It Has Been A Little While

It has been a little while since I sat down to write this blog. I took some time away. I needed a little space from the estrangement subject matter. Sometimes, you just have to walk off for a bit, to gain some perspective, and examine your feelings and thoughts. I am working hard at healing. Healing is hard work. Healing is exhausting. Healing takes time. Healing takes doing the necessary things to promote your emotional, mental and physical well-being. You have to prioritize healing at the top of your list. This is what my list looks like, God, Healing, Family, Friends, Work. Yes, I put my healing above my family. It has to be above them. My healing affects them directly. I am still figuring healing out. It never comes naturally. In fact, it goes against my nature most of the time. So does my faith in God.

I am finding that I have lived a reactionary life. Not always, but a lot of the time. My reactions come from trauma. Having Complex PTSD means that I have high anxiety, emotional dysregulation, avoidance problems, (especially in situation that I see as dangerous,or triggering), impulsivity, unwanted flashbacks, nightmares, frequent negative thoughts and emotions, excessive attention to the possibility of danger, (hypervigilance).

It happens when people are exposed to traumatic events over and over and over. It changes your brain chemistry. After my mother died, this condition worsened. It is through working with my Trauma Therapist, and going to Family Therapy, and medication, that I am working my way to a better, healthier way of functioning as a person.

I am sure that my Complex PTSD contributed to the estrangement with my adult daughter. I am not to blame. There is no blame. She has to work through her own issues. She is not to blame. I am sure she is just dealing with figuring out her life and how she wants to live it. I'm not going to lie, the estrangement with her caused a lot of trauma too. I am sure she felt traumatized and I know that I did. I'm sure Nelson does too. To be completely transparent, if my daughter called and wanted to reconnect tomorrow, I am not sure that would be the best idea for me. I know that I wouldn't do it outside of family therapy. Reconnecting with her right now would be very anxiety inducing and triggering. It is hard enough in family therapy, listening to the children that are talking to us, tell us about their hurtful experiences with us as parents and going through that pain with them. It is important for us, as a family, to create a safe space for each other. We need mutual trust. Right now, I don't trust myself to not have an emotional response that is too strong, should our estranged daughter decide to reconcile. I know her, and I doubt that will be any time soon. That is good, because I need the time.

It will still be a while. "A While," is one of those phrases that is non-specific, similar to, "Soon." I know it will happen, I just don't know when she will be ready, or when I will be ready. I do not want to go too fast. I also would like to feel neutral when the day comes. No emotional dysregulation.

This is where we are right now. On a fun note, I am now Mrs. Chattanooga America, I am losing weight, and am working towards the goal of winning Mrs. Tennessee America. I am competing with a Mental Health Awareness platform. I would love to have your support as I continue to work towards this goal. Support is always needed, for everyone. I will tell you more about how you can support me on this journey later.

Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below, Nelson and I would love to hear from you!

#estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #mrschattanoogaamerica