangement from their adult child. That is what happened to my husband and me. The shock and surprise leaves you feeling nothing but pain and abandonment. I have no explanation. No reason, just silence. I know my friend that I spoke to today is just as puzzled. They worked to provide, and be present and active in the lives of their children. So did my husband and I. Experts are saying that family estrangement is on the rise. Some even say estrangement is getting close to being an epidemic. The generation that Gen Xers are raising right now are more educated and more privileged than ever before. Our adult children have more classes on Psychology and Political Correctness than we ever had. The resources that they can tap into due to the surge in computer technology and the internet is endless. All of these things are wonderful...until they aren't. Social Media today leans towards giving short talks on Narcissism and Toxicity. You can especially find these subjects on TikTok and Instagram. In our fast paced world, our adult children get information quicker, however, they also are quicker to believe they have all the information. The fact is, most of the time they don't. It seems to be more and more common to just cut out the things that bother our adult child. It is becoming more and more an act of personal expression and identity. Instead of growing and learning and gaining resilience, this generation of adult children are tending to just walk away from their relationships with their parents. This seems to be the new way of declaring independence. Unfortunately, more often than not, it is simply avoidance. Instead of showing real maturity, and facing the issue, and working to communicate on an adult level with their parents. From my perspective, I would do just about anything to solve the estrangement between me and my daughter. I think most parents would. I am going to therapy, working on issues, making real changes, learning how to deal with the trauma I have lived through in my life. I am willing to go to family therapy, whatever it takes to heal my relationship with my daughter. I believe that individualism and separatism and rapant diagnosis/labeling, is on the rise. As a result our adult children are much quicker to place these labels on their parents. Ok...We all have issues!!! We are all human. We all make mistakes. We don't all have Borderline Personality Disorder, or Narcissism. Can we just admit that we all have a little bit of everything? I am a person, a flawed, beautiful, wonderful, broken, fallen, traumatized, talented, intelligent person. God loves me!! I am loved by the Creator of the Universe and I am not His mistake! He made me in His image! This goes for everyone on the planet. What is needed is a culture of inclusion, interdependency, support, connectedness, acceptance, and mutual reliance. Instead of running away from things we don't like, we need to draw together and make a cooperative change. The good news in my research is to find out that most estrangements reconcile. It may happen later than sooner. The research gives me hope. In the end, no matter what is said on Social Media that may or may not be an influence in my adult child's life, I have to continue to make the necessary changes in myself in order to live a healthier lifestyle. The truth, this is one of the most painful, torturous, situations I have ever gone through in my life. Every day, I see parents with children and it hurts. I pray they never experience what my husband and I are going through. This is why my working on becoming healthier mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically is so important. Having your adult child just suddenly stop talking to you or seeing you with no explanation is terribly traumatic. It is important for me to be patient with myself and do good things for myself during this difficult time in my life. I am a person who faces her problems head on. I pray that our adult children will decide to do the same. #estrangementepidemic #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #givesupport

Tonight, Nelson, my friend, Preston, and I went to a karaoke place for chicken wings. No, I do not do karaoke, neither does my husband or Preston. We just thought it would be fun to watch others and have some chicken wings. We did have a good time. It was a good idea. We all need to blow off steam and laugh. Laughter is a good way to heal. Laughter lowers my anxiety and helps me feel more like myself. The people singing karaoke were having a good time, and we sang along at our table. Great fun was had by all. It has taken quite a while for me to start feeling myself again. I work on it every single day. Each day I make the decision to do good things for myself and inch forward. That is the best I can do under the circumstances. While someone was singing karaoke, they had chosen the song, "To Make You Feel My Love," tears started streaming down my face. My daughters had danced a ballet to that piece when Nelson and I got married. All I could think about was how beautiful they both looked, and how precious that moment was in my life. In that moment, at our wedding, watching the dance, I could never have imagined that one day in the future my daughter would stop talking to me. So, now, I forge ahead. Some days are better than others. This one was pretty good. I do research to help myself. I work with my students. I practice. I have a therapist. I journal my prayers, I work with my dogs. Honestly, I am making it up as I go. I keep what I want to do in my focus. There are things that I am determined to accomplish. If we are all transparent, I believe that we all would admit we are just winging it as we go. I am not saying that imposter syndrome is what is going on, I do not feel like an imposter. I just know that I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what to do. That is why I research and read books, listen to podcasts, and go to therapy. Also, I pray A LOT! It is hard to know which decision is the best decision and the right decision. All I know is that now I am taking more time to work out what it is front of me, before I jump into a situation. When I look back on what I believe I contributed to the estrangement with my daughter on my part, I believe it was my anxiety, lack of control and coping skills for the trauma and anxiety that I experienced that led to the estrangement. I believe that my daughter needed to get away from the issues that I was having. That is a hard thing to admit. I ask myself, was I winging everything then or now? Right now, I am simply living to move forward and do better. I am proud of myself. I am proud of the changes that I am making and the work I am doing. I am proud that I am moving forward. I am proud that I am building a new life for myself. I am thankful to God for providing the opportunity and the support system. An estrangement is like a divorce. Especially one that comes out of the blue. You had a relationship and then suddenly you don't. It leaves you spinning with self-doubt and heartache. Nothing happens within a relationship that doesn't have two parts. Relationships have two people. My job now is to improve myself daily. That is where the singing helps and the winging it stops. I know what to do within the parameters of improving myself. I am grateful that I do. #singitorwingit #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #laughterhelps

Today was very interesting. I attended a meeting with my close friend Preston. He asked me to go to a meeting being held by the people here in the city we live that are involved in getting the help and information out into the community about prevention and treatment of HIV/AIDS. It was very interesting information. Some of the information I was aware of, and some of it I was surprised to find out. For instance...Did you know there is a pill/injection out there called PREP? This drug is available for people who are at high risk for sexual activity. It helps with the prevention of contracting HIV. You can receive it in pill form or injection form. The injection lasts for up to two months. I also found out that 70% of new HIV/AIDS patients are African-American. African-Americans make up 1/3 of the population of the United States. That is a huge percentage of the African-American population that are affected by HIV/AIDS. I am processing a lot of information from this meeting. While HIV/AIDS doesn't have to be a death sentence anymore, it is still a huge issue. As long as people continuing having sex, STDs and HIV/AIDS will always be a problem. What in the world does this have to do with estrangement with my daughter? There are always going to be issues in the world. It is up to us to do what we can to change the world in the best way that we can. Sometimes we come up on a situation that shows us there are bigger things to help with than our self-centered problems. This is one of those times. I am not saying that the separation between my daughter and me is unimportant. It is very important, and it needs to be resolved. I pray every single day that it will resolve. I just know that I have done just about everything I can do from my end. At this point, it is in her court. I have said over and over, I have to work to improve myself. I have to deal with my trauma and keep working on living my best life. I am doing that work. In the meantime, this opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others has presented itself. I am so glad it did. Within my heart, as much as I love my daughter and pray that she decides to speak to me again, I see that volunteering to help this committee is a better use of my time. It is a better use of my energy and my resources. There are so many people out there that are suffering. It is way more valuable to help alleviate that suffering in the best way that I can. HIV/AIDS has affected some of my friends. It doesn't get the attention it used to, and I realized today that we all can get so complacent. To get involved, to move forward in love, joy, and positivity, to show love to other people, that is what I need to do with my time. Sometimes we have to shift our focus. As a mother, I have spent so much time and energy on my children. Now that the parenting is done, and they are all adults living there lives, I can take that energy and do something that will make a difference and hopefully save someone's health and life. While my children will always be a priority, I love them very much, I can no longer be consumed by the pull of living my life for them. I am learning that I have to live my life for God and me. That is very important. Shifting my focus in a better and healthier direction. I am grateful today for my friend, Preston. I am grateful that he is in my life, and that he included me in this opportunity. I am glad I met the people I met today. It was a good day. Except for that last part... My little dog, Pippin, got out and ran off. He took us on a wild chase for 2 hours. We called and called for him. I love my little Pippin. I cried and cried. Just when we were about to go out again with our dog, Jace, and Preston's dog, Grace, to see if Pippin would come to one of them, Preston opened my back door and in walked Pippin! He was hot and his hair was full of leaves. We call him the little Emperor. He believes he owns the world and everything within it. It seems as if Pippin decided that He needed water and out of the heat, so he came back to his throne room. He had enough of surveying his kingdom for now. He knew where food, water, shelter and love were, and he returned to it. I have hope that one day soon, someone else that I know and love will decide the same. Until then...I choose to wait patiently and redirect my energy into doing something that will inspire others to make healthy choices for themselves. I believe that is a better use of the time God has given me. #hivaids #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #betterwithfriends

I am back from Italy. It was a long trip home. Four flight delays, I was awake for over 36 hours. I was glad to get home after that adventure. I found out that I really do not care much for the airport in Munich, Germany. The trip itself was great! I performed 4 concerts in a 2 week period and learned so much from my teacher, Neil Semer, and from Jorge Balca. I also learned a lot from my colleagues who were also there to learn and grow. The people there represented Denmark, Sweden, Holland, Germany, Portugal, Canada, The United States, England, France, Australia, Italy and Brazil. Twelve countries coming together to sing and learn and grow. Our love of singing and music tied us together and we bonded. It was wonderful to be a part of such a unifying situation. In the climate of our world today, I believe that we proved that music is a tool that can be used to bring people from all cultures and backgrounds together. Peace can be achieved through music as a common denominator. I loved every single person that I met. Do I feel that I came back changed? My answer is yes. Has my estrangement with my daughter changed? Unfortunately, no. While I was there, I faced the issue of working on tension in my body that is inhibiting my air flow. As a singer, your air being able to flow freely is essential. Without free air flow, singing doesn't work in a healthy manner. I had to spend time listening to the tension. I didn't spend time trying to figure out why I had tension, I had to meditate and spend time listening to my body and the tension, allowing it to speak. Listening is a big deal. Over and over and over, I hear Neil Semer say, "LISTEN!" I came back with a great desire to, "listen," more than I speak. When the tension spoke, I finally cried and cried. I cried in front of a masterclass of other professional singers. The tension told me that my daughter not speaking to me is causing the tension. I am feeling tension in my abdomen, exactly where I carried my twin girls when I was pregnant with them 29 years ago. Neil told me that she is an adult now, and I need to let her go. I know that the only way that I am going to solve the breathing tension is to let her go. Letting her go, and letting go of all expectations of interactions between me and my daughter, is a gut wrenching thought, however, it is necessary for me to be able to breathe again. Another friend that I met in Italy told me that I need to not give up. She has been estranged from her mother for 25 years. She told me to do whatever it takes to reach my daughter and work this out. Two opposite ideas, is it possible to do both? I think so. I came back with two ways of dealing with my estrangement with my adult child. I am using both. I am working on letting her go no matter what happens. She is grown up and capable. I am working second by second to accept and embrace the fact that I may never speak to my estranged daughter again. Let me be clear, I want to have a relationship with my daughter. However, I love her enough to let her go and know that she will be fine regardless. Holding on and holding on is not the answer. I live without my parents. Though I miss my mother very much, I am fine. The same goes for my daughter. I also have to remember that I am always the parent and she is always the child, even though she is an adult. In our relationship, I will never stop being the parent. The difference is I am a parent, and I am finished parenting. As the parent, I have to lead by admitting that I did not do everything right. I made mistakes. I have to make amends for those mistakes that hurt my daughter. I am learning how to change the unhealthy patterns in my life and replace them with healthy patterns. I am slowing down enough to think things through, instead of going with reactions that may not lead me to the result that I want. Before any reconciliation can occur, if there is any reconciliation, I first have to reconcile with myself. Living with my own trauma, and being led by trauma reactions is where I have to start. Lots of things went on when I grew up. I have already talked about them. I have already dealt with them. Now it is time to set myself free from the past and the trauma. Yes, all of the trauma happened, however it is not happening now. It is time for different choices. It is time for me to reconnect myself with me. The me I have always known that is inside of my heart. I have to parent myself. I have to help myself. That is what my therapy is there to accomplish. Many of my past reactions were from panic, fear and attempting to control situations. The realization that I have no control over anything other than myself is frightening to me. The only control I have is over the thoughts that I have and the things that I do, and my own reactions towards events that I experience. I am no longer willing to trade my mental and emotional health and my dreams in order to placate what someone else wants. I admit that I did those things in the vain hope that I could control the reaction of others. I wanted the love and approval of my parents, and others in my family. I have found that it only made me more anxious and more lost than I was before. It blurred my vision and gave me a warped sense of what was really going on in my life. That is something that smacked me in my face while I was in Italy. Now, after returning, I am making the effort to change, and improve. I am taking steps to move myself into a better place. I am putting better habits in place, little by little. Before I went to Italy, I had trouble leaving my house. Now that I am home, I have found that it is easy for me to leave and I want to get out and do things. I want to build something that gives me a similar culture to what I had in Italy. That was healthy and supportive. It was and still is filled with love and joy. I know that is worth my effort. Whether my estranged adult child wants to be a part of my life or not, I want that for myself. Do I want her to be a part of it? Yes, I do. I understand I have no control over whether she will or not. When I got home, I did send my daughter a text. I asked her if she had received my email from weeks back. I sent it to apologize, in the best way I knew how at the time, for all the things I had realized I had done to contribute to the pain that she feels. I also asked her in the text if she would be open to having a conversation. There was no response. I also sent her a friendly email, nothing heavy, just to check up on her. Again, I have had no response. I am actively setting her free, and I am actively letting her know that I care whether she is in my life or not. I will not write her or text her for another long while. No badgering, no begging, no panic, no fear, no shaming or blaming myself. I have already apologized and meant it. That is enough. She is free to respond or not respond. I continue forward. Do I miss her? Yes, I do. I miss her face, her voice, and her laughter. I miss her presence. I am just finished with spending all of my energy and resources on sadness. There are many worse things in the world to be sad about. Children starving and abused. Wars and people killing each other. Disease and homelessness. The list could go on and on. My estranged daughter is safe and has all she needs. I am safe and have all that I need. My energy is better spent helping those I can help and want my help. My energy is better spent on singing and living the life I dream of living. I made different choices today that were better than yesterday. I am grateful for that. So, yes, something changed in Italy, ME. #changeinestrangement #usingmyenergyforjoy #estrangementjourney #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild