The Holidays Are Coming

I took a big pause in writing to give myself a break from overthinking about our entire estrangement situation. During that break, I was able to evaluate a lot of different emotions and thoughts. I also have lost 27 pounds during this time period as well. I am getting a better handle on everything, and feel so much better about our life, and how things are going. Nelson has been a wonderful support. Family Therapy is going well. We have worked through so many issues, and are working to listen to each other. I am learning to emotionally regulate a bit better. Nelson and I will be going to Virginia in a couple of weeks to see our daughter, Rosemary, starring in the musical, "White Christmas." That will be a wonderful weekend. I feel like I am starting to ask myself the right questions, and work towards having the life that Nelson and I want to live. I have drawn some hard boundaries for myself. These boundaries are helping to protect me from situations in which I do not want to be involved. This is a gift to myself as the holidays start in a couple of days.

I have put a lot of thought into the holidays. Nelson and I have had to decide what we envision our Thanksgiving and Christmas looks like, especially since it has shifted so much. It used to be really large. Growing up, I had my family, extended family, and friends over. There were around 19 or 20 people who would attend. Mama and Daddy's house would be full. Over the years, things have changed drastically. Now, it is just Nelson and me. Our son, Jacob, will be joining us on Thanksgiving Day for lunch. On Christmas Day, Rosemary and Jacob will be with us Christmas Evening, as well as Nelson's mother. Not exactly, what I dreamed of occurring a long time ago. Now, I use a technique called, "Radical Acceptance." That means that no matter what, I go overboard to accept the situation, and understand that I have no control over it. Radical Acceptance is what it takes in this estrangement with our Adult Daughter. I have never been afraid of change. Change is not the problem. It is the great loss of a relationship with our daughter.

I have decided that at this point, I have two adult children left and I am going to enjoy them. I am making a conscious choice to have joy and thankfulness for the adult children I have in my life, the two that have decided to stick it out, thick or thin, and love unconditionally, because our family is worth the work. It is not easy work. It is worthwhile work. I am putting my effort into knowing my son and daughter as adults and being content, knowing that I am blessed to have them walk beside me. Nelson and I are blessed. I have mentioned before that I lost a son, years ago. It was devastating. I didn't think I could survive, losing a second child. I can say, that I am surviving, and beginning the thrive. One step at a time. The one thing that helps is the fact that I know my time here on Earth is temporary. All things in life are temporary. One day, I will be in heaven, where all things are made new, and there are no tears or pain. I will see my adult children there, including my estranged adult daughter, and there will be no more problem. The issues will be gone, and I will be able to spend eternity with all four of my children, in peace and joy. That is worth the wait. Time flies so fast. I look forward to that day. For now, I move forward, and continue to love the family that is in front of me, and find joy with them.

Our holidays will not be sad. We will celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Savior, with great thankfulness. My husband asked me over this past weekend, if I missed our estranged adult daughter. I answered, "No." I don't miss her. I know, that sounds awful. Truth is hard sometimes. I have had to pack all the memories, all the things that have caused me excruciating pain this year, in the boxes of things I don't need, but need to keep, and store them for the time being. All her photos have been taken down in our home and put away. It helps me to move on. The door is not locked, it is just closed for now, and the light is off. If and when she decides to return, she will need to start by joining us in family therapy. I am not open at this point to have a conversation with her outside of family therapy. The pain is too great. I need a neutral party involved to walk us through it. I am open to reconciliation with her. I am just not open to putting myself through anymore trauma. I am enjoying the calm and peace I have received from God, when I made the decision to pack everything up and put it away. My time for mourning for her is over. She has made her decision, and I pray she is well and healthy. I know she is out there, I am just not responsible for her or her decisions and actions. For us, she is gone, by her choice. That chapter of our lives is over, and a new year is approaching, with all the hope and thoughts of a life that is shiny and new, and full of wonder. One more thing... Do I have hope that she will return and want to reconcile? No, I don't. And for me, that is a healthy mindset. Any hanging on to hope, is just a form of keeping myself in the past. That is something I cannot do. Radical Acceptance. She knows the way home.

Thank you to my friends, Eugene, Angie, and Preston. You are my rocks, and shelter in the storm. You lift me up, and have carried me when I could not stand. I love you.

In the meantime, I plan to make this holiday season awesome! We are good. We are grateful. God is good, all the time!

Know you are loved and enough. Comment below! Nelson and I would love to hear your story!

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