"These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things"...(During Estrangement With Our Adult Daughter)

Big and Me

Estrangement with our adult daughter is draining. Nelson and I have to do a lot to refill our mental, emotional, and physical cups on a daily basis. It is similar to have a really slow leak in a bathtub. You can fill it up with water, and when you go back and check it a little later, the water level is a good bit lower, than it was at the start. We have to make a conscious choice to do good things, every single day, that we enjoy. We are becoming more and more intentional about taking care of ourselves in this manner. Today, we went out to lunch after church, and enjoyed a bit of the beautiful day. I enjoyed the time we had together.

I picked out the title of this blog, first because the words are very recognizable. Being a singer, and performer of Opera/Musical Theatre, it is obvious that I am going to use something musically related to express myself, LOL. So..."Here is the gist, a practical list," (another musical reference, "Oklahoma, Rogers/Hammerstein), of some of our favorite things to do to help ourselves feel better, live better, and love better.

1. Take walks. Chattanooga is a beautiful city, it is home to a lot of wonderful resources, offers plenty of opportunities to enjoy the day, or evening, and have a bit of a staycation. We love to take walks. The Chattanooga Riverpark is so very beautiful, and follows a few miles of the Tennessee River, boasting fresh air and beautiful views. One of the paths we take along the river, goes through the Art District, we then cross over the Historic Walnut Street Bridge, and walk the sidewalks of the North Shore Area. It is free to do, gives us the opportunity to talk, and walk the dogs.

2. Owning Dogs. Having our dogs truly helps our emotional and mental health. I am not saying that all people who are dealing with an estrangement need to have dogs. Not all people are dog people. I am an animal person. Not just a dog person. I would have all the animals, if I could. I can say, that our dogs help us tremendously. They keep us moving. They need attention, and care. They get us out of the house, and into the world. They require exercise, thus the walking. They pick up on our energy. They require us to work on our mental and emotional health, so that it influences them in a positive way. If I have a high anxiety day, they will too. It promotes us to pay attention to how we speak and feel. It is beneficial to our communication with one another. Having our dogs, helps me to have a place to put my love, and need to nurture into play. Loving and nurturing our dogs, gives me a feeling of peace, and that I am needed.

   
   

Living estranged from our adult daughter, and hearing from our two other adult children during Family Therapy, helped me to realize that I have to develop a new, healthier relationship with my grown children. That has not been an easy journey for me. Most of the time, it brings up feelings of rejection, and being unneeded, or just plain unwanted. All of that is leftover trauma from my childhood. I have to find my own path. My own purpose. Having our dogs, gives me a positive message, and support in the changes that I am making in our marriage, and in my life. My dogs never make me feel rejected, or unwanted. That is very healing.

Being someone with Complex PTSD, plus Vestibular Migraines, balance issues, PNES, (Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures), and being a fall risk, has required that I have a Service Dog. It is too dangerous for me to go out alone, without some assistance. Because of my extreme anxiety, I am not comfortable going places alone. Having my service dog, Big, helps. He is an ice breaker. People tend to be more open and friendly. That makes going out much easier for me to navigate. Open and friendly is good. I also know that Big is there to assist me, if I have any trouble. Having him eases Nelson's concerns about my being out and alone as well.

3. Finding a great church. Our faith is important to us. Knowing there is a loving, kind, and good God, that is always on our side, is the biggest focus in our lives. For many years we were involved in a church that we never felt comfortable in. It was never home. Now, we are members of a great church. Our church family is wonderful. People are starting to recognize us, they stop and speak to us. It is the opposite of what we had before. We love to stop and speak to them. It is beginning to feel like home. Slowly, I am feeling the desire to become more involved in the everyday church life. I am not as scared anymore. The people there, our new church family, has helped with that part of our healing as well. We cannot go around the estrangement and the problems that caused it. We cannot go over, or under these issues. We have to go through the pain of estrangement, and all of the junk that comes with it. God will walk us through the wilderness we find ourselves in, and the church people we have found are truly willing to listen, support, and walk with us. So...yes, having a great church to attend is one of my favorite things!

4. My Friends. My friends are my chosen family. They are my pulse, and heartbeat. I am blessed enough to have 3 very close friends. I am so very grateful. Two of my friends live close to me. One is in town, one is a little less than an hour and a half away. The other one live in California. I get together with them as often as possible. I plan time with the one in town on a weekly basis. I talk with the other two every few days. We support each other in a loving, non-judgemental way. We love each other. We listen, and show-up for each other. We carry each other's burdens. No weight is too heavy, or secret too deep. Everyone needs friends like this in their lives. It makes going through the terrible storms in life easier.

This is the short list of my favorite things that help Nelson and I through this hard time of estrangement with our adult daughter. All of these things help with the day to day complications of having Complex PTSD, and my other physical health issues. I use other techniques, such as EMDR, DBT, and CBT. It all begins to look like a strange alphabet, doesn't it? LOL. I would elaborate more about these techniques, and explain them more in depth, it is just very time consuming. If you are interested, please use google, and look them up.

To finish this blog up for today, which is the first Monday in Holy Week for 2025, I want to encourage you to, "Take off your shoes, for this is Holy Ground." Exodus 3:5. What I mean is, do not let anything come in between you and God. The ground on which we walk is Holy, and we, as His children, are Holy. We are set apart to do His works here on Earth. Be filled with mercy, love, and compassion, just as Jesus is filled with mercy, love, and compassion.

I sent a text yesterday, to my children's dad. I told him how sad it makes me to have birthdays,holidays, other special days to go by, and to hear nothing from her. I told him how sad it makes me to know she speaks to everyone else, except Nelson and me. I knew in sending it, I would get no response. And I was right, there was absolutely no response. I sent it because he and I have lost another child together. I know that he knows the pain of losing a child. I also told him that I understand that our estrangement issue is not his issue. These things are all factual. I said them, as much for myself, as I did for him. It would be easy for me to place judgement on his non-responsiveness. If I do that, it would mean that I had an expectation of a response. I knew in sending the message that there would be none. It was merely an expression of my feelings of loss and frustration. Just like writing this blog. I am simply letting out some of the steam and pressure that builds up. I don't know if it really helps, or if anyone reads this blog. Which brings me to the last of my favorite tools, journaling, and blogging. LOL. My sending their dad a text, and getting no response, is merely an example of the need we have to be vulnerable, and express compassion. If you don't know what to say, then just simply say, "I don't know what to say!" Actually communicate that you feel compassion and empathy, you just don't have answers. Be a listening ear, a caring physical presence. Jesus with skin for someone else. Take off your shoes, and don't let anything come between you and the Holy work God has placed in front of you.

I hope my list of favorite things helps you in finding your own favorite things. We have to go on a search for what we like, and what we don't like. Just like Julia Roberts' character did in the movie, "The Runaway Bride." (If you haven't seen it, watch it. It is a fun movie). It takes courage, and effort to learn about yourself. You have to stop identifying the likes and dislikes of others, and find your own. My dogs are my very favorite choice of support every day. I love having Big with me everywhere I go. His presence brings me confidence and peace. That is something that I pray that everyone here that reads this blog, receives. Peace. Estrangement with an adult child is hard. The pain doesn't end, it becomes manageable, if you want that for yourself. That is part of the Holy Ground on which we stand. God is with us, and helps us make our pain in this world, manageable. "The Lord gave, and The Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21

Remember you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I want to know your story.

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Credit given to "Sound of Music," Rogers/Hammerstein for the title of this blog.