Is Estrangement the New Freedom for Adult Children? (Or is it the New Exile and Form of Grief for the Parents)?
- Crystal McDaniel
- Apr 17
- 6 min read
There is a, "New Silent Epidemic," going on in our culture today. It is called Estrangement. In our case, it is estrangement with our adult daughter. Estrangement is on the rise. I am a researcher. I do lots of research, on a lot of different subjects. Since this is the path that we are walking right now, I research estrangement. In my research, I have found out that 1/4 of parents/families in the United States are going through some kind of estrangement with a family member. In the majority of cases, it is an estrangement with an adult child. I wish I could write this blog only from one perspective. It would not be the most prudent thing to do. When I decided to put this blog out into the world, I did it to help myself to understand the estrangement we have with our adult daughter. Writing my thoughts and feelings has always been a great way for me to process different events in my life, be they positive or negative. So...in this particular blog subject, I have to look at both sides in order to get a better understanding. Honestly, I would rather act like a child and cry, then stomp my feet and scream, "ENOUGH ALREADY, GET A GRIP YOUNG LADY!" If I did that, it would only strengthen the reasons that the estrangement happened in the first place. (At least from her perspective).
I asked my son and other daughter a question this week. I have had a pretty hard mental and emotional week, dealing with the estrangement with our adult daughter. I asked them the question, "Does she still love me?" I do not feel loved. I feel abandoned, betrayed, and lost. I told Nelson that it makes me feel like I have lost a part of my identity, and it really makes me doubt myself. My son and other daughter said that she does love me. In fact, I was told, "Loving you has never been the issue." The only way I can process that information is to say, "Ok..." That statement truly leaves me feeling empty. This is where all the perspectives come in to play. One perspective says, "We love you, we just don't always need you." What is my perspective? I think that type of thinking stinks!!! I completely get that my adult children don't need me to make decisions for them. They fully have the ability to make solid, wise decisions. It is as though they think that I want them to need me to do life for them, to be so involved that they don't have the freedom to make decisions on their own. It seems like they believe I want to control them. I can tell you right now, I DON'T! I have enough on my plate without being in the middle of their lives and decisions. Good Grief. I feel very misunderstood. I didn't need my mother in the middle of all of my life either. I did need her. I needed her love, concern, listening ear. I needed her presence, and support. I loved her, and wanted her and needed her to be around in my life. It seems to me, that my adult daughters have an extremely different view and understanding of the word, "need." I cannot express to you enough, how misunderstood it makes me feel. To quote from Romeo and Juliet, by Shakespeare, "Oh, Wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?" (Even though there is a completely different meaning for this quote, than how I am using it). LOL No matter what, I have learned to just keep my mouth closed, and my hands off of these subjects with my adult son and adult daughter. Talking with them about these type of things, (even though they are adults), is completely useless, and gets me nowhere.
What did I find out in my research? Along with the statistic that 1 out of every 4 people in the U.S. is involved in some sort of family estrangement, it is on the rise. Not only are the divorce rates rising, adult children becoming estranged from their parents is truly becoming an epidemic. The reasons vary. Some estrange themselves due to conflicts between spouses. An adult child may be married to someone who doesn't like the parents, and there is too much tension, and anxiety involved. The adult child feels they have no choice, and chooses their spouse. That is completely understandable. I do not say this to give the impression I approve. I just understand the point.
Some adult children estrange themselves due to parents having alcohol/drug addictions. Some cut-off communication due to physical, mental, and emotional abuse. There is also the point of having different beliefs and values, and they don't align with what their parents believe and value.
In our case, I believe the cause is enmeshment. I think my estranged adult daughter feels that she was too close to have her own life, thoughts, beliefs, and identity. If I look at the situation from that particular point-of-view, I can understand her decision. There are some relationships that I have walked away from, due to the need to be my own person, and not be influenced by the thoughts and opinions of the others in the relationship. I see the perspective and understand it. I still feel extreme pain and loss.
In my research, I also learned that from the perspective of the parents, estrangement with an adult child can cause a tidal wave of damage, leaving parents in the emotional rubble to pick up the pieces of what is left of their lives. Parental estrangement—when an adult child cuts off contact or severely limits communication—can have significant mental health effects on parents. The emotional impact is often profound, resembling grief or even trauma. Here are some key mental and emotional consequences:
Grief and Loss – Estrangement can feel like mourning a living person, leading to intense sadness and longing.
Depression and Anxiety – Many parents experience depression, heightened anxiety, and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress due to the rejection.
Social Isolation – Parents may withdraw from social interactions, feeling ashamed or reluctant to discuss the situation with friends or family.
Chronic Stress – The emotional strain can lead to physical health problems such as high blood pressure, insomnia, or weakened immune function.
Self-Doubt and Guilt – Some parents repeatedly question their past choices, wondering what went wrong and blaming themselves.
Loss of Identity – Parental roles are deeply tied to identity, and estrangement can disrupt a sense of purpose and belonging.
I have experienced every single one of the items on this list. I work daily to move forward anyway. It is not easy. Especially when I feel all these things, and I am competing for the title of Mrs. Tennessee America next week. I have to work overtime to keep my eyes on my goal, and not be distracted by my feelings about this estrangement with my adult daughter, that I cannot control and can do nothing about.
The last of my research this week promotes me to weigh the pros and cons about allowing my heart to let her go. What I mean is this; allowing my heart to let her go is to close the door, and accept that she is gone. Doing this sets me free to live my life without the pain of her choice and absence all the time. I believe this is a good decision for me to make. The other side of the coin is to keep my heart open, and continue to yearn, and have full faith and hope that she will return. Though the latter sounds much more positive, it leaves me wide open to just wait and wait and wait, and stay stuck. Allowing my heart to let her go, gives me the peace to live my life in a new and free way. That sounds great! It is what I am leaning towards, except for one small glitch...if she randomly calls and tries to reconnect, that leaves me with making a choice between opening my heart again, knowing that she may just simply cut-off our relationship again, and keeping my distance and letting our relationship remain at arms length. Neither prospect sounds ideal. Things have changed. The landscape of my family is forever altered now, and nothing will be the same.
Stay tuned to find out which option Nelson and I will choose!
Please remember you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us here from you. Nelson and I want to know your story.