Family Therapy: Not for the Faint of Heart

Today is Wednesday, and that makes it Family Therapy Day. Every Wednesday, at 9 a.m. the four of us, (though I pray one day it will be five), show up to participate in Family Therapy.

It is a good thing for us to go. It is a painful experience for us to go. The four of us are stripping away the layers of pain, hurt, and poor communication, to learn healthier ways of relating to one another. I want to be completely transparent, right now it feels like I am needing to take on a whole lot of responsibility for how everyone feels. That is not always the case, as I said, right now it, "feels," that way. I think it will be that way for a while.

Today, my son, had past hurts to share with Nelson and I. While I am not going to reveal his past hurts, I am going to say it was very hard to listen to what I did that hurt my son, and make him not feel safe to speak to us. Most especially me. At the time it happened, years ago, I genuinely thought I was disciplining my son. As the story spilled out in front of me, I was shocked to realize that I had grossly overreacted. I had to spend some time today speaking about how my today self would deal with the situation now, that would be different from what my past self would have done. I had to admit, that I know, if the same thing were to happen today, I would react much differently. I felt and still feel so remorseful for what I did. I want you to know, that I did not spank my children, and I never had to ground them. I used other discipline tools, such as, finding their currency, and using that to discipline them, if discipline was needed. This situation had to do with my adult son, then teenage son, and his currency. I thought I was doing what was necessary at the time. I was wrong. As I said, it was a gross overreaction. I cried and cried during the session. I apologized to my adult son. I am so glad he found the courage to share with me how I hurt him. As painful as it is to realize that I hurt my child, I would rather work it out and make repairs to our relationship, than for that always to be something he remembers that was never resolved.

No adult has ever come out of their childhood unscathed. We all have bumps and bruises along the way. Some of us are scarred like me. I takes a lot of therapy to work through those scars, and come to healing and peace. When I was growing up, I did not get the resolution that I am working to give my children. The attitude was pretty much, "Tough Noogies, I did what I did, get over it." As a result, finding my way through my own adulthood has been difficult. I do not want this type of hardship for my adult child. If ever my estranged adult daughter decides to join us, I pray that I am ready to hear from her as well. I have radically accepted the fact that I am going to cry in family therapy for a long time. My tears will flow until my adult children feel that they have been heard and are good with how I have responded to them. My tears are not for me. As I told my adult son today, "I did this, not you. I have caused my own pain. Anytime, you hurt, I hurt. I am the author of my pain in this situation."

A mother hurts when her children hurt. It doesn't matter if they are adults or not. I am just grateful that I am getting the chance to restore my relationships with my family. I am glad that our bond is strong, and that we love each other.

Family Therapy is not for parents who are afraid of admitting their mistakes, or place their own ego above their child. It doesn't matter if you as a parent have good reasons for why you did what you did that hurt your child. The only thing that matters is that your child was hurt, and it is up to us as parents to listen to our children, and help repair the pain they experienced, as a result of the pain that we experienced in our own lives. Hurting people hurt people. We have to ask ourselves, "What is still hurting me, and where does it come from?" I grew up with a father who did not want to solve his own issues and as a result, his pain poured all over us. His pain, caused my pain, which caused the pain of my adult children. It is a vicious cycle. It stops NOW! It stops with us. This will not be my legacy.

If you want to stand on your principles and plant your flag on that hill, go ahead. If you want to hold on with a death grip to the decision you made that hurt your children and have driven a wedge between you and them, hold on to it. If it doesn't matter to you whether you ever see your grandchildren, stick to your guns and say, "It is how I was raised, so I raised my kids that way. They need to get over it. I did!" With respect, my answer to you is, "No, you clearly didn't get over it and you are still in pain." What are your children worth to you? Are they worth everything, even your life if you needed to give it? If your answer to those questions is, they are worth everything, even my life, then you are ready for family therapy. I can see that is the only way the pain they carry and that you carry is going to end. Be ready to be humble. Love, grace, mercy, compassion, and face down humility is the only way to heal your estrangement. It is the only way our's is going to be healed. That is the truth.

Next Wednesday, I will cry again. More to come.

Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I want to hear from you.

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