Embracing Self-Discovery: Navigating Life During Estrangement

I spent time this morning praying and doing my Bible Study.  I started in the studio at 10 am.  I am so fortunate to have the students that I have in my life.  I really enjoy working with them.  Today was a busy day in the studio.  

I am still having trouble getting out of the house and working on singing.  I am going to get on it tomorrow.  I have to get myself to go to the gym.  It is part of my DBT therapy.  There is work that I have to get done.  I am going to Italy in a couple of weeks to sing and I have got to get music finished for that trip.  I can see myself moving forward in my life.  I can’t just sit in a time bubble waiting for Rachel.  I will not be able to pick up where I left off.  Things have shifted now and they will never be the same.  I have spent hours and hours grieving that part of our relationship.  Can it be better than it was before, I believe so.  I just can’t see when that is going to happen.  I have absolutely no control over that part.  I have no control over whether Rachel will decide to reach out or not.  It may be years before I hear from her.  I am having to radically accept that possibility.  

I lost my first child.  He was stillborn.  His name is Jackson.  That was the single most devastating event in my life.  That is until now.  I think this estrangement is just as hard.  I am reminded by others that it is not the same, because Rachel is still alive.  The truth is, they don’t know what they are talking about when they say those things to me.  None of them have ever lost a child.  It really hurts and angers me when they share that opinion.  It is beyond painful to lose a child, and it is beyond painful to be estranged from your adult child.  The blame and shame that comes with being estranged from my adult child is a huge weight that I carry everyday.  It is not something that I readily share with others, due to the fact that people tend to judge.  When your child dies, there is sympathy and compassion.  When your adult child won’t talk to you and chooses estrangement, people judge you.  The questions come, “What did YOU do?”  “You had to have done something for her to feel she had to cut you off!”  All you hear over and over in your head is, “Bad Mother!”  “You failed as a parent!”  I really felt like crud, (that is putting it politely), when I attempted to talk to my ex-husband, (the children’s dad), about it.  I was simply expressing that I was trying to reach Rachel to talk everything out and apologize.  What I received was, “I am NOT going to be in the middle!  You always do this!”  I don’t even know what “THIS,” is!!  I realized then that I would not be able to even begin to speak to their dad.  I would not be able to depend on his support.  So...I started looking for resources to help me.  

One day, I spoke to my daughter Rosemary.  She speaks to Rachel frequently.  They are twins.  Rachel has spoken to her and told her what she is thinking and feeling.  Rosemary is very good at keeping the confidence of others.  She informed me,(without giving anything away), of the fact that Rachel has been very hurt by me.  I was completely crushed.  I would rather cut my own heart out than hurt one of my children.  When I hung up the phone, I wailed.  I cried the tears of a mother in mourning.  I felt like crawling under the ground.  I screamed and cried and screamed and cried some more.  Nelson just held me.  I clung to him with all my might.  It took me days to recover.  I spoke to my therapist, and worked more in my DBT workbook.  I listened to The Reconnection Podcast. ( You can find it on YouTube).  I started looking for more resources to help.  I want all the tools.  Anything I can find that will help me to reconnect with my daughter.   A part of my heart is missing.  It is a terrible feeling to realize that I  am not the same person that I was before this estrangement.  I never will be that person again, and I don’t want to be.  I want to be better.  I want to be stronger.  I want to be healthier.  

I have no real idea of what Rachel has gone through, or is going through.  I don’t know what she was thinking when she made the decision to stop speaking to or seeing me.  All I can do is pray, and ask God to show it to me and make it obvious.  In the research I have done so far, I have found that I am the parent and I have to take on the full responsibility for my being in this estrangement from my adult child.  I work to do just that.  I dig deep and take a look at my behaviors and actions to find areas that I need to change and form new ways of communicating and new habits that are healthier and more beneficial for me.  I simply want to get better and be more able to be a light in the world for others.  I am not writing this blog, sharing these things to be an expert at anything.  Over the last 8 months since this whole thing began, I have found that what I thought I knew I don’t.  I really don’t know anything at all.  I thought I was a good parent.  Now, I’m not sure.  However, I do know that I am dedicated and committed to doing whatever I have to in order to help my family.  I will never give up on having a relationship again with my daughter.  I pray to God to help strengthen me and show me how to become more of who He created me to be.  I ask God to forgive me for the mistakes that I made with my children.  I can tell you that in this part of my life, I am swallowing my pride and falling on my face, and humbling myself before God in ways I never imagined I would.  

For now, I work on my singing and it helps.  I have to move forward with my dreams and goals regardless.  I am worth my own effort.  Life goes on.  I am learning to love myself and care enough for myself to do what I need to do for my own life.  When you are a mother, it is very easy to get wrapped up in your children and lose your entire identity as an individual.  It is as though it is expected of you.  I am working on finding myself, the self I lost along the way.  No matter what, I am still alive and capable of using my voice to sing and enjoy the gift of singing that I have been given.  I haven’t allowed myself to do that in a long time.  .  

Gotta go for now.  I have some singing to do.  For those of you who do not know, I am a Professional Opera Singer/Musical Theatre Performer.  I own my own Voice Studio and train students all over the country.

#embracelife #movingforward #singingthroughestrangement #estrangementfromadultchild