What I Wish Others Understood About Estrangement: The Pain, the Healing, and the Reality Behind Closed Doors

Estrangement...Blue Closed Doors, Surrounded by a marble arch. It looks like doors to an inner fortress.

Estrangement is one of those words that makes people uncomfortable. It sits heavy in the air. It’s not a dinner table conversation topic or a post that gets a lot of “likes.” But for so many of us—more than you probably realize—estrangement isn’t just a word. It’s a wound. A choice. A last resort. A lifeline.

For me, it’s all of the above.

When people find out I'm estranged from a loved one, I often hear the same phrases:

"But they’re family…"

"You only get one mother/daughter/father/son…"

"Can’t you just forgive and move on?"

These comments, while usually well-intentioned, reveal a painful truth: most people don’t understand estrangement.

So let me share what I wish others knew.

Estrangement Is Rarely About Hate

It's not about holding grudges or being dramatic. It's about survival.Estrangement doesn’t come from a single argument or a tough season. It comes after repeated harm, betrayal, manipulation, or deep emotional neglect. It's a boundary—one that often took years of heartache to finally draw.

We Don’t “Move On.” We Move Differently.

Healing from estrangement is not the same as healing from a breakup or a falling out with a friend. When it's a family member—especially a parent or a child—the grief is layered. You’re mourning the person, the relationship, the future you dreamed of, and the version of yourself that tried so hard to fix it.

You learn to carry your hope and heartbreak side by side. Some days, they’re balanced. Other days, one outweighs the other.

The Silence Is Not Empty—It’s Full

From the outside, it may seem like estrangement is simply not talking to someone. But the silence is anything but empty. It’s filled with questions, memories, guilt, second-guessing, freedom, sadness, and sometimes even relief.

We replay conversations we wish we’d had. We grieve birthdays and holidays that now carry a shadow. We wonder if they think about us too.

With Nelson and Me, This Is Personal

Nelson and I are estranged from one of our adult daughters. As parents, it is incredibly painful to live in silence and distance from a child we love deeply. There are feelings of great grief, heartache, and loss that we carry every single day.

What is not helpful is hearing, "At least they aren’t dead."I have already lost a child—and honestly, I don’t know what is worse. The loss of a child is the loss of a child.

We didn’t choose the separation. We didn’t choose the silence. We didn’t choose to hear the painful words: “Don’t contact me.”Knowing our daughter is alive, out in the world, living moments and milestones we know nothing about—it’s a pain that cuts deeper than words can express.

Be Sensitive About Celebrations and Traditions

Please, be sensitive when discussing your own holiday plans, birthdays, anniversaries, or family vacations. Those of us experiencing estrangement—like Nelson and me—often feel a quiet tug of pain on our hearts when we listen to those conversations.We are genuinely happy for you. We want you to have joy and to celebrate with your children and loved ones.

Our pain isn't about jealousy. It’s about loss.

While you’re celebrating, we’re learning to rebuild. We’re trying to create new ways of marking holidays—new traditions that replace the ones that took us years to build with our families. But even then, no matter what we do, it’s not the same.

Someone is still missing.

We have no idea if we’ll ever see them again.

So, instead of letting us quietly step away from the conversation, check in. Ask how we’re doing. Invite us to share something meaningful, even if it’s not the same as your story. Your thoughtfulness reminds us we’re not alone or forgotten.

We Still Love, But From Afar

Love doesn’t always disappear with distance. Sometimes it just shifts.We can love someone deeply and still know we cannot be close to them. That doesn’t make us heartless. It makes us human. It means we’re choosing peace and safety, even when it hurts.

Estrangement Is Not Always Permanent

But it is a decision that deserves respect, regardless of whether reconciliation is possible or not.Healing might someday make a bridge possible—or it might not. But until then, judging from the outside does more harm than good.

How You Can Support Someone Who Is Estranged

• Don’t judge or offer clichés. Listen without assumptions.

• Resist the urge to fix it. This isn't a movie; there’s no guaranteed happy ending.

• Ask how they’re doing—without pushing. We don’t always want to talk, but we want to be seen.

• Be mindful around milestones. A little compassion goes a long way.

• Remember important dates. Holidays and anniversaries can be the loneliest times. A simple message can make all the difference.

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If you’re walking through estrangement right now, I see you. You are not alone, and your decision to protect your peace is valid.If you love someone who is estranged, your compassion matters more than you know.

Let’s keep having the hard conversations, even when they make others uncomfortable. That’s where healing begins.

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