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The past few days have been very busy. I have worked with students, I worked with Nelson in his office, and I stocked up my new vending business that is in, Nelson's office. These people work hard. They hardly have time to do much of anything. They get there early, and they stay late. Nelson and I do too. We arrive at the office before 8 a.m. and stay until 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. We have big goals to meet. The vending machines in the food court area are outrageously expensive. I am working to help the people who work there to be able to get snacks and drinks that will not cost them as much. I am also going to check into providing healthy alternatives to junk food as well. Making sure that we are all doing our best to be healthy is the goal. It is a health insurance office. As a health insurance office, it needs to have the focus of health and well-being. At least that is what I believe. I have been on my own journey to become healthy. I am exercising, losing weight, working to eat healthy. I have lost 5 pounds over the last week and a half. I am still going. This health journey, doesn't only include physical health, it includes mental and emotional health as well. One of the best things I have done for myself is going to work with Nelson and assisting him in his job. I really enjoy it there. It is the first time I have enjoyed something like this in a very long time. I really have fun. Sometimes, I wonder if I need to do the same job. I have thought about that a lot. It makes me happy. I never thought I would say that, much less write it in a blog. Family therapy is helping. We are changing the way we interact and changing the way we speak to each other. It is a very good thing. I am working on speaking words that lift up and encourage Nelson. It takes thought and intentionality. I know that he is doing the same. I also am working to do that for my adult children as well. When the estrangement started with my adult daughter, I didn't know if I could survive it. Now, I know and feel that not only can I survive it, we can thrive within it. It seems that things are going in the right direction. I pray every single day for God's blessing on our work. I dedicate it all to Him. Everything we do, we work for Him. I feel like for the first time, we are getting our lives truly together. I am happy about that part. God is directing our path. That is a really good feeling. As each day goes by, it gets closer to October and being over a year since the estrangement with my adult daughter began. So far, the journey has been difficult. With a lot of prayer, and painful changes through family therapy, I can see more and more light at the end of the tunnel. That does not mean that the estrangement is ending any time soon. I have no idea. God alone has control over that part. The light we are seeing is coming from dealing with the ways we made mistakes, and learning from them. There is a lot to be said for humbling yourself and making yourself vulnerable. There is a healing to it, for all involved. To apologize and admit to your adult children and your other family members is very freeing and healing. It is a weight off of our shoulders. I do believe that is another reason I am losing weight. Taking one weight off, helps me to lose weight in other ways. I am so thankful to God for walking us through this difficult time, and loving us enough to hold us up. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Please comment below, Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultdaughter #thriveduringestrangement #workingwithhusband #encouragement

Soon. I looked up the definition of the word soon. I decided not to include the whole definition. It means, promptly, or shortly. There are several other words that you can use to define it. When it comes down to it, the word itself is nondescript. Soon, could mean 2 minutes, or it can mean in 2 months, or longer. I think that the word itself lets me know that something is going to happen in the near future. There is just no definite time frame to put on the event. Our family therapy session today indicated that an improvement in our family dynamic is happening, though for some that attended, it was harder on than others. One of my adult children said that, "It is just growing pains." I think that is an excellent way of thinking about it. We have planned to speak about another large issue that needs to be addressed next week, and then we will take a two week break. I think we all need the break. As I have said before, these first two months of family therapy has been really hard. Put 4 adults in a room, who know each other well, then open up to allow them to one at a time share their concerns and feelings, in a healthy way, without going over the top emotionally, is challenging at best. Nelson and I had to decide from the first session that no matter what, we were going to drop our defenses and listen and take full responsibility for ourselves. I believe that the two adult children that attend, made the same decision. It is not an easy job to right a ship, and then turn it to go in a better direction with 4 people using oars. Families are not row boats. Families are ships. The larger the family, the larger the ship. There is no motor, no engine, just Nelson, me and my two adult children who attend family therapy with us. We have decided to pick up our oars and row. We all agreed about the direction that we want to go. We are beginning to get in sync. We will know more, next session. Estrangement does a lot to put your family and relationships within the family under a microscope. When I married Nelson, I brought a particular brand of brokenness into our marriage. When Nelson married me, he did the same. Those issues, when they go unaddressed, cause more issues. I am not saying that all of our issues went unaddressed. I went to therapy, and have been in therapy for quite a while. We are humans and we make mistakes, especially when emotions get the best of us. Poor communications skills also enter the picture. No one really wants to change the style of communication that they use. It makes me feel ridiculous sometimes, using language that doesn't come naturally to me. I have just come to realize that it is important. The Holy Spirit has reminded me that communication needs to be gentle and kind. It doesn't need to criticize or accuse anyone. I am becoming more and more thoughtful about how I speak. Nelson is the best, and he is working hard to provide a safe space for me to express my feelings. I am doing my best to do the same for him, AND to not direct my emotional overflow towards him. Soon. I trust that changes will happen sooner than later. I am handing the timing over to God. No matter what, I know that God promises to bless our family for generations when we honor Him. His, "Soon," is much different than my, "Soon." So for now, if you ask me if things are getting better, I am going to say, "Yes." If you ask, "When do you think this will get resolved, I am going to say, "Soon." Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I want to get to know you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #rowrowrowyourboat #mentalhealth #familytherapy #soonerthanlater

As you may have read, last week's family therapy session was very difficult on me. Nelson and I can see that it is helping. We are using clearer communication in our family. We are gentler and kinder. There is a different approach when the aren't happy with what a family member says or does. Less accusing, more loving. Less criticism, more encouragement. Those are all good things. It doesn't lessen the pain that happens during family therapy. Being confronted with mistakes that caused others pain, is never fun, nor easy to hear. I am working on forgiving myself and moving forward doing life differently than before. I need prayers now. I made a bulleted list of things that I need to discuss tomorrow. More likely than not, I will not get through the entire list. It is not going to be easy for me to talk about and express, which is why I made a bulleted list. God says to pray if you are anxious about anything. I am anxious. At this point, I feel as though I have cried enough tears to fill the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans. Most likely, I will cry again tomorrow. I have things to address that are not easy for me to address. However, if I do not address them, it will never get better. I am going to pray a lot today. I know that Jesus will be in the room with me. I am not alone. If Nelson and I have hope to have the estrangement end with our adult daughter, we have to walk this road and go through the fire, knowing God is with us in the fire. I ask for you, the reader, to pray for us tomorrow. Pray for peace to reign over me and my family. Pray for the Lord to remove the fear from me, as I go down my list. Pray for everyone to hear me and know that I love each and everyone of my family members with my whole heart. Pray that the Holy Spirit fills the room, and that we all know the love of God is with us. Again, tomorrow's family therapy session is not going to be easy for me. I am grateful for the family I have, and can see that they all want to see things improve. I appreciate that they are all accepting where they messed up as well. I am thankful that all of us want the same thing, to see our family dynamic healthy and healed. I have always enjoyed my children. I want to enjoy them in adulthood as well. Other than losing my infant son, I have not had anything else this painful. I am so thankful that the compassions of the Lord do not fail. Just this morning, I truly realized what the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV means, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' " I am very weak, especially right now. In my weakness, I see how many mistakes I made and the pain it caused. I am human. I also see, how our admitting our mistakes, listening to our adult children, and saying, "I'm Sorry," is healing to them. Allowing them to tell us face to face, and hear our remorse and sorrow, is a good thing, though it does not feel good at the time. Saying out loud the things that have hurt and caused me pain, and having it acknowledged, is healing as well. Becoming open and vulnerable, though not fun, is a great salve for open wounds. Listening, really listening, and taking in what our adult children are saying, is the greatest gift Nelson and I can give to our adult children and ourselves. I know that God is glorified by our weakness, so that He can enter, rebuild and show His great love and strength. Please pray for me tomorrow morning. Also, please pray for our family. Please pray for our estranged adult daughter. I am praying that through the work we are doing in family therapy that she will hear from her brother and sister, about the changes that are taking place. I am praying that she will one day feel safe enough to come back. She ended her letter to Nelson and I with the words, "Until Then..." So, until then, I ask that you pray for her, and pray for my family. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and would love to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangmentwithadultchild #familytherapy #therapy #mentalhealth #prayerworks #godisgood #prayforme

Most every Sunday, Nelson, my adult son, and I go to church together. Afterwards, we either go out to eat, or we come back to our house and I cook lunch. We have gotten to the point that we like to cook lunch together and eat in the dining room, while having really great conversation. We have a good time together. Today, we had a great conversation together. It was a great conversation, because we did it in a healthy manner. There were some emotional issues that needed to be addressed and we did it together. It was good to see the hard, painful work that we are putting in at work. My adult son pointed that out to me. I have a hard time seeing that things are getting better. He was quick to point out that the conversation we were having was proof of how our work was changing how we deal with one another. I am very proud of my son. The other great thing that happened was that both Nelson and my adult son said that they were not, "thrilled," about going to family therapy either. They expressed how it was painful for them as well. I was relieved to realize that I was not alone. Slowly, but surely, we are making progress. Just like the turtle, we eventually will get to the destination of listening to each other, having a safe space for one another within our family, and improved communication. That is our family goal, and we are slowly moving in that direction. God is good. I keep praying. I was doing my Bible Study this morning and the Lord sent me some encouragement. I saw a video that talked about praying about every single thing, especially when you have anxiety. Which I do! I have a new plan of dealing with this situation. I was already praying. Now I am going to pray more. God knows our needs, and listens to our prayers. God loves me, and He loves my family. I have to give everything to Him and know that He has this. I know that God will take care of this situation. Nelson and I heard a statement today that said, "I made mistakes, and now I get the opportunity to unmake them." This is a comforting thought. God is the God of time. He can give us back the time we have lost. He can take our mistakes and make them turn all the way around. Best of all He is working all of this out for our good. I trust Him. I feel a weight lifting. Even though, things are going turtle slow, I feel a weight beginning to lift off of my shoulders. the load is getting lighter week by week. How do I know this is happening? Well...First and foremost, I lost 2 pounds this week. LOL It is true! Secondly, I know from today, I no longer feel alone, and I am not a afraid to go to family therapy as I was this morning. That lets me know that God is a work, shifting our life around and making all things new. Will that affect the estrangement we have with our adult daughter? I don't know. I pray that one day it will. Until then, I will keep praying and keep working with my adult son, and other adult daughter, and my husband to improve our family in the best way possible. Remember, the tortoise beat the hair across the finish line. Slow and steady wins the race. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below, we want to hear your story. Nelson and I want to support you in your journey. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #slowandsteadywinstherace #mentalhealth #familytherapy #progress

Lately I have been given a plethora of opportunities to be patient. Patience is difficult. I want solutions now. I want the estrangement to be over and the problems to be solved right now. Apologies don't solve the problem. Only God can solve the problem. There is power in prayer. Waiting takes patience. Waiting is expecting something is going to happen. I pray everyday and wait. God says to wait on Him. Waiting patiently is active. It is not just sitting still. There are a lot of things we can do while we wait. While we are waiting we are in Family Therapy. I am learning that I have a long way to go. My tolerance for this painful work is low. When we go this Wednesday, I have the opportunity to resolve a situation between my non-estranged adult daughter. I am praying that God guides me to be solution oriented and helps me to intentionally listen to my daughter. I pray that her heart, mind, and ears will be open to intentionally listen to me. I am praying for God to intervene and help us both come up with forgiveness and compromise. We have a lot to work on. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to give me the words to communicate clearly with her. This is very definitely the hardest emotional work I have ever done. I am sure it is the hardest emotional work we all have ever done. I was out of town for a couple of days to work with students in North Carolina. While I was there, I visited with a close friend, whose mother is in hospice care. She helped me when my mother was dying, and I want to show up for her. I was describing to her the hard emotional time that it is, especially to hear your children tell you how you hurt them. I told her it was wrenching to know that I unintentionally made decisions as a parent that left them hurt. I explained how both Nelson and I had listened and heard with hearts hurting due to the pain we had inflicted, though unintentional. No one comes out of childhood unscathed. It breaks my heart to know that I have ever caused them one minute of pain. I told her about my parenting mistakes, and how Nelson and I had told them how sorry we were, and how, if we had to do it again, knowing what we know now, we would make different decisions. My friend then commented to me that she sure wished she had gotten that type of response from her mother, and now she won't. It gave me a completely different perspective. I am glad she said that to me. It made me happy to know that no matter how painful it is to go through these things in Family Therapy, that it is needed for my children to have the chance to talk to us and listen to us apologize, validate their feelings, and hear them communicate it. It also has taught me to never do those things again. Although, I wouldn't due to the fact that they are adults now. I do have new awareness to be more thoughtful and intentional about my reactions and decisions, and to step away when I know I am reacting emotionally to a situation. I am going to have to remember that this Wednesday in Family Therapy. I am doing research and learning how to communicate clearly, to actively listen, and to acknowledge the other person and their feelings. I also am learning how to express how I feel, in a calmer way. I am learning to stay away from criticism, and to use encouraging language. I am going to make a plan before Wednesday with goals for the session. I pray God blesses the plan and the goals. I will be writing all my points down, in order to communicate clearly. This is the best I can do. The rest is up to God. The I wait to see what He is going to do. Waiting...We have the choice to wait with a good attitude, or a bad one. I pray for the Lord to fill me with a good attitude. I'm not going to lie, I am scared. Family Therapy has been no picnic. I have shared it over and over. Family Therapy is painful. I do not look forward to being there, yet I show up. My desire to see my family heal, is stronger than my fear of the pain that I go through while I'm there. It is what is best for my family. I pray for strength and endurance. Then, I wait. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I are waiting to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #conflictwithdaughter #patience #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #conflictresolution

One day can be very different from the next day, or the day before. I never live the same day twice. One day can be very peaceful, and I feel like I am pulling it together, then, "BAM," something happens the next day, that makes it feel like everything is unraveling again. Why do I feel this way? SURPRISE! It is Family Therapy Day!! I went to our regular Family Therapy session with a plan. My therapist and I had worked out a plan that I would go in and say that I needed a break from all the issues coming in my direction. I need to feel safe in the Family Therapy sessions, just like everyone else. I need time to process and distance from all the work, and emotional things that have to be worked through. Over the past several weeks, I have had a lot come in my direction from my two adult children that are attending the sessions. Just as discussed in my individual therapy, I asked that I be given a break. Did that 100% happen? Nope! Before we left, I let everyone know that I do not feel safe in Family Therapy. At least not today. I wrote about the importance of resilience a couple of days ago. I can say today, it is so very important. I had yet another day where estrangement from my adult child took its toll. Estrangement is like a lion that rips and tears everything in you. Everytime I think there is nothing left to tear, I feel another piece being torn from my skin. I will rest and trust that God is His great mercy will heal me and I will find my resiliency through Him and His love for me. I still have hope and focus towards the goals I have set for myself. It is very dark at times. There are days the sun shines and I feel strong. Then, there are days like today, when I feel as though a darkness has fallen, heavy and thick. I look for the light. I know I will see it. Nelson did a very brave thing today, and opened up about his own shortcomings in our family. I appreciate his honesty and vulnerability. I wish I had been able to be more present while he was talking. He gave our attending adult children to talk with him and tell them how they feel. I can tell you from experience, that is difficult to do. I wish I could handle it as well as he does. I had a panic attack and was in tears. Ugh. There are moments that I don't think I am going to survive Family Therapy. There are moments that I don't feel I need to speak at all. Right now, I am just grateful for a little bit of light. I could use the encouragement. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I would love to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #familytherapy #mentalhealth #newday

Oxford Dictionary Defines Resiliency as, "The Capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties." I can say with absolute certainty, that you must be resilient when you are going through an estrangement with your adult child. I have great compassion for anyone who is going through an estrangement. It is a nightmare for loving, supportive parents, whose intention was to love their child, and teach them to be functioning adults. It is very hard to have your child cut you off and tell you not to reach out to them. It makes your life shift. It changes your outlook on yourself. You begin to question all your decisions. You wonder, "Was I a bad parent and didn't realize it?" It kills your confidence. If Satan wants to hit you in the heart and gut, this is how he does it. In order for parents, and a family to survive, you must be resilient. Nelson and I have lived in this estrangement for a year now. I know that there are parents out there that have lived out an estrangement with their adult child for much longer. I realize that I have to keep getting up and keep going. I put one foot in front of the other. I started a new path, and a new way of doing things. I have to, in order to gain strength and confidence back into my life. My energy, strength, and confidence were pulled out from under me the day my estranged adult child stop talking to me. What I am finding out is that if you have a major shift in your life, all you can do is carve a new path. I no longer can do anything the way I used to, I am learning a new normal. My new normal includes a lot of new activities. Nelson is building a new business. He is building his own insurance business. I am going in with him early each morning to help him. We are usually in the office by 7:30 a.m. if not before. I spend the day, going in and out of his office as I can. I am working on my continually growing voice studio, and my continually growing Scentsy business. I am going to the gym every single day. I am starting a new healthy diet and am going to work on meal planning and prep for the week. I started taking an adult ballet class, that I attend once a week. I am losing weight, and am now Mrs. Chattanooga America, and I am working on competing for the title of Mrs. Tennessee America. I started a TikTok channel for my Mrs. Tennessee America journey. I am 58, and competing in a pageant. Life is not over, just because I have an estranged adult daughter. I still have a valuable life to live. (By the way, the TikTok Channel is @mrs..chattanooga, please follow me and share it!) Nelson and I are positioning ourselves to reach all our dreams and goals. It is a lot of hard work, and worth every single bit of our effort. We know we are following the path that God has set us upon. He is lighting our way. All of this occurred due to the fact that our life shifted when our estranged adult daughter cut us off. Is it still painful? Yes, every single day. Nelson and I are choosing not to let it hold us hostage. I love all my children. I just cannot give them the final word on who I am, and who God made me to be. I am too resilient for that to put out the fire that God placed in my heart. Resilience. Find it within yourself. Life isn't over. It is just different, and it is just beginning. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below, Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #resilience #mentalhealth #mrschattanoogaamerica #goforthecrown #ballet #itsgreattobe58

I started a new journey today. I have found myself having the new title of Mrs. Chattanooga America. Big Drum Roll...I will be competing for the title of Mrs. Tennessee America in April 24-26, 2024. I made the announcement on TikTok. The TikTok page will follow my journey to the title of Mrs. Tennessee America and beyond. I will be the oldest contestant. I am 58. I think it will be fun to do and I will have a great time getting ready to do it. I am working to get in the best shape of my life! (There is a swimsuit portion of the pageant). I am going for the win. There are 8 months to do the work. I am working in that direction. Starting now, no sugar, High Protein, Low Carb diet. Water, Water, Water, and more Water. This is very good for me. It is pushing me past my limits and getting me out of my comfort zone. Along with going to the gym daily, I am also doing an Adult Ballet Class on Monday Mornings. I started that today too. Ballet will help me with Balance, Strength, and Flexibility. I really enjoyed the class. I am exited about what is happening and how things are coming together. Busyness can be a blessing or a curse, depending on what you are busy doing. There is a big difference between being busy and being productive. Busyness for the sake of busyness does nothing except make you tired. Being productive requires reasons behind it. Productivity does what it sounds like; It produces something. Something is manifested as a result of being productive. I was more than busy today, I was productive. As a result, I feel accomplished. It boosted my confidence. Raising my confidence level is something I sorely need. When our estranged adult child first separated herself from us, it truly rocked my confidence and self-esteem. I felt lost, confused, betrayed, bewildered, and so many other emotions. It pushed me into a deep depression, and I am only now coming out of it. I didn't feel like being around anyone, and the thought of it gave me so much anxiety. Now, I can tell I am healing. I love the energy that comes from being productive and having places to go to help myself. I have a plan to execute. It is doable. It has a timetable. It is achievable. I go to the gym everyday. I do cardio and weight training. I am going to start meal prepping to help Nelson and I stick to the healthiest diet possible. I have up to 40 pounds to lose and muscle to build. I have two businesses to run. I am committed to time spent assisting my husband at his office. These are my priorities. Anything else is secondary. Fairly soon, I will need to add another priority. Volunteering in the community. That is a part of being Mrs. Chattanooga America. It is important to help others. My plate is now full of productivity. Everything else gets a no. I am determined to be the best candidate I can be. For now, everything else has to take a back seat. That includes my estranged adult daughter. I want to get better, I am on the road to recovery. I like the idea of being Busy, Productive, and Positive every single day. There are healthy distractions and unhealthy distractions. What I am doing right now is a healthy distraction. It keeps my mind on positive things. It is leading me down a blessed and prosperous road. God is good for inspiring me to do these things. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. I am grateful for this new and exciting adventure. If you want to follow my journey, go to tiktok and search @mrs..chattanooga. Please follow and share it with others. It is pretty cool that 58 year old me is going to make the statement, "It isn't over, 'til its over!" I still have too much light to shine, too much love to give, and too many dreams to accomplish. It isn't over..., Not by a long shot. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I would love to hear from you. #mrschattanoogaamerica #estrangement #itisntover #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #positivity

Today has been wonderful. It was quiet and peaceful. Nelson and I were able to get some things done here at our house. I always like it when Nelson and I are working on our home together. I helps me to feel calm and accomplished. Nelson had to go to the store to get some ingredients for our dinner, and while he was there he bought dinner for a person in need. I am so blessed to have him as a husband. The best thing about today is that it has been a normal day. I used to pray for days like this. Days that are full, however, without drama or problem. Days when we can just relax and be grateful for all that we have. Gratitude goes a long way. Being thankful for all the blessings in our lives. There have been way too many things to make us sad. Today has not been sad, it has been good. Peace is filled with quiet and stillness. There is no disturbance. It is a natural state that the earth tends to extend to us. Peace flows with the river, and as we walk beside it, we hear the flow of the water, and is speaks to us about God and His peace. We experience quiet and in the quiet we hear leaves rustling or the wind blowing through the trees, and the birds singing. Those things speak to us about God, His creation and peace. It is this kind of peace we search for so that our mind is still, and wordless. No constant useless chatter, just peace. I have to seek peace. We must pursue peace. Peace is worth chasing after, and having. In our families we need peace. We need to listen to each other, and acknowledge the way each family member feels. We need to build a home of safety and security for each family member. All of us deserve to feel safe. If you are feeling out of sorts in some way, it is best to let everyone in your family know that your emotional cup is running low. Recognizing that first for yourself is helpful. Sharing how you feel with your family members is wise. If they know you are having a hard emotional day, then they can best support you and know how to speak to you, and you will know how to speak to them. Gentleness and kindness needs to lead the way. That is not easy to do. Nothing worth doing is easy to do. It is a decision you have to make ahead of time. Making it in the moment, is extremely hard to do, and not likely to succeed. Be someone who brings in the peace. Where there is peace, God resides. What does this have to do with estrangement? Everything. I have an estranged adult child. I believe that one of the reasons that she is estranged is because she didn't feel emotionally safe. She didn't feel at peace. I want peace for all of my family members. I want peace for myself. I have to say it is not easy. We are all having to learn to trust each other. At least the 4 of us that are working on it are learning to speak easily with one another, and to trust each other. It is not simple, nor easy, to find peace during an estrangement with an adult child. Little by little Nelson and I are finding it. I am very grateful. Please know that you are loved and. enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #peace #thankfulness

Today, I had my individual therapy that is outside of our weekly family therapy. Yes, I have two different therapy appointments per week. Sometimes more if I have an emergency. That is what it is to have Complex PTSD. Emotions can be overwhelming, and I can find myself almost drowning in the tidal wave. Panic Attacks ensue, and then the tears start and I have a hard time breathing. I am working on my DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), it helped in this past family therapy session, and though I cried, I was able to use the DBT to reset, and I was able to finish my day well. I have found that I have a HUGE problem with perfectionism. My father was totally blind. That is not a metaphor, he was genuinely totally blind. As a result, everything had to be done a certain way. Don't leave your toys in the floor, daddy could trip. Push your chair all the way under the table so that daddy doesn't run in to it. Leave the door either all the way open, or all the way closed, so daddy doesn't run into it and crack his head. Never leave your shoes on the floor, don't touch daddy's things, don't move anything that daddy put down, don't sit in daddy's chair, make sure your always clean the counters, so daddy doesn't stick his hand in something sticky or dirty, and the list goes on and on. There was also making my bed up when my feet hit the floor. Daddy would come in and do an inspection to make sure the bed was made before I left them room. The consequence of not doing any of those things was harsh. I was beaten with a belt. When in school if I made a grade below a 90, I was grounded for months at a time. My fear and anxiety was very high. From the time I was born, I was taught to do anything and everything daddy said, in order to avoid the harsh punishments I received. I was not allowed to show anger. I was not allowed to be late. I had to come immediately when called. In the Summers, I had chores from 8 in the morning, until daddy said the chores were done. Play time could only take place when he was not working. If daddy wanted to go swimming, I could go swimming. My brother and I called summertime, boot camp. I could go on and on describing all the things that happened that taught me to be a perfectionist. I was not allowed to mess up. I like everything to be right and orderly. I want everything to be clean and perfect. When things are out of order, it triggers a feeling of disappointment and discouragement. I have to work to let things go and allow papers on the counter and dishes in the sink. In my therapy, I am about to start a workbook called, "The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism." It is guided work to build skills to help me let go of self-criticism, and to Build Self-Esteem and Find Balance. I have a lot of work to do. There are times, I just don't get it. The emotional ball comes and I swing and miss. Nelson, is extremely balanced. He can just let things roll off his back. I pray that God helps me to become more balanced. I am glad my husband is steady and solid all the time. (Well...at least 90% of the time I am glad he is steady and solid all the time. Truth be told, I wish he would get more worked up sometimes, but that is a different story. LOL). I really have trouble understanding how some people can be calm, cool, and collected, and then I freeze, or I fight. That is the panic response, that I am working on. If I make it out of a difficult conversation and stay focused and leave without feeling terrible about myself, or second guessing myself, I feel good. I feel like I accomplished something. I feel like I am moving forward. This estrangement from my adult daughter, has sent me into swinging wildly at all kinds of pitches that come at me. I am concerned I will strike out. I have spent a lot of time with DBT, working to incorporate the process of two things that can happen at one time. Example, I can make mistakes as a parent, and still be a good mother. My reaction to the estrangement was to feel as though I was not a good mother. I have felt over and over again that I have failed as a mom. I stopped drinking from my coffee cup that says, "World's Best Mom." I do not think that I deserve that title right now. It makes me too sad. I had to take down the pictures of my estranged adult child. They were too painful to look at and I had to do something to keep myself from crying all the time. I have a hard time, and I do not get it, Wen friends say to me, "Just let her go," it is not helpful. I find it to be unhelpful and unsupportive. I have let her go, don't get me wrong. At this point I have made peace with it. I am just writing these things to say that making those decisions and working on them is tough. To become a healthier person is my goal. I do not know if I will ever see her again or not. At this point, I am living and making decisions with the thought that I will not see her again. I do have hope. I am praying for God to speak to her, and bring her back into a relationship with Nelson and me. I cannot foresee the future. All I can do is live my life and work on me. As you can see from all I wrote above, I have plenty of work to do all on my own. When all of this is over, (if it ever is), I pray that I will hit a homerun. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I want to know your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #therapy #familytherapy #workingonme

Today is Wednesday, and that makes it Family Therapy Day. Every Wednesday, at 9 a.m. the four of us, (though I pray one day it will be five), show up to participate in Family Therapy. It is a good thing for us to go. It is a painful experience for us to go. The four of us are stripping away the layers of pain, hurt, and poor communication, to learn healthier ways of relating to one another. I want to be completely transparent, right now it feels like I am needing to take on a whole lot of responsibility for how everyone feels. That is not always the case, as I said, right now it, "feels," that way. I think it will be that way for a while. Today, my son, had past hurts to share with Nelson and I. While I am not going to reveal his past hurts, I am going to say it was very hard to listen to what I did that hurt my son, and make him not feel safe to speak to us. Most especially me. At the time it happened, years ago, I genuinely thought I was disciplining my son. As the story spilled out in front of me, I was shocked to realize that I had grossly overreacted. I had to spend some time today speaking about how my today self would deal with the situation now, that would be different from what my past self would have done. I had to admit, that I know, if the same thing were to happen today, I would react much differently. I felt and still feel so remorseful for what I did. I want you to know, that I did not spank my children, and I never had to ground them. I used other discipline tools, such as, finding their currency, and using that to discipline them, if discipline was needed. This situation had to do with my adult son, then teenage son, and his currency. I thought I was doing what was necessary at the time. I was wrong. As I said, it was a gross overreaction. I cried and cried during the session. I apologized to my adult son. I am so glad he found the courage to share with me how I hurt him. As painful as it is to realize that I hurt my child, I would rather work it out and make repairs to our relationship, than for that always to be something he remembers that was never resolved. No adult has ever come out of their childhood unscathed. We all have bumps and bruises along the way. Some of us are scarred like me. I takes a lot of therapy to work through those scars, and come to healing and peace. When I was growing up, I did not get the resolution that I am working to give my children. The attitude was pretty much, "Tough Noogies, I did what I did, get over it." As a result, finding my way through my own adulthood has been difficult. I do not want this type of hardship for my adult child. If ever my estranged adult daughter decides to join us, I pray that I am ready to hear from her as well. I have radically accepted the fact that I am going to cry in family therapy for a long time. My tears will flow until my adult children feel that they have been heard and are good with how I have responded to them. My tears are not for me. As I told my adult son today, "I did this, not you. I have caused my own pain. Anytime, you hurt, I hurt. I am the author of my pain in this situation." A mother hurts when her children hurt. It doesn't matter if they are adults or not. I am just grateful that I am getting the chance to restore my relationships with my family. I am glad that our bond is strong, and that we love each other. Family Therapy is not for parents who are afraid of admitting their mistakes, or place their own ego above their child. It doesn't matter if you as a parent have good reasons for why you did what you did that hurt your child. The only thing that matters is that your child was hurt, and it is up to us as parents to listen to our children, and help repair the pain they experienced, as a result of the pain that we experienced in our own lives. Hurting people hurt people. We have to ask ourselves, "What is still hurting me, and where does it come from?" I grew up with a father who did not want to solve his own issues and as a result, his pain poured all over us. His pain, caused my pain, which caused the pain of my adult children. It is a vicious cycle. It stops NOW! It stops with us. This will not be my legacy. If you want to stand on your principles and plant your flag on that hill, go ahead. If you want to hold on with a death grip to the decision you made that hurt your children and have driven a wedge between you and them, hold on to it. If it doesn't matter to you whether you ever see your grandchildren, stick to your guns and say, "It is how I was raised, so I raised my kids that way. They need to get over it. I did!" With respect, my answer to you is, "No, you clearly didn't get over it and you are still in pain." What are your children worth to you? Are they worth everything, even your life if you needed to give it? If your answer to those questions is, they are worth everything, even my life, then you are ready for family therapy. I can see that is the only way the pain they carry and that you carry is going to end. Be ready to be humble. Love, grace, mercy, compassion, and face down humility is the only way to heal your estrangement. It is the only way our's is going to be healed. That is the truth. Next Wednesday, I will cry again. More to come. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I want to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #humility #cryingisfreedom #letgoofpain #familytherapy #therapy #mentalhealth

In my life, I have set so many goals. I am a dreamer. I am not just a dreamer, I am a doer. Some of my plans have worked out and some have not. I look back on all of it and realize that I learned something from everything I did. I learned how to say yes, and how to say no. I learned what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. For the first time, I feel that I finally have the ability and choice to do something great. I finally have the time and I have no excuse to not do the work. I make my plans, dedicate them to God, then trust Him to put my path in front of me. I trust Him to walk before me. I am letting go of fear. Fear is our enemy. Fear is the greatest tool the enemy uses to keep us from reaching the purpose God has for us. When the estrangement began with my adult daughter, I was filled with fear. What if she never speaks to me again? What if I lose her? What if...I was so filled with fear and despair that all I could think of was the fact that she had chosen not speak to me or Nelson, she had chosen to separate herself and put up a wall. I cried so much. I still cry periodically, not as much as in the beginning. In the beginning, I felt abandoned, betrayed, and rejected. I know that our estranged adult daughter was just thinking about stopping the pain that she was feeling. At this time, I am very sorry for the pain she was and maybe still is feeling. I pray everyday that she is getting the help that she needs to work through her pain, to find healing. It is a terrible feeling to know that your child is in pain, adult or not, and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. When she was a child, she went through a lot of terrible learning and health issues. She was in and out of doctors offices and hospitals. I homeschooled her longer than I did her brother and sister, as a result. I can tell you from experience that seeing her struggle to learn, and struggle with her health was very painful. I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat. However, this is her journey. Now, as an adult, she has chosen to pull away, not speak to us and do things on her own. It has been heartbreaking. I have learned so much about myself. It has helped me to no longer be afraid of doing the things that I need to do in order to set my course and give it to God and follow Him, as He guides me to the things He has promised to me and to Nelson. Following Jesus in His footsteps is challenging. It is getting me up early in the morning and teaching me to be intentional about my time. I have wasted days in the past year or two. I was depressed and stuck. When I say early, I am becoming a member of the 5 am Club. I am learning to become a morning person. I have to gain time somewhere to accomplish all that is set before me. I can see that God is putting my steps in order. I can no longer afford to hold on to the fear that held me back. I prayed for God to take away the fear, and He did. He answered my prayer. Today, I prayed for my estranged adult daughter to have her own chains of fear removed. I pray everyday for her return. Tomorrow, we have family therapy. I pray that she will be comfortable enough one day to join us. Until then...We wait on God's timing, and I keep following Him. Every day belongs to God. Everyday is a gift. I don't have any desire to spend anymore of my life grieving and mourning. The Kingdom of God is at hand, and I want to spend my time helping His kingdom to be built. It is a better use of my time and resources. God holds my estranged adult daughter in His hand. He is more capable of giving her what she needs than I am at this point. I trust Him to do that. I have got to put my energy into what God is calling me to do. I know He will provide all my needs. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I would love to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #keepyoureyesonetheprize #parentswithadultchild #mentalhealth #familytherapy