Today Was Difficult

Today was mentally and emotionally difficult day. I felt overwhelmed by everything. Just the thought of taking a shower and getting dressed seemed like a chore. I just made the choice to stay in my pajamas and to not torture myself over it. I felt terrible waves of anxiety and I had a headache. I needed to have used my tools from my DBT, I didn't. I have to say, I chose poorly. I know that it is very important for me to take care of myself during this difficult time of being estranged from my daughter. I didn't. I allowed bill paying and house cleaning, and all the daily day stuff to get to me. There were so many other decisions that I could have made to make my day better. I surrendered to the anxiety.

I have to say that tomorrow, I plan to do better. I still have goals to meet and singing to do. I have preparations to take care of, and a life to build. I honestly do not have time to feel sorry for myself and stay frozen. That is a part of a Complex PTSD reaction, freezing. I do what is called Functional Freezing. It is when you are capable of still functioning in life, even though you do not feel present and you feel frozen. There are many days I am functioning and still frozen. Today, I stayed frozen without functioning. I punished myself today for not making great decisions all the time. I have to remind myself that the deep sadness and depression I feel at times is temporary and can be pretty selfish if I stay in it. Depression is self-focused. The best way to deal with that I have found is to go and do something for someone else. I am focus on doing that tomorrow, and reminding myself that taking care of myself is ok to do. I love to swim and I could have gone swimming today. I didn't allow myself to leave the house. So much for taking good care of myself today.

Some days I just can't get motivated. Years of stress and trauma make me feel like giving up at times. I never do give up. Since I am now estranged from my daughter, I do not have the luxury of giving up. I have too much to do, such as, giving myself grace for today, learning to love myself and do more to become who I want to be in this life. That is the best thing I can do for Rachel and for Jacob and Rosemary.

I do believe that I need to give myself a break. I am way too hard on myself. Changing takes time and I do need to allow myself to enjoy my life. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. I rarely allow myself to just enjoy myself.

I think I will set an alarm in the morning for how long I will work on cleaning the house, and just go and do something fun. Yep, that is a better plan.

#traumaandestrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #functionallyfrozen