As Time Goes By...

Casablanca. One of the most famous movies of all time. A story of unrequited love. The definition of Unrequieted Love is this: "Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or returned by the beloved. Unrequited love can cause negative feelings like anxiety, pain, rejection, or heartbreak," according to Google.

This is exactly what estrangement from my adult child feels like, unrequited love. Love that is not openly reciprocated, which in turn can fill me with all the negative feelings that are mentioned in the paragraph above. The difference with estrangement is, there is hope. With enough prayer, and work on my part and Nelson's part to change, there is hope. Most estrangements resolve and that is good. It takes time to heal.

As Nelson and I heal, we are going closer and stronger together. I am finding myself, probably for the first time. I am deciding what I like and what I don't like. I am learning to stand up for myself and to love the person I am. Nelson is doing the same thing. We are starting over, wiser, more aware, and more determined to make right choices. I love my husband. I am finding that I love him more and more all the time. As time goes by, (no pun intended), I can see that we are helping one another more. We are kinder to each other, more patient, and closer. Some hard situations tear people apart. This one is bringing us together. I also know, as time goes by, more healing occurs. We are just in the beginning of family therapy. My son and daughter who are not estranged attend with us. Our goal is to become better communicators with each other, and have healthier habits so that we can love and support each other. I think we are heading in that direction.

Today, I saw a great statement about mercy, as I did my bible study and prayer time. It described mercy as an act of kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and favor. It is when we will sit and listen to someone else, and instead of taking offense at what they say, we extend compassion, give reprieve from any punishment. We cover the situation with love and favor. I know that I was not perfect as a mother, and Nelson was not perfect as a dad. In family therapy, I know that I will hear my children tell me about situations that happened within our family that caused them pain. I have to show mercy and compassion. It will be very uncomfortable, and I will cry. I have never wanted to cause them pain. No child comes out unscathed from their childhood. I am broken, Nelson is broken. Everyone is a broken, flawed human being. We all have things from our childhood that pained us. We all have ways that our parents hurt us. Sometimes we get the opportunity to express it to them, sometimes the opportunity passes us. I want my adult children to have the opportunity to let me know how they were hurt. I want to listen to them and show them compassion. I want to let them know I love them and I care what happened to them. It doesn't matter if I agree, or even remember. What matters is that I listen and let them know I am listening and that I always will listen and care about what they care about.

I hear stories about others, who are also in an estrangement with their adult child, or children. Some of these stories are so sad. They are stories of parents, whether it is one or both, that will not accept their part in their estrangement with their adult child. They won't accept it, even while they are working in family therapy to mend their family's issue. It is discouraging to the spouse who wants to mend their relationship with their adult child. What is the point in going to family therapy, or to any type of therapy if you have already decided that you aren't going to do the work, and are going to remain stuck and defensive? Why bother, if you are going to staunchly stand on the quicksand of, "I'm right and your wrong!" Or..."This is the way my parents did it, so this is the way I am going to do it!" From my perspective, I can see your pain. I can see how no one ever listened to you, or showed you compassion and mercy and love. That is why you don't know how to show it to your own adult child.

The longer time goes by, the more I learn and want to go in the opposite direction of where my parents were when I grew up, and even where I was when my adult children were growing up. I do not ever want to walk that road again. I am different now. I have changed, and honestly, I like the changes I am making. I like the changes that Nelson is making. We are getting better each day.

"Here's Looking At you, Kid." Casablanca. That is the famous line from the movie. It is a way of saying, "Goodbye." It is a toast. I say it because I am toasting the past and all its awful, terrible, wonderful beauty. It taught me who I am, and who I want to be now. It is time to make friends with my new present and future. Mercy, grace, healing, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, love, and gentleness, please lead the way. Light the path, and helps us to be better today and tomorrow. God is good, as time goes by.

Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us know how you are doing. We want to hear your story.

#estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #familytherapy #compassion #selfcare #casablanca #classicmovies #tinagilbertson #reconnectionclub #relationships