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Casablanca. One of the most famous movies of all time. A story of unrequited love. The definition of Unrequieted Love is this: " Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or returned by the beloved . Unrequited love can cause negative feelings like anxiety, pain, rejection, or heartbreak ," according to Google. This is exactly what estrangement from my adult child feels like, unrequited love. Love that is not openly reciprocated, which in turn can fill me with all the negative feelings that are mentioned in the paragraph above. The difference with estrangement is, there is hope. With enough prayer, and work on my part and Nelson's part to change, there is hope. Most estrangements resolve and that is good. It takes time to heal. As Nelson and I heal, we are going closer and stronger together. I am finding myself, probably for the first time. I am deciding what I like and what I don't like. I am learning to stand up for myself and to love the person I am. Nelson is doing the same thing. We are starting over, wiser, more aware, and more determined to make right choices. I love my husband. I am finding that I love him more and more all the time. As time goes by, (no pun intended), I can see that we are helping one another more. We are kinder to each other, more patient, and closer. Some hard situations tear people apart. This one is bringing us together. I also know, as time goes by, more healing occurs. We are just in the beginning of family therapy. My son and daughter who are not estranged attend with us. Our goal is to become better communicators with each other, and have healthier habits so that we can love and support each other. I think we are heading in that direction. Today, I saw a great statement about mercy, as I did my bible study and prayer time. It described mercy as an act of kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and favor. It is when we will sit and listen to someone else, and instead of taking offense at what they say, we extend compassion, give reprieve from any punishment. We cover the situation with love and favor. I know that I was not perfect as a mother, and Nelson was not perfect as a dad. In family therapy, I know that I will hear my children tell me about situations that happened within our family that caused them pain. I have to show mercy and compassion. It will be very uncomfortable, and I will cry. I have never wanted to cause them pain. No child comes out unscathed from their childhood. I am broken, Nelson is broken. Everyone is a broken, flawed human being. We all have things from our childhood that pained us. We all have ways that our parents hurt us. Sometimes we get the opportunity to express it to them, sometimes the opportunity passes us. I want my adult children to have the opportunity to let me know how they were hurt. I want to listen to them and show them compassion. I want to let them know I love them and I care what happened to them. It doesn't matter if I agree, or even remember. What matters is that I listen and let them know I am listening and that I always will listen and care about what they care about. I hear stories about others, who are also in an estrangement with their adult child, or children. Some of these stories are so sad. They are stories of parents, whether it is one or both, that will not accept their part in their estrangement with their adult child. They won't accept it, even while they are working in family therapy to mend their family's issue. It is discouraging to the spouse who wants to mend their relationship with their adult child. What is the point in going to family therapy, or to any type of therapy if you have already decided that you aren't going to do the work, and are going to remain stuck and defensive? Why bother, if you are going to staunchly stand on the quicksand of, "I'm right and your wrong!" Or..."This is the way my parents did it, so this is the way I am going to do it!" From my perspective, I can see your pain. I can see how no one ever listened to you, or showed you compassion and mercy and love. That is why you don't know how to show it to your own adult child. The longer time goes by, the more I learn and want to go in the opposite direction of where my parents were when I grew up, and even where I was when my adult children were growing up. I do not ever want to walk that road again. I am different now. I have changed, and honestly, I like the changes I am making. I like the changes that Nelson is making. We are getting better each day. "Here's Looking At you, Kid." Casablanca. That is the famous line from the movie. It is a way of saying, "Goodbye." It is a toast. I say it because I am toasting the past and all its awful, terrible, wonderful beauty. It taught me who I am, and who I want to be now. It is time to make friends with my new present and future. Mercy, grace, healing, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, love, and gentleness, please lead the way. Light the path, and helps us to be better today and tomorrow. God is good, as time goes by. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us know how you are doing. We want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #familytherapy #compassion #selfcare #casablanca #classicmovies #tinagilbertson #reconnectionclub #relationships

I was listening to the "Reconnection Club," Podcast with host, Tina Gilbertson, this morning as I was getting ready to go to Nelson's office to assist him. I listen to this podcast on YouTube. This particular podcast's subject was, "How to Process a Letter from Your Estranged Adult Child." I listened carefully to the advice she was giving. She is a really great therapist. I like hearing what she has to say on estrangement and the encouragement she gives to parents. She has a way of explaining the issues that cause estrangement from the side of the adult child, however, she gives solid suggestions parents to inspire parents to seek the help they need from a good therapist and have compassion and empathy for the estranged adult child. I understand, that if you are like me, the initial reaction to the estrangement is, "Why do I have to change? I didn't do anything to provoke this situation! I am the one that is hurt and rejected!" You are not wrong your feelings are valid. However, if we sincerely hope to have a relationship with our estranged adult child again then we have to take a look in the mirror and decide that if having a connection with our adult child is worth the effort to change. I believe that it is. When I first read the letter that our estranged adult daughter finally sent, I was devastated. Since the day she stopped talking to us, I have been reeling from the rejection and disconnection. I have gone through so many emotions. I have screamed and cried and wailed. I have grieved and mourned. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. They come in waves. My anxiety has soared. The only good thing about the letter is that she asked us to not communicate to her at all. No emails, letters, texts. Nothing. As painful as it is, Nelson and I respect her boundaries. Why is this a good thing? It has given me time to do further research. What I have found is that it is just fine for me to feel my emotions. When I was little, I was constantly told I was too emotional. I was asked to not be so sensitive. I was told I could be angry all I wanted to as long as nobody knew it. I learned to stop expressing myself. I learned to hide what I wanted and what I was feeling. I began to criticize myself for the feelings that I have. I have trouble accepting them. For a while, I didn't want to feel anything at all. I pretty much only felt fear and anxiety. Now, I am learning that it is fine for me to feel my emotions. It is normal in an estrangement with an adult child to feel rejected, angry, resentment, sadness, depression, despair, sorrow, grief, loss, separation, fear and anxiety. The list of emotions can go on and on. I can allow myself to feel these things and to embrace the fact that I feel them. The question remains, "What do I do with all these emotions and how can I express them in a way that is healthy and beneficial to me as I navigate the treacherous waters of estrangement? Here are some things I have found work for me. First, I pause, and use box breathing. Box breathing is a technique in which you breathe in through your nose for a count of 5, and then out through the mouth for a count of 5. I do this for 5 minutes. I then use a distraction or something that will help me self-soothe. My favorite distraction is to clean out my refrigerator. Cleaning out the frige, helps me to do something physical, take inventory of what I need to nourish myself and my husband, and do a productive activity. It helps me to move forward. Going to the gym, helps me to do another physical activity that gives me an avenue to take out my anger and frustration. It lowers the cortisol in my body, which helps relieve my anxiety. My self-soothing activities include going to a coffee shop, walking my dogs, crying, journaling, singing, and talking with a friend. I used to carry so much shame for the things that I felt. I would tell myself, "You shouldn't feel that way." Here is the thing, I feel what I feel and that is o.k. To take a BIG pause and do something to give me distance and perspective from the overwhelming waves of emotion that I feel is a healthy way of giving me the space and time I need to process. I don't want to take out my emotions on Nelson or anyone. I have also learned that it may take weeks of this kind of emotional processing before I am ready to move forward, and that is ok. too. Being patient with myself is the point. Allowing myself to feel what I feel and accept it, is the best thing I can do. That is caring for myself. That is loving myself. One of the hardest parts of estrangement is not being able to do anything about it. Since I cannot change the situation, I am doing what I can do. I can change me. Nelson and I can change our relationship and our circumstance, and live out the dreams that we have had together. We don't have to stop our lives at all. We can continue to improve. We had dreams together before the estrangement occurred. They are worthy dreams and we might as well work towards making them a reality. We don't have anything to lose. It will only be gain. What emotion am I feeling right now? Joy. I am feeling joy and satisfaction knowing that I am doing things I love to do and working towards my own dreams and goals, despite this thing called estrangement. God is still good, always. I trust He will guide us through. Please know you loved and enough. Comment below and let us know your story. We would love to hear from you. #estrangement #reconnectionclub #tinagilbertson #estrangementwithadultchild #cleanyourrefrigerator

Estrangement...What is there to say? We keep walking, we keep going, we fill our time. We let go of any and all weight that holds us down and keeps us back from being the best possible people and parents we can become. We pray a lot. We keep loving and keep growing. Right now I am reading a book called, "The Body Keep the Score," by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. It describes how stress and anxiety, especially extreme stress, anxiety, and trauma, contribute to our health issues. I believe that it does. That is why it is very important for Nelson and I to not look to quick fixes to alleviate the stress of estrangement. I find it amusing that when an adult child chooses to cut off communication with their parents, (specifically, our estranged adult child), they cite their own pain and the need to remove themselves from it. What it leaves is pain and anxiety for the parents to deal with and get through. The estranged adult child is dealing with their past pain. The parents of an estranged adult child are dealing with the pain of the present, the past, and the future. It is a long road to travel. Nothing in this estrangement will be quick. It is Mid-August already. Before you know it, September will be here and we will be headed into Fall and the holiday season. From what we have learned so far about dealing with estrangement, we have to go very slow in making decisions. We have to make sure that nothing we do comes from an emotional place. That doesn't mean we are turning off our emotions, it just means that we have to put distance between our emotions and our decisions. We have to do things deliberately. Being asked to not contact or communicate in any way, by our estranged adult daughter, makes thinking about the coming seasons difficult. We are not taking our decisions lightly. We do not want anything we decide to come from a snap emotional decision, or from feelings of rejection and hurt. There is a lot of self-control involved. It turns minutes into hours, and hours into days. Time seems to move slowly. I don't know if that is bad or good. I guess it is neither. Going in slow motion gives you the chance to ask yourself how you feel, and then decide the healthiest way to choose what to do. That is how you apply wisdom to your life. I am learning to allow myself to process my emotions, and then choose what I want, even if that means I have to wait weeks before I make a choice. Being driven by an emotional response is never a wise choice. Being patient with yourself is the wise choice. There are a lot of pit stops on this long road. There are also Scenic View places. I think I want to stop at all of them. The pit stops are areas in my life where I can pull over to learn and take care of myself. The Scenic View places are areas where I can take a look at everything with perspective. I am slowing accepting that the longer road is best. Here's to the long road. Too many times in life we want to take shortcuts to keep ourselves from being inconvenienced. Every once in a while we need to meander, look at the sites, feel the air, and smell the flowers. If the body keeps the score, we want our score to be low. The longer we take, the more we enjoy. If our estranged adult daughter ever returns, I want her to know I have enjoyed my time while she was away. I want her to know that we have built something wonderful while she was gone. I want things to be different. I want to see that the long road has taken Nelson and I to a new and beautiful place. That is the best we can do. Please know that you are loved and enough. Nelson and I pray for you daily. Please leave a comment and let us know how you are doing. We would love to hear from you. #thelongroad #scenicview #estrangement #estranementwithadultchild #mentalhealth

Over the past few days, we have been very busy. I have gone to Nashville, Tennessee with my friend, Preston, where I worked with students and had dinner with a dear, dear friend. When I returned home, I went to the office with Nelson. I am assisting him with his work. Having an assistant at his job really helps and once I get everything learned, I know we will work well together. I really want to see him succeed and we always wanted to work together. I have every moment of the day busy right now. I run a Scentsy business as well, which I love. I like the smells and atmosphere that Scentsy adds to everything. Reaching out to people about Scentsy keeps me busy as well. Of course, I have my singing and my students. There is a lot going on. I have also added an adult ballet class that starts September 9th. Things to look forward to, things to build and keep me busy. I feel productive again. I feel like I have a purpose. I can feel the darkness lifting, and light starting to pour into our lives again. It is all becoming, "Water Under the Bridge." Rivers flow under bridges. They are constantly moving. When leaves drop on the water, they float with the current, never stopping, continuously moving. Just like the moments of our lives. Each leaf reaches the bridge, and then travels under and continues on, until it is out of our sight. It is necessary to watch the moments of our lives come and go. It can be a painful, but good thing. I am glad that nothing is permanent. I am glad that God is with me and is walking me through this estrangement with my adult child. I know He cares and He has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding. I have let all the cares and problems go that were holding me back and haunting me. I know my estranged adult child is in the hands of God and I can lay all of it down at His feet. I no longer have to carry that weight. As the river keeps flowing, time flows by as well. Neither Nelson, nor I will be in the same place that we started. We keep moving forward. I know our estranged daughter is doing them same. If we ever resolve this family issue, we will not recognize one another, and we will not be the same. I know Nelson and I are changing and that we are changing for the good. I pray our estranged daughter is doing the same. Probably out of everything, the best decision we all have made so far is to go to family therapy. It has put Nelson and I in the position to face some things and make some decisions that have cleared the way for our family to be stronger. I would recommend family therapy for anyone who is going through estrangement with their adult child. If your adult child has made the decision to cut off communication with you, then you have a problem that needs to be worked on. This is true whether you want to admit it or not. You may not get your estranged adult child to go to family therapy with you, however, it is there if they one day choose to join. Nelson and I go with our son and our other daughter. If our estranged daughter chooses to join us one day, she is more than welcome. I have to say, I suspect it will be harder on her at that point, due to the fact that we have moved on, just like the leaves flowing under the bridge. I am praying she will have moved on at that point too. I love to watch water flowing. Rivers and lakes are my favorite. Living near a river fills me with much peace. I love walking along the river here in Chattanooga, where we live. It is peaceful and beautiful. I always end up in the Arts District and I walk around the Sculpture Garden. As I pass under the archway to enter the garden, I walk into a section surrounded by beautiful shrubs and in this area is a beautiful sculpture of the Prodigal Son. It depicts the father, embracing the son, after his return. Tears always stream down my face as I contemplate this sculpture. It never gets old to study. It gives me hope. This garden overlooks the Tennessee River, and you can see Veterans Bridge and the river flowing under it. Again, water under the bridge. It is my view, and I am better for it. Please know that you are loved and are enough. Nelson and I are praying for you daily. Please leave a comment below. We want to hear your story. #waterunderthebridge #walnutstreetbridge #chattanooga #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth

The photo attached to this blog is Olympic Gold Medalist and fellow Chattanoogan, Olivia Reeves. We are very proud of her here in Chattanooga. Weightlifting is not an easy thing to do, it takes strength and endurance. It is the same with estrangement. When you are estranged from your adult child, it feels like a weight that you carry every single day. Although, no matter what you do, no one gives you a gold medal. However, today, Nelson and I had a talk with my son, Jacob. Jacob is very wise and thoughtful. He has a beautiful heart. Even though our conversation was very difficult, we handled it with good communication, and the attitude that listening is the best option. It was not an easy talk. We allowed Jacob to express himself over the subject matter, and tell us his feelings. We validated everything he said. In the end, we had turned a major corner. He is going to work out some of these emotions he expressed with his therapist, and in our family therapy. It is the first time is almost a year that I feel the, "Weight Lifting," and that everything is going to be ok. We still have a long way to go on this journey. There will be a lot of listening that will need to be done by us for the benefit of my adult children. I think that listening and validating my son's feelings was key. I gave no excuses, and neither did Nelson. The reasons behind anything we did in the past were not important. That is something better left for times that we are in Family Therapy. For the first time since this whole estrangement began, I feel hope. I do not feel that I am such a failure as a mom. I feel more like a human with flaws and failures just like anyone else and I can move forward knowing that the bulk of the weight is gone. I still will need to workout, and be ready for any extra weight added, and so will Nelson. We both feel more equipped and stronger. I know the family therapy is going to help and that together we will all be better and stronger. Tomorrow morning, I go to Nashville where I will work with students and have dinner with a very good friend. I am going with my friend, Preston. I am grateful to him for always being with me and supporting me. Preston has a celebratory dinner to attend. We are going to have a good time. I feel more freedom now. I am so very grateful to God. God walked us through a difficult conversation today, and protected us all. He will never leave us, nor forsake us. I am also grateful and truly blessed to have a son who today, showed me how strong that he is. If anyone is a champion in life, it is him. I am amazed at his heart. Thank you God for the blessing of him. Please remember that you are loved, and you are enough. We are here to support you. Comment below and let us hear from you. God bless you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #sonsareawesome #oliviareeves #weightlifting #godisgood

perseverance ˌpər-sə-ˈvir-ən(t)s NOUN continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness- Miriam-Webster Dictionary I read the word perseverance in a Bible Verse today. " Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. " James 1:12 NIV Seeing this verse, I knew God was speaking to me. He was reminding me to keep going and persevere under this trial. This heartbreaking situation. All I want to do is stay in the house and not go out. The opposite has to happen. I have to keep going and live the life I have been given. It is hard to stay motivated when you feel that your life suddenly and drastically changed, and it is all beyond your control. I know that I am not the same as I was a year ago. There are days that I feel like I am just so tired. Still, I find a way to go on, to rebuild and keep walking through this terrible situation. Nelson and I are just in the beginning. We are learning and growing together. Tomorrow morning we have our 2nd family therapy session. This one will just be Nelson and me. I have no idea what will happen. The family therapist wanted to see us by ourselves, and then she wants to meet with our son and other daughter. I will know more in the morning, when we get to the appointment. Honestly, I feel like crawling in a hole. I don't want to crawl in a hole because I am afraid of going, I just feel so badly about the whole situation that I just don't know what else to do. The answer is this, fail and fail again. That is the story of perseverance. You fail, the you get up and keep going. You ask yourself, "What did I learn from this failure?" No matter what, I have to keep going, and working on the things that I love and make me happy. Although, I have to say, not much makes me happy right now. I wonder if I will ever feel happy again. I still have to work, and learn more music, and create more art. That is perseverance, to continue going, even when you don't feel like it. Even when you feel like nothing makes you feel better. You keep going and keep working at it, because you still have hope that eventually, you will feel better and you will find yourself happy again. That is perseverance. Doing something anyway, knowing that you are doing the right thing, staying on the right path, regardless of how you feel, regardless of how weary the road gets, or how discouraged you are because you haven't seen things work out the way you want them to be, yet. Yet, is the word. I keep going. Nelson and I keep going. I think it takes the most courage to keep going in the face of heartbreak. I don't feel like I have the strength of heart to keep going, to keep singing, to keep living my life. Just because I don't feel like I can keep going doesn't mean that I won't keep going. I will. Even though I feel as though I am scraping the bottom of the barrel, I will. This is how it is when you have an estranged adult child. Estrangement is a thief. It steals from you and tries to take away your confidence and your peace of mind. It is a tool of the enemy. I hate it. I am thankful that God is good, and He reminds me to keep going and persevere. He reminds me that I have already overcome in this world. He reminds me that He will never leave me or forsake me, no matter where I find myself in this estrangement. Please remember that you are loved and you are enough. We are praying for you everyday. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #perseverance #keepgoing #mentalhealth

I apologize, I'm told, stop apologizing, it isn't an apology that is needed. I listen, I'm told I'm not listening. After 5 years of Trauma Therapy, I still don't have enough tools. I have tools to deal with some things. I am getting better in that way. I have the tools to deal with anxiety attacks. I have tools to deal with self-destructive behaviour. I have tools to speak clearly about what I am feeling, before I get angry. Nelson and I have worked on so many different things, and we are doing well, and getting better all the time. With all of this, I still am faced with not being able to communicate well with my adult daughter that is speaking to us. I am exhausted. I am not giving up, I just realize it is time for me to rest. I recognize that I am still in many ways, resisting the idea that there is nothing to do. There is genuinely nothing to be done. As our new Family Therapist said last week, "Sometimes there is nothing to do." The decision has been made, the change has already occurred, like it or not. I am now only causing myself pain, in a situation that no longer has to be painful. Isn't that what we do? Instead of just embracing change as it happens, we go into resistance mode and cause our own pain. We continue to hold on to the pain. When my son died in 1993, I relived the last moments of his life over and over in my mind. I was attempting to change it. The change had already occurred. It took me a while to accept the circumstance of his death. It was extremely hard. I resisted the change. He was alive one minute and dead the next. I didn't want him to be dead. I tried to stay in the last moments of his life. No matter what, the change had already occurred. There was nothing to do, just like now. Maybe it was easier to accept because he did die. My estranged adult child is not dead. She has removed herself from my life. Feelings of betrayal, rejection, and abandonment linger, like the smell of spoiled food on a hot day. You just want to get rid of that smell. You have to open the windows and allow the smell to escape and dissipate. It takes time. There are days when my patience runs thin. As I write this, I realize that I am punishing myself. Maybe, just maybe, it is me that needs to forgive me. I cannot resist the change anymore. The dynamic of my relationship with my adult daughters, most specifically, my estranged adult daughter has changed. Resistance is futile. It is time. I did not enjoy the conversation I had with my other daughter today. I think I just need to give myself a break. I wish that break meant I was going to Bali for a month. I think I will settle for walks along the river, and a trip to Nashville with my friend, Preston. I will also continue to go to the gym. The pain will stop when I stop resisting the situation. There is nothing more I can do. I thank God for carrying the burden for me. This one is just too heavy. Please know we are praying for you, and that you are loved and enough. #estrangement #resistanceinestrangement #parentproblems #estrangemenwithadultchild #mentalhealth #healingabrokenheart

When God created the Heavens and the Earth, it came from nothing. It was just a void. Emptiness. He spoke and each day that went by something new was created. He still is in the creation business. When my heart feels like a void, God is creating something new and He will fill it with new life, just like He did in the beginning. Nelson and I were at church this morning and everything I heard today went straight into my heart. It started last night when I was speaking with my friend, Eugene. He reminded me that right now is the time, and we do not have forever. He told me it would be a real loss, if I did not take every opportunity I could to use my voice to its fullest potential. While I was at church God was talking me through everything that was said. When we are stripped of everything, and we have sinned and fallen so short of God's Glory, when we have blown it in ways we could not ever have imagined, God is still there in the darkness with us. God still loves us and is going to pull us out of the pit we are in. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He doesn't tell us He will remove the consequences of our sin, however, He does promise to walk beside us and hold our hand. We just have to ask for forgiveness and keep our eyes on Him. What Nelson and I are finding out is that when God creates something new, we have a lot of work to do. We have to follow His plans, listen to His voice, and build on the solid rock hard ground that He provides. The funny thing about rock is that it is HARD! In order to build on it you have to dig your foundation in it. I don't know what you think, or what experiences you have had with building, usually you dig your foundation out of dirt, put down cinder blocks and pour concrete. God wants us to have something better. When we are building something with him, you have to carve it out of solid rock. That takes time, and effort on your part. The building doesn't have a crew of workers. It is just you and Jesus, chipping away, day by day. Sometimes you don't even know what you are building or if it is even worth it. Right now, Nelson and I are chipping away every day. I don't know about Nelson; I feel overwhelmed just about everyday. I have made a commitment to finish. This heart of mine will be different this time. It will be stronger and better. When I feel overwhelmed and can't get my mind off of the issues with my estranged adult child, I am going to work on an aria. The harder the better. I have self-sabotaged and procrastinated, and self deprecated long enough. God has something bigger and better in store for me. Facing the fears and doing the tedious work is what I have to do now. God has called me to it. It is hard to realize that I was so off track for so long. I love my children. I love them so much that they became my stumbling block and I was their stumbling block as well. I want better for myself and for them. As Eugene pointed out to me, never walk away from what you are called to do, you will regret it. I am grateful that God has given me a second chance. If any of this resonates with you, please know we are here to listen. Comment below and let us hear from you. Know you are loved and are enough. We are praying for you. Please pray for us too. #revelation21:5 #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth

Are you a parent struggling with the pain of estrangement from your adult child? We are parents that are struggling with the pain of estrangement from our adult daughter. The journey of healing from estrangement can be arduous and complex, but there is a path towards recovery that incorporates something you may have overlooked—doing what you love. In this blog post, we delve into the healing power of embracing your passions and interests as a way to navigate the challenging terrain of estrangement recovery. Understanding the Pain of Estrangement Estrangement from a child can evoke a wide range of emotions, from deep sorrow and anger to confusion and guilt. The sense of loss and longing can be overwhelming, leaving parents grappling with a mix of emotions that are difficult to process. It's essential to acknowledge and validate these feelings as a crucial step towards healing. The Healing Power of Doing What You Love One often underutilized tool in the process of estrangement recovery is engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether it's rediscovering an old hobby, exploring a new passion, or immersing yourself in creative pursuits, doing what you love can act as a healing balm for the soul. For me, singing is a balm for my soul, and since our children are grown and it is just Nelson and I in our home, (along with our dogs), I can use this time to pursue my singing career in a way that I was not free to do before. If you have an empty nest, and are going through estrangement with an adult child, you can use this time to pursue an unfulfilled dream. Benefits of Pursuing Your Passions Coping Mechanism: Engaging in activities you love serves as a healthy coping mechanism, helping you manage stress and anxiety associated with estrangement. Sense of Purpose: Pursuing your passions gives you a sense of purpose and fulfillment outside of the estranged relationship, fostering personal growth and self-discovery. Emotional Outlet: Creative expression through art, music, writing, or other hobbies can serve as a powerful emotional outlet, allowing you to channel your feelings in a constructive way. Unleashing Creativity in the Face of Adversity Creativity knows no bounds and has the remarkable ability to flourish even in the midst of adversity. Whether it's painting, gardening, cooking, or dancing, immersing yourself in creative endeavors can spark inner healing and renewal. Volunteering your time with an organization can help as well. Researching and searching for something you love, that has nothing to do with your estranged adult child can help in discovering your sense of self, and help you create the life you want outside of being a parent. Embracing Your Creativity Art Therapy: Expressing your emotions through art can be a therapeutic way to release pent-up feelings and gain insights into your inner world. Writing as Catharsis: Keeping a journal, writing poetry, or engaging in storytelling can provide an outlet for processing complex emotions and experiences. Exploring New Horizons: Trying new creative outlets can open up new pathways for healing and self-discovery, offering fresh perspectives on your journey towards estrangement recovery. Giving Yourself the Gift of You We were all created by God with gifts that only we can do. There is no one else on this earth like you and there never will be again. I am the only person that can sing the way I sing and do what I can with my voice. It is up to me to work on that and keep learning and discovering more avenues in which to us that gift. The gift I am giving myself is the dedicated and committed time and effort to learn the music, learn the languages, workout, get into shape, love the sound of my voice, and join the community of singers in which I am a part. Surrounding myself with like-minded people is very healing and helpful. If not now, when? There will never be a better time for me. I can do nothing about the decisions my estranged adult child makes. I can do something about the decisions I make and go after the dream I have had since childhood. It is the healthiest and best gift I can give myself. You can do the same for yourself. Embracing the Journey of Healing In the midst of estrangement, it's easy to lose sight of yourself amidst the pain and heartache. However, by embracing what you love, whether it's a long-lost hobby, a newfound passion, or a creative pursuit, you can embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery that transcends the confines of estrangement. Remember, healing is a gradual process, and every step you take towards doing what you love is a step towards reclaiming your joy and resilience. So, as you navigate the path of estrangement recovery, remember to infuse your journey with the healing power of your passions and interests. Embrace creativity, nurture your soul, and let what you love guide you towards a place of healing and wholeness. Let your passions be the compass that leads you back to yourself. Don't forget that you are a person that is worthy of love and joy. You are unique, and you are enough. God loves you and we do too, be blessed. #estrangement #dowhatyoulove #recovery #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalandemotionalhealth

Estrangement in 2024 has become a complex and widespread issue affecting families worldwide. The emotional toll that estrangement from adult children can take on parents is profound and often underestimated. As parents grapple with feelings of grief, guilt, and confusion, it is essential to explore coping strategies that can provide support and guidance through this challenging journey. This is why Nelson and I both have an individual therapist, as well as, attending family therapy. Understanding the Emotional Toll The experience of estrangement can evoke a range of intense emotions for parents. Feelings of heartbreak, rejection, and loss are common and can lead to significant psychological distress, as well as, cause trauma to the parents. Parents may struggle with self-blame, questioning where they went wrong or what they could have done differently. The uncertainty of not knowing if or when reconciliation might occur adds to the emotional burden, fostering a sense of helplessness and despair. It is our experience that each of these afore listed descriptions of the emotional struggle during estrangement are valid, and also vary between the two parents. They vary because each person in a couple are different, and react with different responses to the same estrangement. Coping Strategies for Parents 1. Seek Support 2. Practice Self-Compassion 3. Set Boundaries 4. Focus on Personal Growth 5. Educate Yourself 6. Practice Mindfulness Moving Forward While coping with estrangement can be an arduous journey, it is crucial for parents to remember that they are not alone in their experiences. By implementing coping strategies and seeking support, parents can navigate the emotional toll of estrangement more effectively and begin to heal from the pain it brings. Remember, kindness towards yourself is key in this process of healing and acceptance. I am working on kindness towards myself and towards Nelson daily. We are in a grieving process and we have to remember that when dealing with each other. The emotional toll of estrangement in 2024 is a significant issue that requires nuanced strategies for parents to cope effectively. By understanding the complexities of estrangement, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, parents can navigate this challenging experience with resilience and grace. We recommend listening to The Reconnection Club Podcast on YouTube, by Dr. Tina Gilbertson. Her book, "Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child" is a terrific resource. We also recommend, "Rules of Estrangement," by Joshua Coleman. Nelson and I want to strongly encourage anyone going through estrangement with their adult child to seek a great therapist, and a great family therapist. We need to understand and learn to improve ourselves in order for reconnection to take place. Without changing ourselves, we cannot expect our adult child to want to cross the divide and meet us in the middle. If we do not do the self-reflection and research needed, then understanding the complexities of estrangement will not occur. It truly requires dropping your pride, being vulnerable and open to change in your mind, heart, and spirit. Remember: you are worthy of love and understanding, even amidst the pain of estrangement. Our aim for this blog post is to provide parents with adult children experiencing estrangement in 2024 with valuable insights and coping strategies to help them navigate this emotional journey. As we are experiencing an estrangement with our own adult child, and are working through our owns struggles during this season of our lives, we want this to be a place of safety and encouragement to other parents who find themselves in the same situation. Please know that we are sharing as we learn on a daily basis. We are charting a real time journey. Feel free to comment below, we would love to hear from you. #estranged #mentalhealth #estrangedparentsandadultchildren #estrangement #rejectedparents #estrangementawareness

As my husband and I navigate ourselves through the treacherous waters of estrangement with our adult child, we are learning a lot. Mostly by trial and error. Some things we have tried have helped and some things have failed miserably. Still we keep going, and work to keep hope. Truthfully, Nelson is much better at remaining hopeful than I am. I have to work at it. It is very easy for me to fall into a deep ditch of negativity. I have to find ways to preempt situations and make a plan to take care of myself, so that I do not fall into a negative mindset. Knowing these things help us to move forward and become more compassionate and kind to each other during this time of loss, growing, grieving, and reconstructing. We thought that we would let you in on 5 things we have learned over the past few months about estrangement. Estrangement Can Come Out of Nowhere Each person in a family have different thoughts and perspectives on how they experience different events that happen within a family. Sometimes it can be divorce. Sometimes it can be a death in the family. Sometimes it can be financial strain that puts pressure on the parents in the household. All families have dysfunction, and most handle the stress and pressure just fine. However, that is not the case with all families. A large percentage of parents that go through an estrangement with an adult child, are loving, caring, involved parents. That is why estrangement can be so devastating and shocking. Our gut reaction is to take action and fix the issue as quickly as possible. We feel that if we do not fix it quickly, then the gap will grow larger. That is not always the best option. Be Prepared to Take Full Responsibility Regardless of the situation, we are still parents and they are still our children. Ultimately, that makes us responsible. We have to face the storm. It will be hard, and you will feel that it is unfair. However, if you want to reconcile, doing the work and research and therapy needed, then full responsibility must be taken by the parent. Just like if a football team loses, it is the fault of the coach, the bucks stops with us as parents. It really doesn't matter what you think, or how hurt you feel. For us, we love our children unconditionally and realize that in every relationship there are two sides. I am not saying that the parents are to blame for all of the estrangement. What I am saying is that we have to be ready and willing to take full responsibility and dig deep to realize our part in the situation and the pain it caused our adult child. We have to admit that we are human, flawed, and make huge mistakes no matter how much we love our child. Do Not Explain or Give Excuses for Your Mistakes Nelson and I have learned that the reasons behind why we made the mistakes we made and the hurt it caused doesn't matter. Our adult estranged child does not want to hear it. What she wants is to know she is heard and that we are listening to her. She wants us to care about her pain, as do our other adult children who are not estranged. Just listen and acknowledge their pain and be genuinely remorseful for your part in it. That is what we are having to do. Get Yourself into Therapy We do not need a vacation, we need our family to be whole. Change your plans, re-route your money and get yourself into therapy. We go to individual therapy. My husband has a therapist, and I have a Trauma Therapist. We have just started with a Family Therapist as well. I also do other therapies to help myself cope and not take into myself the deep hurt that my adult children may or may not be having. This is very important to my healing process. Make no mistake, if you have an adult estranged child, you need to heal, not just your adult child. You are part of the problem and your healing from their choice to become estranged, and from whatever else contributed is necessary for reconnection to occur in a healthy way. Estrangement is caused mainly by unhealthy relationship habits and unhealthy boundaries. Those have to be addressed. Be Prepared to Do A lot of the Work Alone Yes, we all need support, however, our healing is ours and ours alone. It is between me and God. It is between you and God. We have to be willing to practice our new healthier practices, our habits need to change. Talk therapy is great. It is nothing without our effort to work on better habits. Walk, run, lift weights, swim, journal, meditate, go on a retreat alone, pray, get massages, do DBT, do EMDR, do whatever your pain tells you it needs to heal. Just heal, and live happier and healthier. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Heal for yourself and your family. Everything will take care of itself. Know that Nelson and I pray every single day for our family and for our own healing. In the process, we are praying for you as well. Please comment and let us know how you are doing. We would love to hear from you. #5thingsyoudidnotknowaboutestrangement #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #familytherapy #healing #estrangementandtherapy

Today was our family's first day of family therapy. All in all, I think it went pretty well. I'm not gonna lie. It was hard, or at least it was hard on me. It wasn't hard because I was blamed for everything. It was hard to hear my adult children share their concerns and desires for our family. They were not angry, just sharing concerns. We all seem to have the same goal, which is to be able to function with mutual respect and healthy communication. I think that is good that we have something in common. What was truly interesting was to understand that each one of us have a different perspective on the same subject. That is what needs to be worked through and discussed. To learn how to listen and hear what the other person is saying and to validate that they feel the way they feel, even if you do not agree, is probably the biggest issue that all of us face. When I say, "all of us," I am referring to the entire human race. Within every family there is a culture. Sometimes the rules are clear within that culture, and sometimes the rules get muddled by other factors, such as a death in the family, or someone getting severely injured. Drugs and alcohol can be a disrupting factor. Whatever the situation, the disruption can be very confusing and devastating. Especially since, as in our family's case, there are 5 people involved. Where there are 5 people, there are 5 opinions, and 5 different ways of looking at the situation and 5 different ways of processing. Is there a right way as a parent to help your children cope, as well as, yourself? Honestly, I think there are multiple right ways. To be transparent, did I look for the right ways, or was I just trying to survive? I believe I was trying to survive. In the process, that in itself, contributed to the disruption of our family culture. I didn't consider family therapy. I didn't consider a lot of things. I am still reeling from the consequences of the decisions that I made during that time, and the pain it caused to my adult children. What I am finding out is that family therapy is necessary. I was very uncomfortable today. I know that over the next little while, I am going to continue being uncomfortable. It is going to take a lot of time for each of us. One thing that did come out, is that each one of us is committed to becoming a better, stronger, healthier family. We were all there for the best interest of ourselves and each other. So...Each session, each assignment, each, day will get better. Nothing of any worth comes without pain. As Nelson and I walk through this with our family, I know that working on myself and dealing with what I need to alone, is even more important. I have to take care of myself, and listen to God and the pain so that I can release more trauma. I think we all have to do that for ourselves. I have spent an entire lifetime, only taking care of others, and being told that anything I did for myself was selfish. That was drilled into me as a small child. Now, I know that this is not true. Taking time for myself is very important. Another thing I noticed is how differently we all processed certain situations that we spoke about today. The therapist asked a lot of questions. She wanted to evaluate where we each were so that she can best help us. As we each answered the questions, we each had our own take on what we thought. There were a few things that we were the same with, and then there were things we each thought very differently about. It is very interesting how we can be under the same roof, and in the same family, and experience the same event very differently. That is what has to be taken into consideration. That is the very hard part. As we navigate through our family therapy together, I will have more on how it is going and what Nelson and I are learning about ourselves and our adult children. I want to make it clear that only two of our adult children are in attendance. Our estranged adult child is not. Will she ever join us? I have no idea. I do know that the 4 of us will be better for attending. That is enough for now. Please comment below with your own thoughts if you wish. I would love to hear from you. My goal for this blog is to tell you our journey of healing, and hopefully others will find a place for support. Please realize that this is a safe space, and any negative comments will be deleted. Until tomorrow...Be blessed. #estrangementandfamilytherapy #familytherapy #estrangement #selfcare #estrangementwithadultchild