💔 Why I Decided to Speak Out About Estrangement

I Speak out about estrangement, join me in the support community

Yesterday, we went to dog training class with Big and Jace.Big was a bit rowdy—he wanted to play—but Jace did a great job.When you have a service dog, you have to take them to regular training to keep their skills sharp. Jace especially needs desensitization. Years ago, I was attacked by a dog, and Jace protected me. He saved my life. But ever since, he’s been fearful and reactive around other dogs.

This class helps him learn that not every dog is dangerous. It’s a chance to retrain his instinct to react—and replace it with confidence and calm.

And honestly? That’s a lot like what Nelson and I are learning in this season of estrangement from our adult daughter. We can’t control what’s happened, but we can control how we react, and we can work toward becoming less fearful, less reactive, and more at peace.We can begin to feel good about ourselves again. We can be okay.

There’s a quiet kind of grief that hides in plain sight—the grief of loving someone who is still alive, but no longer part of your life.

For me, that grief has a name: estrangement.

It’s a word I never expected to apply to my own family, and certainly not to my relationship with one of my children. But here I am—living it, learning from it, and finally, speaking about it.

For a long time, I said nothing. I carried the weight in silence, not wanting to seem bitter, dramatic, or like I’d failed as a parent. The shame was suffocating. Every time I tried to talk about it, I felt like I needed to explain or defend myself. So I didn’t talk at all.

But silence about our estrangement didn’t protect me. It isolated me.

And in that isolation, I learned something powerful: shame thrives in silence—but healing begins with honesty.

That’s why I’m speaking out now.

I decided to speak out about estrangement to express the pain and frustration I’ve carried for far too long. The separation itself was heartbreaking, but the silence that followed was just as damaging. I needed to put words to the ache, to give shape to the feelings that so many parents carry in the dark. And I speak because I believe it’s time we stop hiding.

You do not have to stay in the shadows. You do not have to live in shame.You can stand tall.You can move forward.You can grow.You can heal.You can improve—even when reconciliation isn’t promised.

That is why I speak out.

No one needs to be alone in their heartache and grief, and this estrangement with our adult daughter is not what we wanted.It has changed everything about Nelson and me.I believe that God makes good out of everything, and I can already see His handiwork in this situation. Even in the pain, I trust that something beautiful is being formed.

Yesterday was a harder day.I found myself spiraling—dwelling, ruminating, questioning. So I leaned on something that’s been helping me recently: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). I used the tools I’ve learned to help my mind step out of the loop it wanted to stay trapped in. I reminded myself that ruminating over a situation I cannot control serves no good purpose.I’m not sharing this because I’ve gained some sort of wisdom crown or figured it all out.I haven’t.I struggle with it every single day.

If I think about it too much, I can cry in an instant.That’s okay.Crying is part of the process. So is breathing. So is moving forward anyway.

I speak out not because I’ve reached the end of this journey, but because I’ve taken the first brave steps—and I want others to know they can, too.

There are countless parents out there walking through estrangement—some quietly aching, others navigating years of confusion and sorrow, all wondering, “What did I do wrong?” or “Does this pain ever stop?”

This blog, Strangely Estranged, is my small way of saying: You are not alone. And you don’t have to grieve in the dark.

If you're walking through estrangement, I want to invite you into this space. To read. To reflect. To cry if you need to. And maybe one day, to share your own story, too.

I’ve said this before: my dogs help me a lot with this estrangement. They want my presence. They are always happy to see me. They don’t like me to leave. They are comforting and loyal. I find them incredibly soothing. You may not be a dog person—and that’s okay. But find something that brings you support, love, and peace. Then go do that for yourself.Pray a lot.It’s not selfish to nurture your heart—it’s necessary.

With compassion and courage,

Crystal