Life is a Rollercoaster, Not a Merry-Go-Round

The World's Tallest Rollercoaster. Watch the full video!

I posted a video with this blog. This is a video of people riding the tallest roller coaster in the world. The man in front is enjoying every single moment. At the end, he calls it, "AMAZING!" My husband, Nelson, would call it that as well. He loves to ride rollercoasters. Going down the largest hills, he lifts his feet up, and his arms, just to experience a moment of zero gravity. I stay on the ground. I am terrified of heights. I can ride the roller coasters that loop. I absolutely will not ride the tall ones. Now that my left inner ear is dead, I cannot ride any of them. I causes too much vertigo. This is also the way I feel estrangement from my adult child has affected me.

Life is a roller coaster. It goes up and down, and up and down. At times, it is terrifying. I am reading a book by the author, Lysa Terkheurst, called, "I Want to Trust You, But I Don't." In it there is an amazing quote that she writes, "We fear what we cannot control." I cannot control the things in life that send me plummeting to the ground. I feel the butterflies in my stomach, I cannot breathe, I know that it is all man made, and therefore not perfect, and could break or fail at any moment. I forget that God is involved, and I struggle to trust and He is going to catch me. I struggle to know that He is not going to let me stumble. The panic and fear and anxiety take over; it feels as though I am not going to survive. That part of my life is not fun. It is exhausting. So much is out of my control. It seems as though the surprises never end. I don't mean, "good," surprises either. Trust is so hard. I am learning to trust myself again. I am learning to trust others as well. Most of all, God is proving himself trustworthy.

In the past week, I learned that I was born with a progressive vascular disease. I thank God that we found it. I was at the Rheumatologist and he ordered some x-rays, and that is how they found it. I went for a CT Scan. The finding were good and concerning. My heart has not been affected. That is good. The blood vessels around the heart have been affected. The damage is on the border of mild to moderate. Thankfully we did the CT Scan and caught it before it was too late. The damage cannot be reversed, but the progression can be slowed with medication. That is the route we are taking. During this process, I thought it necessary to inform my adult children, who are speaking to me. I also felt it appropriate to speak to their dad. He was of the opinion that my estranged adult daughter needed to be told. I gave him my permission to do so. He called her. He told me she was, "Sad and Concerned." I really don't know what that means. I'm not going to either. From my perspective, if I had learned about a health condition about my mother, I would have called to check on her. However, that is my perspective, not hers. I do not know what she thinks, feels, or what her perspective is. That is the whole thing, each person has their own view point. What I may see from where I am standing, is not what you may see, even if you are standing right beside me. How many times have we had to switch places with someone, in order for them to see what you are seeing? It is the same thing with her. This is all a part of the rollercoaster of life. When I heard how she had reacted, I was disappointed. I completely realize that in the end, my disappointment is valid, however, not relevant to the situation. I guess you can tell from what I am writing, there was no phone call from my estranged adult daughter. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. (At least, I remind myself of that over and over and over). It means she is not ready. What will it take for her to be ready? I have no clue. So...I continue to ride the rollercoaster. Nelson and I will move forward, as all married couples do when their adult children leave the house to build their own lives. Just like they have dreams that they want to accomplish, so do we. Now, I have a renewed purpose. If I have disease that is progressive, I am going to live my life as wide open as I can, for as long as I can.

I am going to work on my bucket list, and start marking things off. I am going to be more intentional about caring for others. I am going to enjoy more moments. That is the best I can do. It is the best any of us can do. Do I still feel like there is a hole in my heart and life? Yes. I have two, one for my son, Jackson, and one for my estranged adult daughter. I pray everyday for grace, for mercy, for healing, for her, for Nelson, for my other two adult children, for you, for the world we live in right now. We have no time to waste. Life is just too short.

Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I would love to hear from you.