Terrible Twos and Threes

(Sing this to the tune of The Brady Bunch), Here's the story of The McDaniel Family, who were bringing up three awesome, gorgeous kids. They were great, and lovely children. We enjoyed each and every one. Here's the story of the kids all grown-up. They were helpful and successful in college. The girls graduated, Summa Cum Laude, and one was Valedictorian. Then the one day, Mom had a conflict with a daughter, and that is when the estrangement did begin. The family then went into a painful era, and that's the mess that the parents now are in...Estrangement, Estrangement, that's the way that we live and try to grin.

So there you go, the whole story in a nutshell. When my children grew up and even in college, they were a joy. I never had any issues with them at all. They were so good. I loved and enjoyed every single phase of their lives. I worked hard to make sure they had everything they needed. They were very rarely in trouble with us. Hardly ever. They made good choices and were fun. I did not experience the terrible twos and threes with them when they were very little. They were cute and fun. I am not going to say, I never had any challenges, or never had to discipline them. I did. It was just never out of the ordinary and it wasn't daily. I really felt like I was giving them a good childhood. One that I did not experience. I wanted to do things in a different way than I had received. I thought I was doing a good job at with that part of parenting.

What I am finding is that I now am going through the terrible twos and threes, the numbers just represent the 20s and 30s. The teenage issues that most parents experience, we are experiencing now. Our children have grown up, are independent and take care of themselves. They have their own lives and are doing well on their own. At least as far as I know. Nelson and I thought that this was the goal, to have independent functioning adult children. The hard part is having a relationship with them. My adult son, I have no problem with at all. He is giving, kind, and always treats others with love and respect. I am very proud of him. He chooses to be positive always. The biggest struggle I have is with our adult daughters. They are twins and are very close. They speak to each other daily. The one that has estranged herself from us is angry at us and filled with hurt and pain, that she wants to deal with in her time and her way. For her, that means to separate herself from us and not have contact. The other adult daughter is still in communication with us, and attends family therapy with us. She and I have difficulty communicating and understanding each other. She said she is scared of me, and to be honest, I am scared of speaking to her. From my perspective, she comes across as disrespectful to me at times. Is that the difference is our generations? That is quite possible. Do I take things to personally? That is quite possible too. I was extremely close to my mother. Maybe I am expecting too much of her. I realize I will never have the relationship with my daughters that I had with my mother. We are different people. I do miss that relationship. It left a hole in me when she died. My closest confident and ally is gone. My daughters are different people, with different interests. I at least thought we would be able to get together periodically and have mother/daughter time. That hasn't occurred. I am now working to fill my life with new things. New purpose. My mother role has definitely changed. I want to enjoy all my adult children. I want to celebrate their successes. I am thankful I can with my adult son. The struggle is real with my adult daughters. I love them so very much.

The inquisition has commenced. Tomorrow I attend family therapy again. I am not looking forward to it. It seems that I am relegated to sit and listen and apologize. The more I walk this road, the more I am finding that they just want to be heard and acknowledged. When they became afraid of me, I do not know. I didn't yell or scream. I disciplined when I needed to, and tried to talk to them about issues. If they made bad grades, I didn't punish them or yell and scream. That happened to me. It is something that I said I wouldn't do to my children and I didn't. I was stern at times. I was tired a lot. I had anxiety a lot. Maybe that is what happened. I reacted in ways, I didn't need to. I am human. I am sure that it all came across wrong. The parent role is difficult. It isn't always fun. I am spending a lot of time self-reflecting, digging deep and working to shed as many bad habits and behaviors as I can. I am under construction, a work in progress. I pray that my adult children have mercy and forgiveness for that mess that I am. We are all a mess. We are all under construction. I have to have patience and mercy, forgiveness, and compassion for the fact that my adult children are growing and learning and under construction as well. That is what I am working on. Defensiveness is not your friend. Vulnerability is your friend. I am very vulnerable right now.

Tomorrow I go into our Family Therapy session prepared for the worst and with hope for the best. I am going into it prayerfully, knowing that Jesus is going with me. I love my adult children. I have always put their needs first. They may not see it that way, that is ok. At least they are telling me and not Oprah. To have the courage to face the fire, to face the storm, to face the hard stuff, is the best example I can be for them. Even if it hurts. I can tell you, it hurts. It hurts a lot!

Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below, Nelson and I want to hear your story.

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